skinnify

big ideas

2009-08-05T11:14:00.000-07:00

this is a really, really, really great article. (by Michael Pollan, in the NY Times)

Here is the last line of the article, a quote from Harry Balzer, a person who has been studying American eating habits for the last 30 years:

“Easy. You want Americans to eat less? I have the diet for you. It’s short, and it’s simple. Here’s my diet plan: Cook it yourself. That’s it. Eat anything you want — just as long as you’re willing to cook it yourself.”

hmm.

i wonder what would happen if i stopped eating packaged foods? just stopped, you know, entirely. i wonder a) if i could do it, and b) how my diet would change.

hmm.

last year, as you may recall, i stopped drinking diet coke. i was hoping that this would help me crave sugar less and that i would lose weight. wellll....it didn't quite happen that way. turns out i was using/abusing dc as a food-replacement device of sorts. whenever i felt like putting something in my mouth, i could reach for a dc and not be eating any calories...

so, quitting has caused me to gain weight...now whenever i feel like eating something, i usually reach for something carby. like granola bars. without the diet coke there as a zero-cal choice, i end up eating wayyy more than i used to. (i used to drink upwards of 6 bottles of dc a day.) (yikes) i still haven't found a low-calorie substitute for dc that isn't full of chemicals. i do drink tons more water than i used to, but water just doesn't have the ability to satisfy as diet coke did.

am i healthier? oh yes. for sure, without a doubt. (i am also richer. turns out i spent a massive chunk of change on my diet coke habit.)

around the same time, i also stopped buying things like 100 cal. packs and skinny cows, and any WW "food products" and decided to only eat 'real' food. but, i still eat 'real' food that comes in packages...(kashi granola bars, craisins, cereal, real ice cream, store-bought wheat bread etc.)

i believe this has also caused weight gain....you see, i am still very much a sweet tooth/carby person, and when i reach for something, i'm still not reaching for the veggies. so instead of reaching for a 100 cal pack or skinny cow, i reach for real ice cream. or a 200 cal granola bar. or 2 pieces of whole wheat toast, with real butter. less chemicals? yes. more calories? yes.

so, i'm thinking about possibly considering if i could get rid of all packaged foods/snacks...and only eat things that i make, or fresh vegs/fruits etc. would i eat less ice cream if it was ice cream that i made? maybe. i tend to ration items that are "special"...and homemade ice cream is more special than a 1/2 gallon that i could easily replace as soon as it's gone. same for homemade bread.

there is also the added bonus of knowing exactly what you put in whatever you are eating...the image of putting a whole container of heavy cream and 6 egg yolks did actually make me eat less of the last batch of homemade pear ice cream that i made. the same thing gave me the incentive to give away all but one of the last batch of choc. chip cookies that i made--seeing the 2.5 stick of butter going into the dough gave me more than a moments pause.

hmm...

i'm going to think about that for a few days.

ok, seriously

2009-07-31T11:07:00.000-07:00

this whole "intuitive eating" concept still eludes me. it has been roughly 2 years since we started this blog...and i believe i am probably heavier than i was in fall 2007. actually, i know i am. the pants don't lie.

i've been putting off getting on the scale for...18 months? i hate the numbers game. but i am starting to think that maybe i need to. harumph.

i quit WW online awhile back because the points system was driving me nuts. but, now i'm starting to think i should go back...i need to journal and keep track of what goes in my mouth.

good news is, i've maintained whatever number i'm at for...18 months. i am still technically a 32 in jeans, and a size 12 dress/skirt/pants....but i find some of those 12's to be *very* squishy and constricting. (i.e. shouldn't be worn out of the house.) in fact, there is just 1 pair of jeans that i like wearing, and i have 6 skirts/pants that i feel comfy wearing. yikes. i'd just like to be able to pick up anything in my closet and put it on without worrying about muffin tops and other unsightly bulges.

rahh.

so. to weigh in, or not to weigh in? to WW or not to WW? those are the questions.

Status Update

2009-03-25T08:04:00.001-07:00

pants: tight

motivation level: low

fear of bathing suit level: extremely high

laziness level: high

sigh. i went to san francisco and napa valley last week and had possibly the best food week of my entire life.

miette--check
the french laundry--check
bouchon--check
bouchon bakery--check check
chez panisse--check check

oh. my. gosh. i heart thomas keller and alice waters. to die for.

and now i am feeling the after-effects. and my mouth is craving baked goods and things made with lots and lots of delicious butter, and oil, and cream and...i digress.

so. time to get serious. yet again. i just feel so blah about the whole diet and exercise department lately. i'm sick of being a dieter, of thinking about calories and constantly feeling like i need to exercise more or eat less or something. boo.

Sigh

2009-02-25T04:21:00.000-08:00

Oh, diligence. Why have you let me down? I have been eating well and logging everyday (except for one). I feel good. But I haven't lost any weight in weeks, in fact, I appear to have gained a few back. I keep thinking that the weight was leftover from exercising (water retention, etc) but I'm now realizing that perhaps that was just wishful thinking. I weighed 141 this morning. URGH. (even after 6 hours of xc skiing this weekend? WTF?)

I suppose there is nothing for me to do but keep doing what I'm doing. I eat different things, and don't eat the same number of calories every day, so I'm not really sure what the problem is. Perhaps I'm just meant to be at this weight, so maybe I should just be content that my blood sugar feels right and accept my size for what it is?

oh, where have my boobs gone?

2009-01-29T06:47:00.000-08:00

I suppose I should be happy. With proper eating and a bit of exercise, I feel in control, my blood sugar doesn't seem wonky anymore, and I've lost 5 pounds (placing me back in the 130s). But, I miss my boobs. Until yesterday, I didn't notice that seemingly all 5 lost pounds have come directly from my chest. And I really didn't have much there in the first place. Oh well. Onwards!

RAVE...and rant

2009-01-13T06:58:00.000-08:00

RAVE!!! Love love love the "Lose It!" app for iPhones. Seriously, best "tool" for weight loss/nutrition/exercise I've ever seen. And it is free. Always with you. And doesn't even require internet access. I'm tracking for full nutrition because I'm getting increasingly worried about my diabetes risk (family history - some skinny relatives get it too!!!). When I used to do WW online, I thought it was good. But I'd never go back. This is a lot easier. And more complete. (Why pay for WW when you can put that $$ towards your iPhone's data plan?) I think it should work for the iPod Touch too, actually...

RAVE!!! The boy is being really nice - he walks 30 minutes in the cold at night even when he's hungry to walk me home (another 30 min in the cold) from the train station, helping me keep up with a part-of-life exercise plan. The treadmill just hasn't been working for me. I just never get on it. So that means I'm getting (except for bad weather, which isn't that unusual for New England) 1 hr of walking per day.

RAVE!!! Cross-country skiing. The boy is also to thank for this - he got us $5 (perfectly fitting) sets at a yard sale and we've been going out every weekend for ~2hr of skiing. Its also free. and fun. And burns soooooo many calories. I love it, and actually look forward to it snowing now.

RAVE!!! I weighed 141 this morning. That 3 lbs down so far. I have 13 more to go.

Rant - OK, so not everything is peachy. I've been stuggling with mini pity-parties. My friends and work colleagues are all (seemingly effortlessly) skinny. Even those women who have had babies (and twins!). I keep feeling sorry for myself that it isn't that easy for me. And that I have to worry about a top showing my love handles, whether those pants are too small in the thighs, or if my blood sugar is going to tank today. And I feel like I'm the only in my local world. I know I just need to get over it, and accept it as something I need to work on and "accept" forever, but...waaaaahhhhhh.

a horrible cold really is the best diet ever

2009-01-11T16:08:00.001-08:00

so the cold that i mentioned way back in december really did turn out to be the catalyst i needed!

for me it usually takes about 3-5 days of not-ridiculous eating to break the cycle. not being able to taste anything for a few weeks was just what i needed to remind myself that i don't need to be eating all the time.

funny how that works.

anyway, i've just been trying to keep eating a reasonable amount of food...i'm exercising...but not counting calories or weighing in. but i am seeing results--jeans are much looser and shirts that were super tight last month are starting to fit.

so, i'm just going to keep doing this for awhile. i like not counting and not feeling like i'm on a diet. and i do feel like i'm in control. diets seem to make me kinda go crazy.

that is all. (for now)

Returned

2009-01-05T09:43:00.001-08:00

I have returned. I missed blogging for the past, errr, 8 months or so. (has it really been that long). During those 8 months, I finished school, wrote a few papers (well, I'm still writing those papers...), started a new job, worked CRAZY hours, and gained a few pounds. Miraculously, it was only a few pounds. I've been weighing in at 144 for the past few weeks.

I haven't been exercising, and I can tell I'm not fit or strong. Let's just say that I'm so out of shape that I can feel my blood sugar going out of whack (I had the same feeling when I weighed almost 170 a few years ago) and I have trouble lifting heavy pots with one hand in the kitchen. Pathetic.

So I have returned to Skinnify. I am counting calories with the free Lose It app on my phone. And I am committed to walking to and from the train station (total 1 hr per day) unless there are extreme conditions out. The boy will walk to the train station at night to walk me home! I am also going to step up the pilates to make it routine...and am thinking about asking friends if they want to make dates of it to keep us honest.

This time, I'm really doing it to stay healthy. I don't want to get diabetes. So I need to fix this is a way that is sustainable. It was about time for me to recommit...and I feel really dorky that I'm doing it around New Years...

***quick update: have lost a few pounds already. its surely water weight, but its enough to keep me going. the "Lose It!" app has a corny name, but works very well - i have no excuse not to log because I can do it during my commute... My body seems to be slowly adjusting to eating a bit less. (The first few days on cut calories were pretty harsh.) I'm still having trouble with exercise because of the weather, but I'll keep trying. onwards!

horrible cold=best diet ever

2008-12-14T14:58:00.000-08:00

ok, just kidding.

but seriously, not being able to taste anything makes not eating more than i should cake. and funny how when i'm sick i all of a sudden only eat things that are good for me and just stop eating when i feel full...such a difficult concept most of the time.

maybe i should get my tastebuds removed permanently.

...i will however, be glad when i can start walking (anywhere) without hacking. and i will also be glad to have my voice back in its normal register instead of about 2 octaves lower than my brother.

bob wiley vs. superwoman

2008-12-04T10:45:00.000-08:00

"the simplest way to put it is, i have problems...dizzy spells, nausea, cold sweats, hot sweats, difficulty swallowing, blurred vision, involuntary trembling, dead hands, numb lips, fingernail sensitivity, pelvic discomfort."

on monday this week, i woke up with the worst neck/back pain i have had in about 5 years. i don't know what i did exactly, but i haven't been able to turn my head either way for the past few days, despite several visits to the chiropractor, the massage therapist, physical therapist and handfuls and handfuls of advil etc. etc. aside from being just generally inconvenient, i am mostly ticked because after thanksgiving last week, i started being good about walking again. but this neck thing makes the treadmill impossible, and it pretty much just hurts to move. i also had to miss both of my pilates classes this week. boo.

urrgh. it's always something. i just get annoyed w/ myself because, especially as it relates to exercise, there are many, many times that i feel willing and motivated to exercise, but something else (like a bum knee, bad back, migraine headache, allergies etc.) gets in the way.

or in other words, i feel like i'm bob wiley. only with real symptoms...

i guess i inherited my mom's somewhat fragile physiology, much to my chagrin. i'm just still in denial that i am, in fact, HIGH MAINTENANCE. instead, i like to pretend that i'm superwoman. (please, anything but bob wiley!) i hate feeling fragile. i hate having to take the time to go to all of the various appointments that my body apparently requires just to maintain basic function. it's annoying. it's not "me." i hate being one of "those" kind of people... and sometimes i get a little careless, or rebellious or pretend that all of my "ailments" don't really exist. like last week, i skipped my weekly massage to save a few $$, i didn't go to pilates, i didn't stretch at night like i know i need to, and i spent wayyy too much time on the couch which always causes huge neck/headache issues for me. dumb, right?

so, it's time to be a grownup and deal with reality. it's time to accept that i am, in fact, HIGH MAINTENANCE. and unfortunately, reality for me is that skipping a massage or sitting on the couch too long will cause problems. problems that prevent me from exercising...or even moving normally.

funny too, that the times in my life that i've been most focused on just general/overall total-body health/wellness--not being skinny or trying to avoid dealing w/ "ailments"--were the times that i was magically the skinniest. connection? hmm.

"i feel good, i feel great, i feel wonderful. i feel good, i feel great, i feel wonderful..."

oh, and p.s., if you didn't grow up in a family that watched "What About Bob?" every week for about 10 years like i did, that is where these ridiculous quotes come from.

process vs. results

2008-11-19T06:34:00.000-08:00

so, i was flipping through channels the other day, while on the treadmill (yay!) and happened upon a sound bite that got me thinking...(i have no idea what the people were talking about)

anyway, one of the commentators said that our culture tends to be focused on results instead of process. and when people are trying to make changes in their lives, focusing just on results is one of the worst things you can do.

interesting.

i think that is at least part of my problem. i focus way way way too much on that size i wish i were, or the magic number on the scale...the ever elusive "someday when i'm skinny." and at least for me, focusing on results makes me depressed, anxious and impatient. i want results NOW. no, actually i want results YESTERDAY. and i'd rather they just magically happen instead of requiring actual work.

so, whoever it was that i saw on the tv was talking about having a destination in mind, but focusing on the process instead of the destination.

for me, i think that means focusing on what i'm doing every day instead of constantly thinking about "when i'm skinny" and wondering why i'm not there yet. so that's what i've been working on for the past few days. more walking, less snacking, smaller portions, more water. you know, the basics.

and thinking back to 04-05 when i was actually much skinnier than i am now...i'm pretty sure that's how i got there then. i wasn't counting points, i wasn't weighing myself, i wasn't even trying to lose weight. i just was involved with lots of other exciting projects and discovered yoga and was eating healthier because it felt good. hmm.

so, i think i'm going to not weigh myself. resurrect the daily cardio/pilates abs routine. keep eating healthy foods, stop snacking when i'm not really hungry. eat less, move more. and hopefully in the process, get back into my old jeans again.

It, I am

2008-11-04T08:12:00.000-08:00

i think i was tagged by thickchick about...umm...a week ago. (sorry, things have been a little crazy here at mi casa) so, here is everything you wanted to know about me:

10 years ago (1998):
1. i started my freshman year of college.
2. was obsessed with abercrombie and fitch jeans. (?!)
3. struggled through my first semester of college music theory. ouch.
4. routinely went to bed between 2-4 am, and took a 4-hour nap in the afternoon.
5. thought i was very busy and grown up, but in fact was not

5 things to do today:
1. errands: post office, bank, groceries etc.
2. start pillowcase sewing project
3. come to terms with my basement...ugh
4. laundry
5. phonecalls i've been putting off for awhile

5 jobs i've had:
1. file clerk for medical office
2. data entry for medical office
3. floral designer
4. production designer
5. freelance musician/music teacher

5 things i'd do if i had millions:
1. hire a personal chef and housekeeper
2. pay off debts of everyone i know/love
3. start a childrens music program in an underprivileged neighborhood
4. travel
5. start a foundation for finishing funds for indie filmmakers

i tag...oh i don't know. is there anyone who hasn't done this yet?

another birthday (cake) down the drain

2008-10-19T21:28:00.000-07:00

yep. i'm 29. the birthday i've been dreading for the past 365 days has come and gone. surprisingly, i'm not really depressed like i thought i might be. although now i'm gearing up for the really big birthday that comes after 29. ugh.

i did a bit of birthday celebrating...but mostly kept things in control. i use the word "mostly" very liberally.

i was given a carrot cake (w/ cream cheese frosting), which is like meg-kryptonite. luckily, in a moment of clarity and willpower, i threw about 3/4 of the cake down the disposal. (see above pic for evidence)

i was contemplating announcing that i will attempt to lose 30 lbs. by the time i turn 30. that gives me about 362 days. doable? probably. i'm just having trouble mustering up any sort of zeal in the weight-loss department. hmm. maybe i'll just settle for 3.0 lbs by the time i turn 30. ok ok, i'm kidding.

i should probably weigh myself, but i really don't want to. i can't decide whether i should join weight watchers again. mostly, pants and shirts that were feeling tight a few weeks/months ago feel a little looser. (emphasis on little) i know i really need to step things up if i really want to lose. the question is...how? motivation, where art thou?

fashion + fitness

2008-09-22T09:02:00.000-07:00

a few years ago i was a bit obsessed with clothes. and by a bit, i mean really obsessed with clothes. when i was in school, i was all about wearing something cute every single day.

fast forward to now.

i work from home, and i teach kids. so not only are my cute dressy outfits not appreciated, they aren't practical. over the last 5 years since i graduated and started teaching in my studio at home, my wardrobe has become significantly less interesting. it has devolved into what is now known by friends and family as "the uniform."

"the uniform" is a pair of paige robertson jeans (32), a black v-neck t shirt, some colored tank top underneath and a 3/4 sleeve black sweater. i own nearly 20 black v-neck t shirts (!) and 6 3/4 sleeve black sweaters, and 4 pairs of jeans in various washes.

for the past year or so, i've just kind of stopped caring about what i wear. which is nice...sort of. it has saved some money, i don't have to worry about what to wear. i don't spend all morning trying on everything i own to come up with a new outfit. no more depression-inducing jeans-buying trips because, hey, i've found the perfect jeans and they always fit in size 32. black t-shirts don't get dirty easily. the 3/4 sleeve sweater makes me look a little bit more "put together" than just a t-shirt. it's easy. no thought involved whatsoever.

but i think all of the black t-shirts have really taken a toll on my weight loss efforts. see, they just do too good of a job of concealing any unsightly rolls...which i am noticing all over my thorax.

plus, i'm bored. i notice that when i get dressed up for something and actually put thought into my clothes, i'm happier. and for me happier=less likely to eat.

so, here's the plan. i'm getting re-obsessed with fashion.

i am going to:
1. try and wear a colored shirt (other than black) every other day. (baby steps)
2. go shopping and try stuff on, even if i don't buy because it's wayyy too easy to get complacent when the only jeans you have to fit into are the ones you've been wearing everyday for 9 months.
3. shop my own closet. there's some great stuff in there...which hasn't seen the light of day for awhile... because it can't be worn in public due to severe muffin top issues.

in other news, i've been on the treadmill every day for about a week. still trying the "real foods" thing. still addicted to craisins, which seriously taste like candy, but i can somehow magically stop eating them.

progress!

2008-09-15T09:06:00.000-07:00

at the beginning of the summer i bought a skirt at gap without trying it on. (size 12) (silly me, just assumed it would fit.) well, said skirt did not fit, so it's been sitting in the closet since june just waiting for me to get my act together.

i wore it yesterday.

yay!

in other news...i broke up with WW online. i haven't used it in months and figured i could use the $16.95/month for something else. i feel like i need a break from the points system. it was driving me berzerk. i've quit and signed up again like a bajillion times, but for now i feel good about not doing it.

i've been working on eating more 'real' foods...i've stopped baking cookies and muffins every other day (you think that could be part of my problem??!!)...i'm back to treadmilling regularly...i've stopped weighing myself...i've started eating salads instead of the pizza that my brother orders every other day (literally)...i've become a big fan of oatmeal, apples, almonds and yogurt. (not together, but maybe that wouldn't be too bad...)

i read "the quest for peace, love and the 24in waist" by deborah low. highly recommend it. i'm going to read it again. a lot of it is kinda touchy-feely, love your body kind of stuff, which i usually really hate...but i'm beginning to think that maybe that really is the problem.

i think the next goal is getting back into my 2005 jeans. maybe i'll post pics. but for now, i think i might be done w/ the numbers games. we'll see. i seem to change my mind a lot...

you know it's time to get back on track when...

2008-09-10T09:42:00.000-07:00

...your four year old student asks

"are you having a baby?"

back to the treadmill i go.

100 calories of yum

2008-08-26T21:09:00.000-07:00

new favorite snack. i looooove craisins, but can't ever seem to stop eating them. these help a lot.

happy anniversary (a little late)

2008-08-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

i was just thinking..."hmm...i think bri and i started the blog around this time last year..." so i checked the archives, and we did. aug 1, 2007.

holy crap.

what happened to this year??? it has flown by. unfortunately, the pounds have not been flying off of me. i think i was looking for another magic answer when we started this. turns out its not a magic answer...but it is a great accountability tool, and a great forum for venting frustrations and sharing ideas. most of all, it is great to meet other people out there who deal with the same struggles. i had no idea the blogging world could be so supportive. (thanks guys!)

as for me... i'm slowly getting back on the exercise wagon. i've been back on the treadmill 2 days in a row. my eating is still all over the place though. i'm reading a book called "The quest for Peace, Love and a 24 inch Waist" suggested to me by my good friend katieo. so far it has raised some interesting points. i'll let you know how it goes.

just a quick post...

2008-08-16T21:33:00.000-07:00

to say that i baked cupcakes AND chocolate chip cookies for a party for my students, and i only had 1 of each.

normally, i would have eaten like...11 of each.

and then i gave away all the leftovers.

(and this is a major victory because it was the *magnolia cupcake* recipe and the *extremely-evil* ny times choc. chip cookie recipe...!)

i won't post links to the recipes because that would be too mean. i credit the magnolia cupcakes with igniting the two-year-sugar-fest that i'm trying to end. and the ny times recipe? it's amazing. and evil.

life in my post-diet coke world

2008-08-05T08:56:00.000-07:00

i haven't had a diet coke since may. nope, not even one. and i've had nothing but positive results. here's the scoop:

- i am saving between $20-25 a week. (yes, i really did drink that much diet coke. i know. gross)

- i have noticed a huge reduction in mood swings. even my brother has noticed--"wow, you're not cranky anymore all the time."

- i've also noticed a huge reduction in headaches. i used to have one..um..just about everyday. not anymore.

- i have more energy. i used to feel tired all the time--no matter how much dc i drank. i feel so much more awake now that i have in years.

- and here's the BIG one: my hair is getting thicker!

for years--since i was about 15-16, i've had problems with my hair falling out. most of my friends probably didn't really know, since it's not something that i ever talked about (i was super super self-conscious about it), and i did a pretty good job of hiding it. but i haven't been able to wear my hair down w/o clips or bobby pins or something since i was about 14. anyway, i've had my thyroid checked a gazillion times, all kinds of other blood work done and no one could ever figure out what the problem was. i've tried a bajillion different shampoos and other topical treatments, some kind of worked, some didn't...but my hair just kept falling out. usually the dermatologist would be like, "well, it looks like you got the genetic shaft. talk to your hair stylist about how to cover it up." so, that's what i've been doing since i was about 15...lots of highlights and clever hairstyles so that no one could see. i had pretty much resigned myself to just having thin hair. sucky, right? but there are worse things in life, so i just stopped caring. the only time it really upset me was when i would go to get a haircut with a new stylist who didn't know that i was part-bald. i hated, dreaded getting my hair done and the inevitable questions and suggestions that i should get my thyroid checked or try rogaine.

anyway, long story short, i got my hair cut a few weeks ago and my stylist (who i've been going to for over a year) was like "holy cow, you have twice as much hair as you used to! all these bald spots are starting to grow in. what have you been doing?"

i think it was the diet coke. for real.

i've never believed any of the crazy "diet coke ruined my life" stuff that you read on the internet, but i really truly believe that diet coke made my hair fall out. i started drinking it a lot around age 15-16, which is when i started to have the hair problems. and it seems as my consumption increased, so did the hair loss. i've read several other people's "stories" about diet coke, and have seen other people mention it too....i know, sounds completely crazy. and i don't think that diet coke will make everyone's hair fall out--i know tons of people with super thick hair who drink it. but for whatever reason, not drinking diet coke has made a HUGE difference in my i-dont-have-any-hair-and-i-want-to-die problem.

too much information? maybe. but, i know for me i've felt self-conscious about hair loss for years and felt like i was the only one who was dealing with it (especially at a young age!). so, for whatever it's worth, that's my story.

and now i'm off to drink a big glass of water...

image from here

why i eat

2008-08-03T08:54:00.000-07:00

i've got a lot on my mind lately. life is good--but i've also got a lot of crazy anxiety swirling around in my brain. and it's manifesting itself in my eating.

so, instead of trying to deal with anxiety by eating, i'm going to blog about all the things that are bugging me instead.

1. i've got a birthday coming up that i'm really not excited about. 29. how can i be turning 29? it's one more birthday closer to the big 3-0. ouch.

2. i'm close to 29 and still single. i know, i know. i just haven't met the right guy yet...29 is not that old...age is just a number etc. etc.. but, i can't help feeling like there's something really wrong with me that i haven't met anybody. literally all of my close friends are married, most with kids...and well, i'm jealous. yea, being single is fun, i can do whatever i want, i've done tons of cool stuff that i couldn't have done if i were married...but really, i'm dying to find someone awesome and do the married w/ kids thing.

3. my 10 year high school reunion is coming up this fall. i don't really know if i even want to go. but i feel like i should be skinny if i do go. but ironically, thinking about trying to become skinny just to look good at an event makes me want to inhale brownies by the fistful. weird, huh?

4. along with #2, i'm moderately scared of being alone forever.. and in the words of bridget jones "will die fat and alone and be found dead, half eaten by wild dogs." yea, i can take care of myself, and i really do have a pretty cool life. but i really don't want to morph into the spinster/old maid/crazy cat lady etc. (i know, becoming a crazy cat lady is a choice, one that i would never make...i just don't want to be perceived that way. and i think i care too much about what other people think.)

5. i worry that if i don't get skinny (i.e. to a healthier, more "attractive" weight), i will be doomed to spinsterhood. again, this thought makes me want to inhale brownies. strange, i know.

6. i'm feeling self-conscious that i never finished a masters degree. that was always the plan...and then random life events happened and here i am 5 years after i graduated and no masters degree. at this point, i'm not sure if it would be worth all the headache because i've got tons of experience that makes up for it...but i still really want those letters after my name.

7. i feel overwhelmed by the lack of organization around my house. life has been moving at such a fast clip for the past 2 years that i really haven't done a good job keeping things neat and tidy. (basically, it is a disaster...at least to me.) so there is a TON of work to do to get my house back into martha stewart shape. and i don't even know where to start. most of the time i end up starting in the kitchen with a "snack".

8. i am filled with dread every time i go to find something to wear in my closet. i've spent years building up a fabulous wardrobe. and now most of it doesn't fit. which makes me want to inhale brownies.

so. here's the plan:
i'm going to take things one at a time, starting with the house. because it's the easiest place to start--and one of the things on the list that i can actually control. (besides diet and exercise...but i'll get to that next. i need a distraction first i think.)

i'm going to take on my office this week and get it back to the martha-level organization that it was two years ago. and my office is the room that is furthest away from the kitchen.

oh, and p.s. i'm not trying to throw myself a giant pity party...really, i'm pretty happy. i just felt like i needed to purge some of these crazy thoughts from my brain and stop all of the anxiety eating.

weekend update

2008-08-03T08:34:00.000-07:00

yea, this week i've been an especially bad girl. i don't know what my problem is. but a combination of laziness, stress, and some emotional eating has led to some spectacularly bad choices by moi.

i was feeling so great last week, but somehow i got derailed. i think it started when a friend brought over a plate of brownies last sunday. and it went downhill from there. i should have put the brownies directly in the trash...but instead i put them directly in my mouth. oops.

i need to get back on the exercise wagon. i went to pilates once this week, but didn't do any walking. my knee has really been bugging me whenever i go on the treadmill, so i've been avoiding it.

i'm also realizing that i've been using snacking as a procrastination device. i'm the world's worst procrastinator...and lately when i'm trying to put off doing something, i find myself munching in the kitchen thinking "as soon as i'm done then i'll start _____" this is stupid. then i end up spending a ton of time in the kitchen (eating) because i'm trying to avoid whatever project i'm dreading.

seriously, sometimes the dumb things i do w/ regard to diet and exercise just blow my mind. i'm not a stupid person. but wow, do i ever make some really really stupid choices when it comes to food.

arrgh.

boys

2008-07-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

i don't know what my deal is. but i've got some crazy mental warp with boys and my weight. let me elaborate:

there was a short-lived romance going on for me during november-january. it was during this time that i got down to 169, without really trying.

as soon as said short-lived romance was over, the scale started to creep up. but anytime there was a new boy on the scene, the scale would go down. when i'm nervous about a new boy, i just don't eat. and it's not like i do it intentionally. i just forget. no really, i forget. and when i'm not forgetting to eat, i somehow have astounding willpower and eat incredibly healthy, low-cal etc.etc.

but when i go on a bad blind date, or get flat-out rejected, the scale always goes up. mostly because i start eating again...and i drown my sorrows in my brother's ever-present cookies.

it's been kind of a roller coaster lately, but if i were to graph my weight, the overall trend has been going up for the past 7 months. (holy cow, 7 months??!)

anyway, it's been on my mind this week because there has been a new boy on the scene. and i've been doing the forgetting-to-eat thing again. i know, not healthy at all. but all of my clothes are a whole lot looser. like A LOT. even just after a week. (and yes, i know it is all just water weight blah blah blah.)

but, now that the new boy is gone (another one bites the dust!), i found myself today suddenly starving and (big surprise) all i wanted to eat was ice cream, cookies and cake. luckily, i didn't have any within reach. it's like my brain has either two settings: BOY or FOOD.

here's what i don't get:
1. if i forget to eat when i'm thinking about a boy, why can't i forget to eat if i'm thinking about other things...like work or something?

2. why don't i ever learn? every time this happens, i think "ok, this time i'm going to capitalize on all of the progress i just accidentally made and eat right and exercise so that i don't just gain back everything and then some." but usually i end up going for the cookies.

seriously, it's ridiculous. this vicious cycle has been happening for ever. like since i was about 10. (and i think it has probably taken a serious toll on my metabolism...)

so, i don't know what to do about it. check myself in for some intense therapy? maybe. but blogging about it feels therapeutic.

ctrl-alt-delete

2008-07-22T04:12:00.000-07:00

Welllll... I've been off of the "let's not act like a total pig" bandwagon for errr, 3-4 months now. Surprisingly, the damage was only a few pounds. But it has been enough to make me feel different about how I look and fit into clothes. Now that I'm back from Italy, its time for a reset. Luckily, I was a bit sick last week, which wiped my appetite for me, allowing me reset it back into "reasonable" mode. Result? I've lost 2.5 pounds in a week and a half. We'll see if this trend sticks around.

I have a major issue with free food at work - free food is normally nasty and does not fit in with my "no fake food" diet that I stick to at home. So why do I eat it? WHY? Well, I seem to be resisting it for now, though I each eat a donut for dinner last night - I am crazy busy right now and really need to get some food to leave at work for emergency dinners. The good news? I actually turned the donut into my dinner, instead of just a snack, which is what I would have done a few weeks ago. (I ate some grilled veggies and a little cheese and cold cuts when I got home to get some low-cal nutrition in...)

the wake up call

2008-07-20T14:53:00.000-07:00

this morning i had an official IT'S REALLY TIME TO ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS wake up call.

i got stuck in my dress.

i was trying on outfits this morning and put on one of my favorite dresses--a white cotton 3/4 sleeve shirt dress from j crew. it looked great last year.

this year? well, after putting it on and deciding that i needed to lose 10 lbs, i was trying to take it off...and i got stuck. somehow, my arms were stuck in the sleeves and i couldn't get the dress back over my head.

so i'm sitting there, with the dress halfway over my head thinking "great, i'm either going to have to cut the dress off of me, enlist my brother to come help me pull the dress off....or, someone will find me here with the dress stuck over my head after i have died of embarrassment."

luckily, after about 3-5 minutes of shimmying, i got the dress off.

but seriously, it's time to take action.

just now i was in the kitchen and the mortifying image of myself in the stuck dress was enough to keep my paws out of the cookie jar.

seriously. i have to laugh...because otherwise i'd cry!

location, location, location

2008-07-18T11:52:00.000-07:00

i read an interesting article in the nytimes about habits (see it here)

it said, among other things, that a lot of our habits come from cues that we see and then cause us to repeat the same behaviors over and over again. it talked about how when you want to change a habit, having a new location (like being on vacation, or moving) can make it easier because you don't have any of the old cues there to trip you up.

hmm.

so, as i've been thinking about this, i've realized (again) that i have been pretty much unsuccessful in the weight-loss department since i moved my main workstation upstairs, right next to the kitchen. every time i see the kitchen, i want to eat something...and now everytime i sit down at my computer i want to eat something. i think the computer has turned into a snack cue for me. and i have very easy kitchen access. this is bad. (i spend a lot of time at the computer...)

so, i'm going to move my workstation. i'm not sure where, but something has to change stat! i really think my snackiness is the culprit.

getting back on track. again.

2008-07-16T18:00:00.000-07:00

soooo....let's see. it's been like, um, i don't even know how long since my last post. here's the short recap:

1. my knee has totally been bugging me, so i have been a total slacker about exercise. lame-o? yea, probably.

2. bri and i took a fanfreakingtastic trip to italy! yes, that's right. italy! the worst place to be on a diet. well, maybe that's not true... we walked A LOT.

3. i'm still craving all of the yummy pasta, bread and gelato.

4. i recently discovered the best choc. chip cookie recipe ever on the NY Times. (cue the thunder and lightning/foboding sound effects). seriously yummy. big problem.

5. i don't know how much i weigh and don't want to find out.

6. i'm really unmotivated most of the time. until i try on something that fit last year, and doesn't fit so well now. and then i vow to get serious. which usually lasts until i encounter a cookie or something, and then..well, you get the idea.

soooo....time to get with the program. any program. i figured blogging would be a good first step. sigh.

Checking in

2008-06-18T05:15:00.000-07:00

Soooooo. I'm weighing about 143 these days - which isn't so bad considering my lack of exercise and lack of restraint when it comes to eating. The defense is over and done. Graduation festivities have closed. And the family has left. My smaller jeans are feeling tighter and I'm suddenly aware of my love handles and the dreaded tire. I need to get back to it.

Luckily, it's bike riding season again (I really don't have time for much exercise right now - even though I've finished "school" I have a ton of work to get done this summer and I'm traveling a LOT). But what I'm really having trouble with is the food. WHY WHY WHY do I have to eat SOOO MUCH? I don't understand why it is so difficult for me to just eat less.

this weekend=utter disaster

2008-06-08T20:15:00.000-07:00

i had all kinds of high hopes for getting back in control and back on track. i don't know exactly what happened to get in the way...but it just didn't go down like that.

it probably has a lot to do with spending the whole weekend working on projects at home and hanging out with my brother. somehow when he's eating cookies all the time i just feel like i'm entitled to eat cookies too. i can only hold on for so long until i cave. i didn't actually eat any of his cookies...but i did buy a package of animal crackers at the grocery store (5 points) and ate those...along with numerous kashi cherry chocolate chunk granola bars, sugar free jello pudding and popcorn...which are my vices of late. yea, they don't sound too bad, but when your portions are out of control, it's not good no matter what you're eating. i've been keeping track for the most part and i'm already nearly out of flex points for the week. NOT GOOD! i'm heading into a majorly stressful week when i won't have much time for exercise, so...it is going to be tricky (read: i feel like throwing in the towel).

and speaking of exercise...one of my major hang-ups this week has been that i somehow hurt my knee last week and i haven't been going walking because it keeps getting worse. my knees always act up whenever i walk really fast or get anywhere close to running speed...and last weekend after i upped the speed on the treadmill my left knee started freaking out.

rahh.

i keep telling myself that if i can give up diet coke i can conquer the portion control thing. i just always feel like i'm out of control.

oh yea, and i had to try on 3 skirts to find one that fit this morning. grrr. i really need to get my act together--STAT. the problem is the more things i feel like i need to fix and change, the less i want to do anything.

today=new day

2008-06-07T08:29:00.000-07:00

what is it about the scale? it has the power to totally throw me off and induce insta-depression.

anyway, yesterday was...not my best day. i'll just label it a full on 'cheat' day. i was keeping track of everything until about 5 pm (when i had 2 points left) and then i just kind of stopped caring..and started eating whatever i wanted. bad bad bad. that kind of behavior is exactly how i ended up back here and square zero. why is this so hard to learn? the only victory of the day was that i managed to avoid eating any of my brother's cookies (which the nutrition label says contain 270 cal and 15g fat! yikes!!)

i did try a new pilates video last night which i'm really excited about.

so, today it's back to food journaling, and clean eating. and no more of this pity party nonsense.

urrgh

2008-06-06T07:53:00.001-07:00

so, i was just a tiny bit excited to weigh in today because i have been on *best* behavior for this whole week. i've been journaling...i've kept track of everything i've eaten and i didn't go over my flex points. i've been eating healthy stuff--salads, lean chicken, yogurt, veggies and fruit etc. i haven't been cheating at all! i've worked out every day. i'm drinking all my water. i haven't eaten after 10 pm.

so how did the scale go up??!! 1.5 lbs? RAAH!

seriously. i was so expecting a 3 lb. loss...or at the very least -.5 or something. how can this be??

arrgh.

hate the scale. the jeans don't lie though...and those definitely feel looser.

i just have to keep doing what i'm doing and not let the numbers freak me out.

but seriously. URRGH!

the 7 pm rule

2008-05-31T18:55:00.000-07:00

i've heard all kinds of people swear by the no-eating-after-7pm rule--several of whom are the super skinny 40+ year olds that i go to pilates with...

i don't think there's anything magic about the number 7. but i do think there is something magic about having a cut-off time when you stop eating. i think i'm going to try it this week...however, 7 doesn't feel realistic for me, since i often don't get done teaching until 9 pm.

this week, i'll try the no-eating-after-10pm rule. because seriously, i've been eating up until bedtime--which is usually around 1 am. that can't be good. wish me luck!

(and oh yea, did i mention i'm still not drinking diet coke?)

water is the new diet coke

2008-05-29T23:49:00.000-07:00

i know, i keep blogging about how i'm not drinking diet coke anymore. but seriously, this is huge. no, make that so HUGE! i started drinking it in my early teens, and never stopped. it slowly escalated into a complete addiction/obsession, magnified anytime i had a stressful day or week. i would venture to say that i haven't gone more than 48 hours without one since i was about 16. no, i'm no kidding. (my parents are total addicts too) i've "quit" before--but it was always with the 'i can drink it when i'm out of the house and/or eating out' clause.

i haven't had any for almost 2 weeks now. if you would have asked me even a month ago if i could have gone even 24 hours without one, i would have said "no way."

funny thing is, people who don't know that i've switched to h20 have even commented that i seem like i have more energy and seem happier. and guess what, i feel better--fewer headaches, fewer muscle aches, i just feel...better.

i have never ever believed in all the crazy stuff you read on the internet about how nutrasweet will kill you and makes you feel yucky...until i stopped drinking it. and now i kind of believe all the anti-nutrasweet hype out there...they just might be on to something...

more importantly though, i feel like i have control. i am no longer a slave to the coca-cola company. and controlling that is helping me control my eating.

so, that is why water is the new diet coke.

that explains a lot...

2008-05-28T09:26:00.000-07:00

yesterday was the first day in i don't even know how long that i really kept track of everything i was eating--journaled every single thing that went into my mouth.

i ate 35 points. (!!) and i felt like i was being "good"!!...hmm. suddenly, the too-tight clothing isn't such a mystery.

i hadn't been counting fruit, which can add up really fast...and i've generally stopped keeping track after about 3 pm, which is when i really start eating most days.

so, step 1 will be continuing to journal.

step 2 will be to stop the eating when i'm out of points. (why is this concept so difficult?) i need to eat more zero-points veggies.

good news is that i'm still off diet coke. and i'm eating less refined/packaged crap. 7 of yesterdays points were from fruit. baby steps.

news from the front

2008-05-26T09:57:00.000-07:00

well, the battle continues here at casa de meg...i haven't made much progress in the weight loss department over the past few weeks--still fluctuating between 179 and the scary numbers. sigh. i weighed in this morning and was completely horrified, though i'm not going to put too much stock in that weigh-in...it was kind of a bad week/weekend.

i officially quit diet coke, though. that is BIG news. i've had about a 4-6 16oz. bottle a day habit now for i don't know how long, and i very suddenly decided that i didn't want to be chained to diet coke for the rest of my life. so i switched to a 4-6 bottles of water a day habit. it's been a week, and so far so good! i'm hoping it will help to get rid of my sugar cravings. so far it has helped some i think. mostly though, i'm just wanting to clear all of the artificial sweeteners out of my system.

i do feel motivated again, which is good. i want to be skinny and fit so bad i can taste it!...and too bad it doesn't taste like the freshly baked choc. chip cookies that my brother just pulled out of the oven...(arrgh)

yay!

2008-05-02T08:44:00.000-07:00

minus another lb. this week. yippee!

i've been exercising every day. i seem to be getting better in the will power department and am passing on sweet stuff more often than not.

still need to work on eating fewer carbs and more vegs/fruit...and being more consistent about counting/food journaling.

that is all.

top of the muffin to you! (part 1)

2008-04-26T22:17:00.000-07:00

so...as anyone who has read this blog knows, i have a constant stream of baked goods paraded in front of me by my brother, which i really think is the single biggest factor contributing to me not being able to get and/or stay skinny. (more hard evidence on that later)..anyway, i've decided to fight back. kind of.

i am a bakedgoodsaholic. but i am discovering that to a certain extent, it doesn't really make a difference what kind of baked goods. for now anyway, i seem to feel ok about eating a muffin while watching my brother eat his weight in chocolate chip cookies.

so, last weekend, i made 3 batches of healthy, high fiber, low point muffins. i individually wrapped each muffin and put them all in the freezer.

so far, it has worked brilliantly. a) because the muffins are in the freezer, they are out of sight/out of mind. b) i have baked good available when faced with cookie envy...baked goods that only take 35 seconds to heat up in the microwave. c) each muffin is all wrapped up so it's "special"---but it also installs a trip switch--i.e., do you really want to unwrap and heat up another muffin?

anyway, they have been in the freezer for a week and i'm happy to say that they're not even a 1/3 of the way gone. not even close. i think i've eaten about 10 small ones over the last week. most of the time if i bake something it's gone in about 3 days.

plus, i got my baking fix. i love baking. too bad i'm not one of those naturally skinny people, otherwise i'd open a pastry shop tomorrow.

RECIPE #1: Apple Cinnamon Muffins (1 pt)
via Hungry Girl

Take the Fiber One Muffin mix (IGNORE box directions), add 1 cup canned pumpkin, 1 cup water, and 1/2 cup Egg Beaters (or egg whites). Mix until just blended. Pour the mixture into 18 of the muffin cups, and bake as directed (refer to the box). The recipe makes 18 muffins instead of 12, and each one has just 95 calories & 2g fat and still has close to 4g fiber. (1 point!) (and they're YUMMY!)

more recipes to follow...

Alert!!!!

2008-04-25T06:42:00.000-07:00

Thesis writing is over...until I get comments back from my advisors, then committee. One of my advisors is really really picky, so I'm a bit nervous about that.

But the alert is that I just spent 30 minutes rummaging through my closet trying to find something that fit me and looked decent. And no, I don't need to go shopping. I need to lose weight. I weighed in at 143. That is 3 pounds higher than my comfortable 140lb set point. And, 13-15 pounds higher than goal.

I can bike to the train again, which is 30 mintues of exercise, 5 days a week. Add in weekend exercise of more biking, walking, and kayaking, and I should be a-ok. But I need to get my eating back in check. I'm going to start counting again before I gain more weight! I know we aren't supposed to set goals dates for weight loss goals, but I'd really like to shed 5 pounds or so in the next 6 weeks (yeah, I probably won't make it) and another 5 pounds by July...

mini-update

2008-04-24T10:07:00.000-07:00

i'm still just a little bit in denial about the *exact* numbers on the scale...but last week the scale read 4.5 lbs higher than it did today...more evidence that numbers make very little sense for me...(-4.5 lbs in one week?) but the jeans are feeling looser too, so that is a good sign. the scale was the wake-up call that i needed though to kick start the motivation.

i have gotten my act together and stopped the cookie insanity. it also helps that the bro was gone last week and will be gone this week too...so i feel more in control without the constant stream of goodies coming through the house.

i'm still just kicking myself for letting things get so out of hand in the first place. but oh well, that is life.

i will post more later ...pics and some great new recipes i've tried!

Rub a Dub Dub...

2008-04-13T22:47:00.000-07:00

...i feel like a tub.

i seriously don't know what my problem has been. i just can't seem to get it together in the eating department lately. and by lately, i mean since...umm...december. there have been multiple 'chocolate incidents' as of late...cookies, m&ms, skinny cows, dessert at restaurants etc. etc. plus, i just haven't been counting, or caring. at all.

exercise, yea, i do it. but it doesn't really matter when i'm eating anything and everything all day every day.

seriously. time to get a grip.

so. this week is "GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, WOMAN!" week.

i will weigh in on friday. (eek)

and i will post pics of me in my pre-mylifebecameinsaneandimdoingwaytoomanythingsandneversleep jeans circa May 2005. those are the new goal. (double eek. no, better make that a triple eek)

and i will food journal. because as much as i hate it, it does work.

and i will stop all of the cookie/chocolate/sugar madness. i mean really. this blog is called 'skinnify', not 'tubbify'...

The sweet finish

2008-04-06T10:06:00.000-07:00

Does being in a constant state of stress and anxiety burn increase one's resting metabolism? I sure hope so. Until this week, I was doing alright. I was walking a little bit and eating well (except for those candy bits...more on that later). But this week, I'm been a raving lunatic when it comes to portions. Over 5 days my breakfast and lunch portions practically doubled. But I was seriously HUNGRY. Blood sugar levels crashing, can't walk, can't think CRAZY HUNGRY. I'm not sure what the cause was... It could be the stress, my freezing work environment (62 degress - come on!), or my change in BC methods (sorry if that's too much info, but hormones might be playing a role here). We'll see how I do with portions this week - at least I haven't lost sight of how much I should be eating...

Over the past few months, I've fallen into a bad pattern of needing a sweet finish to meals (and snacks). At home, that means dark chocolate and at work that means a dip into the admin's bottomless candy bowl or a fist full of whatever free refined carb, sugary, transfatty evil is lurking from meetings. There was also the 5-10 (who's counting? not me!) tragic incidents with cupcakes that I made for my husband's birthday. I made two kinds of frosting, so naturally, I had to eat twice as many cupcakes. They say that successful dieters decrease the variet of food they keep at home - they might be on to something. (Did you know that toast takes good with frosting on it? It does, not that's I'd know first hand...really...) I've tried finishing eating with coffee or tea or small bits of chocolate, but it's just not taking. I suppose the problem is will power, but I need to get this fixed. fast. ideas?

Thesis writing has begun. Which poses a new problem for getting skinny. When I open that "thesis" folder, I want to start eating, mindlessly. Needless to say, I've just ordered a massive amounts of popcorn to get me through these next few weeks... Apologies for not commenting on your blogs for a while - I probably won't get around to commenting again until, um, June. But, my good old google reader keeps me fully updated and you all are so GOOD. and motivational! OK, back to work for me...

in a funk/rut

2008-03-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

hmm...funk/rut could be a cool name for a band...

ok, as you've probably guessed, my motivation level has taken a nosedive since..umm...december. and it has pretty much stayed in a tailspin since then. i just can't seem to pull myself out of it.

i am still exercising every single day. pilates or treadmill. but my eating? holy all-over-the-map, batman. i can sustain self control until about 11am, and then i just start eating indiscriminately. and i just don't really care. i always wake up with these grand intentions of counting everything i eat and being good and then...bam! it's 11 pm, i'm still hungry, i have no idea what i've really eaten that day except for some vague memories of a sandwich...and oh, there was that bowl of cereal...and did i eat 2 kashi granola bars or just one? and i think i might have had a cookie. and some popcorn. wait, did i have 2 cookies? etc. etc. you get the idea...

i dunno, maybe it's the lingering winter-ish weather...or maybe i've just got a case of the blahs. i know it's a lot of stress eating combined with emotional eating. i still want to lose weight, but i just can't muster up the motivation to do all of the work it will take to actually lose it.

and see, this is always the problem...i'll lose some weight...like 10 lbs, everything is great, i'm totally motivated and doing great and then i'll hit something like a holiday or vacation and that ignites that i-don't-care demons and then 3 months later i'm pretty much back where i started.

grr.

so, for now i think i'm going to focus on maintaining my exercise regimen...and keep hacking away at the eating bit. i'm sure sooner or later i'll get up the gumption to start really trying...i'm just not feeling it right now....

would a J Crew model eat that?

2008-03-12T20:09:00.000-07:00

for years i've been lamenting the huge injustice that i was not, in fact, born to be a j crew model. if i could return my body and get a new one at the store, this is the one i would choose.

but, don't worry, i'm not torturing myself with some impossible (and airbrushed) ideal that is (sniff) not in the realm of possibility for my set of dna.

however, asking myself "would a j crew model eat that?" or "would a j crew model eat that much of that?" has proven to be a pretty effective portion control device.

well, at least for this week... which is why i'm labeling this the "tactic of the week"

Hanging on, kinda sorta

2008-02-26T01:51:00.000-08:00

Sooooo sorry that I've been MIA. I've missed blogging and the support and your blogs! But I've been working a LOT for the past few weeks. My time at home is shrinking rapidly and it looks like it is only going to get worse over the next few months. But there is light at the end of the tunnel - we are currently scheduling my thesis defense. Finally. (Though, the work won't stop when I have the degree...booo!)

As you all recommended, I've been hanging onto the dieting, which is pretty much keeping me at maintenance if you count in all of those little sins. When I work late, I need to buy dinner. Or if I don't stop for that snack break, I end up stuffing my face with BAD foods later on.

The good news is that I've been walking to the train (35 minutes, walking fast, each way) in an attempt to cram some exercise into my day. And I've been making a big vat of soup every weekend to carry me through the week.

I'd still like to lose some more weight, and I think that times like this are excellent times to lose weight if I plan well, since I don't have time to sit around craving food. I need to get better about packing dinners and more snacks to work. I need to start really keeping track of how much I'm eating. And I need to build in some pilates and strength training on the weekends. That's the plan. Hold me to it, k?

learning to say no

2008-02-24T21:09:00.000-08:00

no is a very tough word for me. and not just in the weight-loss department. in all facets of life, i just hate saying no. (cue that song from...Oklahoma? I'm just a girl who can't say no...) i'm constantly getting myself into situations where using the word "no" would prevent sooo much frustration. and yet, i keep on saying yes. old habits die hard, i suppose.

i am a yes kind of girl. i like to make people happy. people like it when you say yes. yes-- you'll help them with this even though you have to rearrange your entire life to do it...or yes you'll take on this massive project that you know you don't have time for....you know...we all do it, i'm sure.

i also like saying yes to treats. yes, sugar. yes, ice cream. yes, cookies. yes. yes yes yes.

until i look in the mirror...then i think no no no no no.

hmm.

a connection? yes, i think there is.

i need to embrace no. i know i know, i shouldn't deny myself treats, i should just eat in moderation. i totally believe in that. but eating in moderation requires saying "no more" after treat numero uno. no more treat numero dos...

sigh.

does this make any sense? hmm. well, it's been quite a weekend. it was the brother's b-day. luckily he didn't want a cake...but for some reason i felt possessed to make him his favorite double chocolate cookies. so now there are 3 doz. cookies in the house--- and this time it's my fault. there were also some ill-advised cinnamon rolls as part of the celebrations...chipotle...and pizza. ugh.

this week i need to say yes to exercise, vegetables, water and more exercise. yes to counting points. yes to weighing in. yes to getting back on track. and no to the treats.

ok, what am i going to eat next?

2008-02-22T22:04:00.000-08:00

am i the only one who does this?

please say no. sometimes i really think i'm C-R-A-Z-Y. it's been one of those days. one of those days when i can't stop putting food in my mouth. when i feel HUNGRY ALL THE TIME. one of those days where, as i'm chewing on something, i'm thinking, "ok, this is good, but what should i eat next?"

i'm pretty sure that skinny people don't do this.

well. i did manage to keep the things that were flying into my mouth from the (mostly) healthy list...apples, 60-cal jello pudding, carrots, salad, kashi granola bar and fiber 1 bar, nutri grain waffles and no pudge brownies. along with a very tasty hamburger. oh, and some yogurt. and smart pop popcorn.

i eat a a lot.

but it could have been worse. i was seriously lusting after my brother's giant bowl of movie butter popcorn. and i watched him eat 3 ice cream drumsticks. and real caesar salad dressing (the whole packet). and more ice cream. sigh.

accountability

2008-02-10T22:38:00.001-08:00

welll.....

it's been one of those weeks. cookie detox has so far been successful. this was aided immensely by having the stomach flu for a day.

however, after recovering from said flu, i've been kinda eating whatever because, you know, i didn't eat for a WHOLE DAY, so that means i'm entitled to do whatever i want, right?

hmm.

today was dinner at the grandparents which involved pot roast, potatoes, homemade rolls and...lemon pie. yumm.

to make matters worse, i was sent home with a gourmet mint truffle candy bar. and it just opened itself and jumped right into my mouth. all 22 fat grams. just couldn't wait to hop in my stomach and make their way to my thighs.

hmm.

so....tomorrow is another day. beginning with an 8 am pilates class. and no more mint truffle bars. ever.

cookie detox

2008-02-06T21:01:00.000-08:00

the bro decided unexpectedly to leave town for the next few days, so it will be a cookie and junk free zone at least until monday! yippee skippee!

i celebrated by going to the store and loading up on fruit and vegetables.

i feel better already.

(thanks for the comments, by the way...it's nice to know that i'm not the only one who just can't resist baked goods...)

where's the reset button?

2008-02-05T20:26:00.000-08:00

ok, seriously. i really suck at the whole "weight loss" thing.

i seem to be able to make it to 169.something fairly easily...and then i start feeling invincible or something and then BAM, i'm back around 175. actually, i don't even know how much i weigh right now. i've been avoiding the scale for the past few weeks...but if the way my jeans are fitting is any indication, i'm well past the "comfort zone"

soooo....exercise has been ok. i've been getting an hour of something in everyday. but for me, the real battles are fought and won in the food department...which has been where i'm losing big time.

i think my major losses during nov/dec were entirely due to my brother being out of the house and in china. when he was gone, i had nothing but healthy food around the house, no cookies, no pizza, no ice cream, nada. and shazam! i lost a ton and gained self control. enough self control to make it all the way through christmas.

but, january has been one bleak month for the Department of Weight Management at la casa de meg.

i think i've been averaging somewhere between 12-50 cookies per week for the last 6 weeks or so. no, i'm not kidding. he bakes up a pan of 24 choco chip cookies *everyday*...and if it's not cookies, then there's pizza, or there's ice cream, or he wants to go out to my favorite mexican place etc. etc.

i know, i know. i should make healthy choices for me, no matter what my brother brings in the house or where he wants to eat. i know i know, i should make him hide his food...or i should just " have some self control" or just "don't eat it" as he has said.

but, i sometimes just don't have the willpower. willpower for me is more about avoiding the temptation, not staring the temptation in the face day after day after day. seriously.

so, am i just a wimp? do i just need to buckle down, get over it turn a blind eye to all of the high-cal treats around? hmm.

well, in any case, thanks for letting me whine.

I'm gross.

2008-01-30T09:05:00.001-08:00

I am totally gross. I don't know what came over me yesterday. Since last week, I've been on best behavior - eating well and exercising regularly. But yesterday was a day of minor stresses and I ended eating really yucky bad for me things that I would never had eaten when I'm being sane. Or had Kashi TLC or Larabars on hand (I certainly have them at work today).

The trouble is that we have several weekly meetings. And at each of them are Dunkin Donuts bagels and donuts and coffee. I normally try to stick to the coffee since the bagels and donuts are yucky and make me hungrier if i eat them. But I usually end up eating about a 1/3 of one in a moment of weakness. No biggie.

Well yesterday, I ended up picking at the leftovers (there were a lot this time) throughout the bay and ended up eating a whopping 2.5 donuts and a third of a bagel with cream cheese. I am so gross! Although I'm know to have my moments, this was particularly bad. Especially because one of the donuts looked just like that pink one that they use to promote the Simpsons Movie. Yucky, right? I'm so gross. I also had my normal meals: grapenuts, coffee, banana, pear, white bean kale soup, string cheese, and a small bit of shepard's pie. Oh, and Lindt truffle thingy (white chocolate - I don't even like white chocolate!)

Anyway. I'm doing a bit better today, though I did just scarf down a Larabar (not low cal, but better than eating MORE bagels and donuts).

In better news, my school has a yearly fitness team challenge. Basically, you get into teams of 6 and everyone tries to exercise a minimum of a certain number of minutes per week. It goes on for something like 10 weeks and ramps up the minutes. This week is 150, so I should be able to make it easily. I'm glad I signed up, especially in light on the donut madness. Certainly, minor stresses are about to add up for me in the coming months.

The Tire

2008-01-21T12:41:00.000-08:00

As you may have surmised from my lack of blogging lately, I haven't been the 200% dieter that I wanted to be lately. I'm not exactly sure why - probably a combination of being busy, being lazy when I'm not being busy, and liking food too much and exercise not enough. I haven't quite fallen off the wagon yet, but my leg is kind of dangling off...if you know what I mean.

I've been kinda exercising (thanks to marking my calendar when I exercised) and eating has been so so, but there have been more sweets than I care to admit. (Oh, and just because chocolate covered peppermint marshmallows are "not as bad" as cookies doesn't mean a dieter should make a double batch and leave them out in a clear container. Oy.)

Last week I weighed in at 141.5 which was higher than I wanted and after a small incident with come cake, whip cream, and marshmallows, I was starting to feel my "tire". It's getting a bit squishy and just more THERE than it was a few weeks ago. It's not very apparent, but I don't feel as comfortable in tight shirts.

So, I need to do something about this. I need to firm up on points (I keep cheating here and there) and exercise more. The problem is that work is ramping up again and I'm just not sure I have the energy to bother right now. I'll be graduating this semester, so these next few months are going to be really rough (paper writing, paper re-writing, finishing experiments, writing dissertation, giving talks, finding a post doc position, etc.). Often when I get home from school, I am totally zonked and feel lucky that I at least have healthy food around (um, except for those darn marshmallows and spice cake. sheeet.) Exercise is totally out of the question. And on weekends, I'm way more interested in spending time with the boy and my friends, and relaxing or fixing up the house.

So, help!!! What would you do if you thought life was about to get a whole lot busier, your waistline was getting a whole lot flabbier, and you're not sure you care enough to do something about it but care enough to try a little and feel guilty about it the rest of the time? I know I should put my foot down and declare war on my weight but I don't know if I have it in me right now.

(image credit)

Reality Bites

2008-01-18T12:43:00.000-08:00

i decided to face my fears and step on ye olde scale this morning.

hmm.

well, it could have been much much much worse, but i'm still none too pleased with my post-christmas tailspin. yes, i have been exercising...but my eating has been downright sinful. too many brownies, cookies, pizza, bread, chipotle and unrepentant eat-whatever-i-want behavior.

yes, reality bites. when i eat like crap, the number on the scale goes up. sad, but true. exercise does help...but it can't make all those extra calories disappear.

i am hoping this will provide the motivation that has been lacking this week. i think at least part of the problem is that it's january. we're deep in the thick of winter coat/bulky sweater season, so i'm feeling nice and comfy with any weight gain neatly hidden beneath my very cute winter coat. time to take the coat (and gloves) off.

(the number on the scale was 172.2...up from 169.4 the week before christmas. boo.)

All over the map

2008-01-15T20:57:00.000-08:00

no, i haven't been globetrotting, unfortunately. my eating has been all over the place though. wiggity-wack, if you will.

some days i'm super good...then i'm super duper BAD, followed by some mediocre days, followed by stretches of cookies and eating out.

sigh.

it's all emotional eating. it's been non-stop dramarama + stressarama around these parts for a few weeks, so my mind has been elsewhere. i haven't been counting. i haven't weighed in since before christmas. i'm bad. the worst part is i don't really care. although i know i will very shortly.

i have been exercising everyday, however. that seems to be the one good thing goin' on in the weight loss department. and hallelujah i had the foresight to invest in that treadmill a few months ago--that has probably kept me from gaining about 20 lbs this winter.

any suggestions for pulling myself out of this rut? (before i have to call in a crane to lift me out?!)

note to self: MUST STOP EATING!

2008-01-08T22:26:00.001-08:00

i don't know what my problem is.

i am hungry.

all

the

time.

i just can't stop eating. seriously. i'm munchy-munchy/starving all day. i think my stomach got really stretched out from christmas and now my body thinks it needs like 2500 calories to survive. or something.

any advice? (besides duct tape over my mouth?)

exercise is going fine...i'm doing pilates 3x a week and i go walking everyday (treadmill or mallwalking) for 60+ min.

but seriously, i'd need to be running several marathons a week to justify this much eatiness. i just need to break the cycle and get back to "angelic" meg. where did she go?!

On again, off again

2008-01-06T18:28:00.000-08:00

That should actually read: "off again, on again...hopefully".

This weekend, I kind of had a couple (read: lots) of needless incidents with chocolate covered pretzels, whipped cream (no, not like that!), peppermint marshmallows, blueberry pie, espresso chocolate, craisins, bread, cheese.

It wasn't even worth it, and I'm not sure what caused it. Maybe I will trying to fill the void of the mac and cheese I've been craving. At least I burned some calories sanding the walls in the bathroom (ouch).

Anyway, I've pretty much used all of my flex points which don't reset until Friday. So, I cleaned out the fridge and make the following to help me eat well, but low calorie, for the rest of the week: chicken curry, steel cut oats, apple sauce with cranberries, and split pea soup. This weekend I also made up some pureed white beans with garlic and rosemary to go with some scallops - soooo good and healthy. I think I'll be making more bean purees.

Weigh-ing in the New Year

2008-01-04T08:16:00.000-08:00

(I know I know, lame title, but I couldn't help it.) I weighed 140 this morning. I'm very pleased with that, considering my luxurious (read: buttery, inactive) holiday season. I'm also glad that my body seems to have some kind of stopping point around 140. I still hope to lose an additional 10 lbs or so in the next 6 months, but I don't need to, so if I just maintain from here, that's ok too.

The important thing now is keeping my eating habits and making exercise regular. I have diabetes running on both sides of the family so I need to ramp up my exercise for my health, not my looks. So far (erm, ok, just 2 days), marking my new calendar is working for me.

BTW, does anyone have a link (or book recommendation) for good Thera-band workouts?

how do you like them apples?

2008-01-03T12:55:00.000-08:00

i've discovered a new, pre-packaged friend.

apparently, i'm the laziest person alive because i find it *very* difficult to cut up an apple. i don't know why. for some reason, when i want a snack, cutting an apple (or peeling an orange etc.) always feels so...labor-intensive? i know. it's sad, but true. for some reason, i always think opening up a granola bar wrapper will be so much faster.

well, i've started eating these pre-sliced apples and i love them.

i'm sure that there are multiple reasons i shouldn't eat these (i.e. chemicals on the apples to make them not go brown...), but for now, it's helping me eat more fruit and less non-fruit/veg pre-packaged foods. (such as evil granola bars, cereal, cookies etc. etc.) i figure i'm already ingesting enough chemicals via diet coke to kill a small animal...so, what is a few more?

yesterday...well, i was a bad girl yesterday. the bro made choc. chip cookies and i just couldn't keep my paws off of them. i don't even want to say how many i ate. let's just say it was more than 5 and less than 8. (gasp!) i spent 90 minutes on the treadmill as penance. and i probably burned off about 1 cookie. go me.

Being good...and clutter free

2008-01-02T19:15:00.000-08:00

Being good feels good. I need to remember that. Meg wrote about this a while ago too, but I'd just forgotten about it until today when I was actually good and didn't suffer from it - it just felt good. I think I'm not alone is this all or nothing "goodness" behavior. Though today, I was just so happy to be able to put two silver dots next to Jan 2 on my new super cute letterpress calendar that I got from Meg (thanks!). Baby steps...baby steps... But seriously, I feel like I'm either "together" and good or "disheveled/lazy" and not good.

I remember a while back there was discussion on the blogs about being organized and clean and keeping on track (again, the "on" or "off" mode). Well, we aren't alone. Check this out: purging your clutter and weight-loss go hand in hand.

This makes a lot of sense to me - living in a mess (as I usually do) is stressful , a time drain, and makes me feel bad about myself. It's time to get my act together - last night I purged my magazines and books and mugs and we have plans to load up the car with our "give away" pile in the basement this weekend - I can't wait. (Do I get to count lifting as exercise?)

I love work

2008-01-02T08:19:00.000-08:00

I know, not a typical statement out of a finishing, disgruntled grad student, but I love work for the sake of my diet. I drink more water and eat fewer calories when I'm not at home. Needless to say, I need a "schedule" to get back on track from my vacation time. I had a nice, relaxing break - but it did include a lot of eating and not much exercise. This year, I simply need to get on track with my exercise again. So far, the scale has been kind to me and I've been weighing in just under 140, but I think my body just hasn't had time yet to churn the recent calorie influx in to fat... My game plan for exercise is a little childish, but worked for me beofre: put up a calendar and circle or highlight days that I exercised... Seems simple enough, so I'll keep you updated as to how it goes.

I know it is supposed to be "bad" to set timelines for weight loss goals and such, but this year I want to be skinny and fit by June. The fam is coming out for graduation and (hello vanity!) I want to look good. My mom ALWAYS gives me a hard time about my weight, and I don't want to hear a peep out of her about it this time around. (Last time she visited, it took her only 25 hours before saying something about the size of my rear...real nice.)

In other news, I can pee upstairs now. I'm SO EXCITED about that. We made a lot of progress on our bathroom redo and hope to put up some pictures for you when it's really finished. I'm hoping that all of the bathroom building worked off some of my extra calories too...

Happy New Year to everyone!

back on the wagon

2008-01-02T06:57:00.000-08:00

so...let me see if i can give you a brief tour of the last 2 weeks.

i ate A LOT.
a lot of sugar. more sugar. and more sugar. cookies, cake, dessert, chocolate, bread, ice cream. you name it, i ate it. and i didn't count it.

i don't know what happened to the motivation that was keeping me so...good?...angelic?...or at least just on track from thanksgiving until christmas...

well, in any case, it's high time to get back on track.

i start counting today. and not just counting until about 3 pm when i stop caring. all day. everyday.

i did manage to keep up with the exercise, which is good. but, i haven't stepped on the scale in a few weeks and i'm really nervous about that...scary stuff!

chocoholics anonymous

2007-12-21T07:46:00.001-08:00

hi, my name is meg and i've recently developed a major chocolate problem.

i blame my students.

so far this week i've received 3 plates of cookies, 1 plate of homemade fudge, 1 box of truffles, 2 king size symphony bars (the almond and toffee kind...mmmm), 1 package peppermint bark, 1 box of Ghiradelli mint chocolate squares and a box of chocolate-covered macadamia nuts.

and my brother made chocolate chip cookies 3 times. that's 72 cookies.

and i also seem to have found my way into my brother's cookies & cream ice cream (the real stuff, not low fat).

i've been a bad bad girl.

time to clean up my act. i'm throwing ALL of the chocolate away today. weighed in today at 170.4 (1 lb up from last week...), so all of this holiday cheer needs to stop immediately!

on the boy front...hmmm, lots of exciting things to report! it seems like this might be going somewhere! crazy! i've pretty much seen him everyday for a week... although now he is out of the country for 2 weeks for the holidays...sad, but maybe i'll actually be able to get some work done! maybe even a little blogging...

blahhhhhhhh

2007-12-17T20:30:00.000-08:00

really freakin cold weather + too much school work + too much home repair work = not cooking or eating healthy foods + not exercising (except shoveling, stressing, shivering, and balancing icy sidewalks) = probably gaining weight and not really caring

Last week, this formula meant that I craved uber salty noodle soup (Asian, any kind of Asian, I am equal opportunity) in a big way right before weigh in. Weigh in was way way way bad. so bad it was impossible to be just fat. But ever since Friday, I'm been too afraid to weigh myself again.

I just have too much on my mind right now to worry too much about losing these last 0-15 lbs. I keep flip flopping (like my ex-gov Mitt - that horrible horrible man who wants to fight secularism - WTF?) about whether to stay around 140, which I think is my happy idon'thavetotryveryhardtomaintainthis weight or shoot for the goal of weighing less than the boy.

Looks like I'll be a proper American and pledge to lose it come the New Year...

Addendum: I almost forgot! I'm watching the biggest loser finale tomorrow night with a bunch of skinny girls - is this a huge mistake or what? I'm CRAZY. (I was also the big girl again at a party this weekend - I HATE THAT. sigh.)

hello 160's!

2007-12-14T07:47:00.000-08:00

yippee!!!

i weighed myself for the first time in two weeks...and i'm at 169.4! AND, that was with jeans and a heavy sweater. so, i bet i'm actually less than that in my usual weigh-in "outfit"....

hallelujah!

i was starting to get a little lax the past couple of days, so this is some great extra motivation to keep going. maybe i can reach my christmas goal (165)? or maybe i should make that number a new years goal...hmm...

on the boy-front:
i don't know how my life went from very boring to extremely dramatic in less than two weeks! i've seen a lot of him this week...and there have been some "interesting" developments. but, bottom line is i still don't know what i think.

but, it is exciting and entertaining (for the most part)..well, at least it's keeping my love counselor bri entertained ...we shall see where this goes...

Bad Bad Bri

2007-12-12T10:52:00.000-08:00

I've been a bad blogger. But I've also been a bad dieter. I've been shoveling truffle cookies in my mouth like they are the last things I'll ever eat. (I sent the rest with the boy to work today.) I've been sleeping in too late to exercise or even eat breakfast (gasp!) - replacing that meal with a Larabar (incredibly good - not all fakeybarfoodlike - however not low calorie...) I haven't been exercising at night either. And Stan is back (surprise surprise). Sigh.

ok, time to get serious

2007-12-09T22:56:00.000-08:00

ok...i confess, this whole week has pretty much been a wash as far as diet and exercise. i got in two pilates workouts, but no walking. i haven't really been keeping track of what i'm eating...(which has included in the last 48 hours those evil danish shortbread cookies, chocolate chip cookies, frosted flakes and who knows what else...) and, i forgot to weigh in on friday. like seriously forgot, not just pretend forgot.

where did all my motivation go??!!

i think i kind of started thinking i was invincible. after my (glorious and victorious) thanksgiving weekend, i thought i could do no wrong. and this week, my appetite has been all out of whack too due to the new boy/butterflies...so i started into that all-too-familiar backslide "well, i pretty much didn't eat anything on tuesday or wednesday, so i can eat whatever i want for the rest of the week..."

no no no! we all know exactly where that backslide ends up...

SO...it's time to get back on track. i am hopping on my treadmill right now and i will be counting everything i eat starting tomorrow.

and..for your daily dose of "as meg's world turns"...
i went out w/ the new boy again on saturday...and have plans to go out again monday (movies), thursday (his company holiday party) and saturday (symphony) this week...and possibly more days than that if he has his way....! :)

(sorry, not very many juicy details. i leave that to your imaginations...)

Saved by the toothbrush!!!

2007-12-07T08:53:00.000-08:00

I hate getting ready for bed - the worst part about getting ready for bed is brushing my teeth. I hate hate hate hate it.

Last night I was in the middle of baking 3 recipes of truffle cookies (I figured you didn't need a picture...the name says it all) and was madly stuffing my face with ugly specimens, broken off chunks, the works. I knew I needed to stop.

I tried to make popcorn so I would munch on that instead, but burned it after walking away from the stove. So I brushed my teeth. BRILLIANT. Why did I forget about this dieting trick? I hate brushing my teeth more than I love truffle cookies...so after brushing my teeth I was not going to eat any more cookie bits. HORAYYY!!!

Weigh-in: Stan is gone! At least for today. He took some friends with him and I lost 2.5 pounds (am now 137.5) - I'll wait a bit before updating the sidebar. Somehow, I think Stan will be back...

image credit

butterflies...

2007-12-05T19:06:00.000-08:00

yea, so, sorry i'm hijacking this normally diet-related blog to write about butterflies.

well, they are butterflies in my stomach, so i guess that's diet-related, right?

since a few people asked... i went out with blind date guy again last night...and let's just say there might be something there to be giddy about!

in classic meg fashion, when i have boy-related giddiness, i lose my appetite completely and forget to eat. yes, you read that right. i forget to eat. generally i tend to lose a whole ton of weight, only to gain in back (plus some) as soon as the butterflies/giddiness settles down.

so, this time around, i'm making myself eat. no starving. no messed up metabolism.

and we'll see how long these butterflies last...

Grocery bills

2007-12-05T18:36:00.000-08:00

I swear, I really do things other than read the New York Times (I read blogs and shop too!)...but I have another article to pass along. This one summarizes a recent study about how much a 2000 calorie diet costs in terms of junk food or presumably "healthy" calorie-sparse foods. The cost difference is about 10 times per calorie! They also report that the average American spends ~$7 per day on food while low-income Americans spend ~$4. Reading the article reminded me of the discussion over at Sister Skinny a while back about grocery bills. As I commented, I spend a lot of food, $400-500 per month for two, which is right in the range for average Americans! That makes me feel a bit better since I always have wallet guilt as I leave the grocery store...

I also wonder what would happen is we got rid of the farm subsidies - would we see a change in people's diets and health if highly-processed, calorie-dense foods became more expensive? (I'll plug the Omnivore's Dilemma again - read it!!!) I could go on and on about this issue, but I'll spare you.

On my diet front - eating has been good, exercising has been lacking, to put it nicely. Speaking of, I'd better head to the treadmill...

Ease up on perfectionism, lose the weight?

2007-12-04T20:16:00.000-08:00

A friend sent me this New York Times article about perfectionism and I couldn't help thinking that maybe perfectionism is interfering with my weight loss (I am a perfectionist, though the messiest you will ever meet). I'm not really sure that the article says anything, except pointing out that perfectionism is encouraged by society and that perfectionists are critical and prone to unhappiness over minor bumps in the road that wouldn't phase others. This is not earth shattering, but I found the following to be relevant to the weight-loss struggles that we blog and blog and blog about:

Consider a recent study by psychologists at Curtin University of Technology in Australia, who found that the level of “all or nothing” thinking predicted how well perfectionists navigated their lives. The researchers had 252 participants fill out questionnaires rating their level of agreement with 16 statements like “I think of myself as either in control or out of control” and “I either get on very well with people or not at all.”
...
The burden of perfectionist expectations is all too familiar to anyone who has struggled to kick a bad habit. Break down just once — have one smoke, one single drink — and at best it’s a “slip.” At worst it’s a relapse, and more often it’s a fall off the wagon: failure. And if you’ve already fallen, well, may as well pour yourself two or three more.

It is so common that as dieters we "fall off the wagon" on weekends, or in stressful times, or from a bad weigh-in. Once we indulge in that second piece of cake or finish off that new bottle of wine, all hell brakes loose and out "good" eating and exercise habits go out the window (for me, I'll stay in this state for either a day or until my points reset). I think that many of us, myself included, are either in diet-mode or whocaresimsotiredofdieting-mode.

For this weight loss attempt, I've been concentrating on moderation. I have tried to avoid extreme healthy eating and crazy exercise schedules, instead aiming for "sustainability". But it is hard. More often than not, I find it too easy to use moderation as an excuse to indulge. And once indulgence starts (chips at a party, that darn brownie, those fun sized candy bars), I may stay "on program" but I usually find excuses to exercise less (u-HEM, tonight for example...lemon curd incident #10 + no treadmill!). Is real moderation so difficult to maintain because it just is, or because of perfectionism? (Does calling it perfectionism make it just sound nice?) If I can control the perfectionism, can I control my weight?

OK, I'm kind of rambling now. But all this also made me question my motives for trying to lose more weight than I have. I'm not overweight. I'm not fat. I'm not chubby. But I'm just not as skinny as I want to be, and I think about that ALL THE TIME. Is this because I'm a perfectionist? Or maybe I'm just vain?

So...what do you think? Are you a perfectionist, and do you think it impacts your weight loss or maintenance?

weekend review

2007-12-02T23:29:00.000-08:00

sooo...things are going ok. for some reason, i have a much easier time blogging when things aren't going very well. something about sharing successes just feels like bragging/boasting/showing off, which i'm just not a fan of...know what i mean? but then again, i read other people's blogs to read their successes...and actually the whole point of this blog is to be successful. well anyway, i'm rambling.

i managed to stay on track this weekend. the brother is back along with his frozen pizzas, tubs of ice cream and refrigerated cookie dough. i haven't touched any of it. when i picked him up yesterday we drove through Carl's Jr and he ordered a load of food (literally. probably like 5000 calories) and i didn't even ask for one fry.

i went out to dinner w/ a friend on friday night. he ordered an enormous piece of my very favorite carrot cake in the whole world. i only had 2 bites. (first time ever) i can usually eat almost a whole piece by myself. but, i just stuck to my salad except for the 2 (heavenly) bites.

saturday was le blind date. it went ok. actually my friend from friday night gave me some really great advice for how to not suck at first dates. (i really suck at them. plus i hate them--double whammy.) anyway, i took his advice and it worked, apparently. the blind date wants to go out again! (i'm not sure what i think about him, but at least it wasn't the horrific experience that it usually is...)

so, i haven't done a ton of exercise this weekend..that is first on the to-do list for tomorrow...but for right now, i'm happy that i didn't have a cataclysmic diet-blowing, depression and/or binge-fest inducing weekend. i could get used to this..

I'll name him Stan

2007-12-01T11:50:00.000-08:00

I gained a pound this week. I think it's the same pound I lost last week. And the one I gained before my trip. And one of the pounds I lost the week before that. Since it seems that this pound keeps coming up, I'm going to name him Stan. So, this week Stan is back, and I'm not so thrilled about it. I think getting to 135 is going to be harder for me than I thought...urgh. Stan is not very motivating - for the past two days (while overeating) I've been trying to convince myself that I should stop counting points for a little while. right...that'll really help.

I feel swamped with work these days - school work, house work (I'd really love to have a finished bathroom), and I need to finish sewing up a diaper bag for a friend. So, exercise is going to be hard to fit in, especially since my hours at the lab are increasing...boourns. At least painting and woodwork counts as exercise, right? Do I get double for painting outside without a coat or gloves in really cold weather? Ahaha.

loss or maintain?

2007-11-30T08:15:00.000-08:00

so, 2 fridays ago i was 174.6, then i weighed myself again a few days later and was 170.4. but, i was pretty sure that was a fluke.

well, today the scale read 170.4 again! (yay!) so is it a loss or a maintain? hmm, i'm gonna go with loss...or maintain...or loss...really i don't care. as long as the numbers are getting smaller, i'm happy. with thanksgiving and all i was just trying not to gain, so i'm happy to have been successful at that!

hopefully i can just keep doing what i'm doing. the brother comes back from china tomorrow, along with his cookie habit...and i'm going on yet another blind date...which are never ever my favorite and often trigger the eat-everything-in-the-house reflex.

so (in the words of Michael Bluth) i'm just hoping to

"keep my head down and power through"

I thought I was a morning person...

2007-11-27T19:33:00.000-08:00

I always thought I was a morning exerciser - get on the treadmill first thing and forget about it for the rest of the day. But I was a bit slow to get out of bed this morning and skipped my 30 min session. Tonight, I was on for an easy 60 min while I happily watched TV (prime time is way better than the Today show - who knew?) - it makes me wonder if I should change up my routine. I think if I switch to evenings I'll be a little unreliable but will have a better workout when I get around to it. Hrmm...decisions, decisions...

On the other front, I've been losing a bit of motivation lately (thanks Mr. Scale - I hate you too) but luckily my produce delivery is keeping me on track and I've been hitting the winter veggies pretty hard. I love cauliflower as "mashed potatoes" - the boy once claimed that he didn't like it, but last night polished off the pot...liar.

thanksgiving special edition

2007-11-25T18:06:00.000-08:00

hello again.

well, i just have to say that i'm sort of mystified by my own *extremely good behavior* over the last week or so. it's like being inhabited by another person...you know, one of those people who actually has it together and doesn't overeat and always exercises? you know, one of those skinny people...

honestly, i can't really account for the change. it just seems to have happened in the last few weeks...i have gotten things under control. maybe my brother being gone? hmm. i was fully expecting a total relapse when i went home last week...but the relapse never happened. nice. let's just keep it this way, shall we?

i've been exercising (walking 60 min) every day. even on thanksgiving.

i said no to the rolls. (gasp!)

i said no to a second piece of pumpkin pie (what?)

i said no to a second serving of stuffing (my favorite!)

i kept track of all my points every day. and i managed to not snack away the entire pantry like i used to do. (seriously. i'm not making this up!)

and...we made magnolia cupcakes for my sister's b-day. (these are a *total* trigger/weakness for me). guess how many i ate? 2 cupcakes over 2 days. i have been known to eat like 6-12 in a day. no joke. just 2?! crazy. good crazy though.

so...i don't know who this alien is that is inhabiting my physical space...but, i hope she stays around.

haven't checked the scale so i have no idea what i weigh...i hope i stick at the fluke 170 mark i was at before thanksgiving...or the 160's would be a nice surprise...

and OH OH OH! guess what? i bought a skirt in size 10 this weekend! and i tried on size 32 joes jeans and they were too big. 31's fit!!! yippee skippee!

(thanks for letting me brag.)

Confessions

2007-11-25T18:02:00.000-08:00

Um, this was a whoopsy holiday weekend. I honestly don't know how much I ate and thinking about it makes me feel guilty. (Think pie, lemon curd, whip cream, stuffing, prime rib, waffles, scones, garlic bread, fries, creamed mushrooms, real mashed potatos...over 4 days...oh, and no exercise.) But it was a nice relaxing weekend with friends and my nice husband, so it was worth it. I'll give myself 5 flex for the rest of the week so I don't give up counting. After being a slothpig all weekend, I "feel" the fat around my mid section and love handles...like the weight was gained instantly. I know it's just in my head - does this happen to anyone else?

Tag, I'm It!! (and I'm also VERY late) (sorry)

2007-11-25T17:55:00.000-08:00

ok...i know you have all been checking your computers every 6 minutes to read my 5 interesting things about me...sorry to keep you all waiting! ha ha ha. here they are:

1. i have never been on an upside down roller coaster. no current plans to either...

2. i had the chicken pox twice (once in kindergarten and once in 2nd grade)

3. i have a crazy, but super useful knack for remembering number sequences, such as phone numbers, bank accounts, credit cards etc. seriously, i know all the info on my parents, family, exes, etc. i would make a fantastic criminal, if i were so inclined. (don't worry, i'm not)

4. i can't roll my tongue.

5. i get right and left mixed up. there's a name for this...and i can't ever remember what it is...but if you tell me to turn left, i'll turn right. i still have to hold up my left hand to find the "L"...the funny thing is, i also have a great sense of direction...as long as the words "right" and "left" don't come into play.

so. there it is! thanks hotthickchick for the link!

and i believe bri has already tagged our 5...(see post below)

Steroid-free water for me, please!

2007-11-20T15:15:00.000-08:00

I'm a little late on the ball for this, I suppose. But BPAs (Bisphenol Aan estrogen mimic) are leeched into foods that are stored in polycarbonate plastic. This is a concern primarily for small children and women of child-bearing age (ack!). I use a lot of plastics in my kitchen - my microwaveable tupperware ($$$$) is polycarbonate (the company won't respond to my emails about exchanging my products) and so are my Nalgene bottles. I'm slowly trying to transition away from my beloved tupperware (I'm so mad that them right now!) and for now will not store oily foods in them. But since I drink 2-3L of water a day from a Nalgene at work, I decided to give up the bottles and get these Sigg beauties instead (0.6 and 1 L).

food journal: Yesterday I ate 20, exercised 2, flex left 20. Today I ate 20, exercised 0, flex left 20.

Tag, we're it!

2007-11-19T19:15:00.000-08:00

We've been tagged by our dear friend Hot Thick Chick! Here are the rules (which I also stole from her): Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog share 5 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird tag 5 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs let them know they are TAGGED by leaving a comment on their blog.

5 REALLY INTERESTING things about me:

1. I've was once detained by the Turkish military police.

2. I love cheese so much that as I child, I used to sneak small sliced of the fancy cheeses in our fridge so that my parents wouldn't know. bad bad girl.

3. I can't do a cartwheel. I was the only girl in my 4th grade class who couldn't do one.

4. I really want a nice big dog. For now though, I've become the crazy cat lady. I'll tell you all about my cats if you give me the chance. And oh yeah, I firmly believe that they are the best cats ever... You all should be glad that I have resisted posting pictures of them on here!

5. I love a bargain (Meg will back me up - I'm super cheap). I also love J. Crew. So I check their website at least daily to catch the good deals. I rarely find them, but when I do... How embarassing.

These lovely people are it!
Soap Box Girl (on vacation, but we can't wait for her to come back!)
Cara
Healthy Pear (where did you go? we miss you!)
Bionic Woman

the sugar cookie diaries...

2007-11-19T07:10:00.000-08:00

yea, remember when i said my goal was 3 sugar cookies total? hmm. that didn't quite happen. i ate 9 cookies total over 4 days.

is that a lot?

ok, just kidding, i know it's a lot. too many, actually. BUT...it's much much much better than past sugar cookie episodes where i've eaten 9 in one sitting....followed by another 9 a few hours later. i was very proud of myself and gave away about 3 doz. of the ones that were left over and then i threw away the remaining cookies.

even though i ate way way way too many cookies, i didn't really eat much else...so i stayed within my points. i even walked for an hour yesterday. no brother=best dieting secret ever.

and...guess what? i weighed myself yesterday and the scale said 170.4! (lowest weight since starting blog). it might be water weight, it might be a fluke, but i really don't care. i'll take it!

(maybe i can actually reach my christmas goal...)

Points report part 2

2007-11-18T18:37:00.000-08:00

OK, I probably ate more than I should have, but my points estimate comes in at 28 for today, using 8 flex points leaving 20 for the rest of the week. I think I can keep all of those until Thursday...

Lately, I'd been feeling pretty good about how I look shapewise. I think that was contributing to last week's "I'm tired of this" whine session. Then yesterday I saw myself naked in the mirror. Let's just say, that burst my bubble, and has made me recommit to losing a few more pounds. It also makes me appreciate my clothes that much more.

Points report part 1

2007-11-18T06:14:00.000-08:00

My weekend has been nice and relaxed, though I haven't been able to pack in any exercise. I've been diligent about the eating though since I'm going up to a friend's house in VT for T-day, and I suspect I'll be eating a lot. My goal is to have 20 flex points for Thursday, since exercise is also not an option that day. So far this weekend, I've had just 7 flex points (that's really low for me) but I'm going to a friend's tonight for dinner and we are having "Chinese takeout". I've actually never had "Chinese takeout" before (I generally hate American Chinese food...icky) so I've never looked up the calories or fat, but I suspect I won't like what I see. Hrm. Well, I guess I'll eat a bit before and do my best to make conversation so people won't notice that I'm not eating very much. Anyway, as long as I keep it under 8 flex points, I'm good...

Two in a row

2007-11-16T13:17:00.000-08:00

For the first time ever, I am exactly the same weight as I was last week. crazy! that never ever ever happens to me...i am usually all over the place. so, 174.6 it is again. i guess that is better than a gain!

i will be making approximately 48 sugar cookies today. i am a little scared, i have to say. my track record with cookies is just not good. so, i am trying to develop some will power before 8 pm....i think i will say i can have 3 total between today and tomorrow...but no more. too bad my sugar cookie recipe isn't gross--otherwise, this would be easy!

have a great weekend everyone!

Skepticism...and Motivation

2007-11-16T04:52:00.000-08:00

I'm chuckling over my am steel cut oats because I've 2 pounds since Monday (1.5 pounds since I left for my food0fest odyssey). I should be really happy, but I'm quite skeptical. Sure, I ate well (um, ignoring those two free cookies from yesterday which were so not worth it - note to self) and exercised a bit. But I am waiting for the gain from all of those cakes and stuff. Anyway, we'll see if it catches up with me next week. For now, this little bit of weight loss is just I needed in the motivation department, which has gotten a little pathetic lately.

Oh, I tried on my progress pants last night - they look good from the front and the back but from the sides, the pockets still pull apart.

Sorry I've been a bad blogger this week - I'll be better next week. Promise.

Have good weekends everyone!

mini post

2007-11-14T07:06:00.000-08:00

sorry i've been an absentee blogger this week...just wanted to drop by and say that things here are going fine...actually, they're going pretty well. i seem to have found a groove with the eating and exercise thing...no brother is a huge help in the dieting realm...i've been staying on track calorie wise and i've been walking on my treadmill between 30-60 minutes every day. now if i can just keep doing this...!

ummm...i'll be back later with something more interesting to say...

Soooo tired...

2007-11-13T17:50:00.001-08:00

I'm so tired of dieting. I'd like to just turn that part of my brain off, but I can't. History shows me that when I turn that off, I gain weight. Pre-blog days, feeling this way would lead to quitting, so I have to thank you all for helping me stay motivated.

today: ate 25, exercised 5, flex left 10.

Things I ate...and the one thing I didn't but should have

2007-11-12T16:34:00.000-08:00

I just ate my way through Central Europe (well, just parts of the Czech Republic and Austria). I am baffled about how the people there are so skinny - all this stuff we hear over in America about how in other countries people eat healthier and restaurants serve smaller portions is a huge lie*. Veggies in the Czech Rep. looked terrible, so I don't blame them for just eating meat, gravy, and bread dumplings. And in Austria, it is all pastries all the time, with a side of very large wiener schnitzels and sausages. (I suppose people must eat like birds when they eat at home to compensate.) And I don't think the locals can walk all of these extra calories off - their public transportation is so good there (and stops seemingly every 10 feet). Like I said this morning, I was eating about 40 points per day, and said yes to just about everything I came across that looked tasty. Luckily, I hate beer and wine, so that gave me a few extra calories (and cash) to spend on coffee and pastries. On days that I didn't walk all day long (conference days) - I usually made up for the pastries by having just soup for dinner.

*may not be statistically significant

Things I didn't eat but should have (Meg, you'll kill me, but I didn't get back to the store):

(that's right, this list is very short.)

Things I ate and maybe shouldn't have (obviously, some of the plates are for the boy - you think I'm a pig or something? ahaha):

Um, this was really tasty - included gingerbread dumplings.

This was also tasty, though not worth the calories - thei big offender here was the ginormous fried potato pancakes that is wrapped around the meat. I didn't eat much of it. I kept thinking of that Simpsons episode when Dr. Nick tells Homer how to rub food in paper to see if its transparent...

Vienna was crazy delicious and chocolatey. I didn't the whole case, but I did get one of the chestnut chocolate confections, which were the in-season thing while I was there.

This sausage was the first of many. It would have been impossible, in term of time and money, to eat healthy while on the road like this. At least the sausage is tasty.

The famous Sacher torte with the Vienese "melange" coffee.

Hot chestnuts - sooo good.

I only ordered Wiener Schnitzel once...and they gave me two ENORMOUS pieces. I ate about 1/2 of one piece.

The Linzer torte.

That's right ladies - that whole pastry is covered in chocolate. Hello. The other has a poppyseed filling.

Our last desserts before coming home. The pic is not good, but the desserts were :)

Today: Ate 19 so far, exercised 2, flex left 10. I may use a few of the extra points for a hot chocolate. These pictures make me crave sweets. Whoops.

Damage control

2007-11-12T09:19:00.000-08:00

I missed the blog world while I was away! I have a lot of catch up to do reading all of your blogs. I got back last night and am now in full force damage control. I estimate that I was eating about 40 points per day while I was away, which was fine most of the time when I was walking all day long, but during the conference, it was not so fine. Water consumption was a problem (bathrooms are hard to find, and cost money). So this week, I'll be back on the treadmil and the pilates mat, drinking a ton of water, and will limit my flex points to 10 for the next 4 days until I start as normal again on Friday. I took a ton of food pictures, so I'll be posting again tonight. But the quick summary is that I left like Homer in chocolate land. It was wonderful and horrible, all at the same time :) Oh, and the scale last night and this morning is telling me I weigh 141, so that's a .5 lb gain from when I left. I'm not really sure how to judge that (you know: long flight, salty foods, is my huge gain going to come next week) but for now, I'll gladly take it.

real progress!

2007-11-09T07:07:00.000-08:00

i finally broke the 175 barrier! this week i'm 174.6. i can't even remember what i was last week...176-something. anyway, i'm very excited.

no brother in la casa...so far so good! i am cookie-free. however, i do need to work on eating fewer carbs (particularly kashi granola bars and fiber one bars...) and get back to vegetables. that is always the first "new habit" that i lose. and more water, and more exercise...but, for now, i'm just happy to see a number w/ a 4 in it!

play the accordion...lose weight!

2007-11-07T18:03:00.000-08:00

i just checked out this site and had loads of fun finding out how many calories per hour i burn doing things like...

walking (238)

changing a lightbulb (26)

listening to music (79)

washing my hands (3)

getting dressed (26)

and best of all, i found out that the instrument i play burns 159 calories per hour! (no, it is not the accordion!) that means that on my mega-long teaching days when i play between 3-5 hours, i burn lotsa calories! who knew? (i'm totally going to tell some of my adult students about this...maybe it will motivate them to practice...haha)

check it out!

monday? already?

2007-11-05T23:00:00.000-08:00

soooo...let's see here...how about a mini-update in bullet-format?

*another successful episode of beat-the-crafty-table on saturday! i even managed to avoid eating pizza during a long night of filming...when it was like 40 degrees outside and i had no coat and really really wanted something warm. i did however have 1 breadstick. not too shabby.

*"accidentally" ate 2 snickerdoodles though that were in my brother's car (ha ha, that sounds weird...but they were fresh--not like under the seat or something!)..and had a few of the bro's choc. chip cookies that have been all over the house lately...but, i did count them all.

*managed to almost use all my flex points in a granola bar attack. oops. seriously, don't know what my problem was. i just couldn't get enough of those kashi chewy trail mix bars...

*staying motivated w/ exercise...have walked on treadmill every day (or night) for about a week.

*brother leaves for china tomorrow. no more cookies! yahoo!

ok...that's all for tonight...sorry i've been a bad blogger lately--i have been reading all of yours but keep running out of time to comment!

Fluctuate

2007-11-02T07:52:00.000-07:00

yea...i think i should change the name of the blog to "fluctuate"...that seems to be more accurate than "skinnify"...well, at least for me!

i am down this week, but still not to the pre-birthday 175. last week i was 177 on wednesday.. and 178.6 on friday... and this friday i'm 176.2. though i am happy to apparently have lost like 2 lbs, i don't get it. i'll say it again and again. numbers just don't make sense.

well anyway...i feel like i'm on a roll with the diet and exercise thing this week, so i'll just keep doing what i'm doing. i seem to have found the right combination of enough stress to keep me busy and away from the cupboard (but not enough to turn me into a cookie monster), willpower, and motivation to exercise...now if i can just keep going this way. experience has shown that this is the danger zone for me...i tend to start thinking i can get away with things as soon as i see a loss and then boom--back to where i started.

random side note: last night one of my students moms told me she's lost 65 lbs. (she looks great--when i first met her she was over 300 lbs.) she said this is the first time she's been under 300 lbs in 16 years. wow. i am so totally impressed. people like that inspire me.

Walking at Midnight...

2007-11-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

i've relapsed a bit and am back to my night owl ways...

i generally prefer to exercise in the mornings, but lately, i just can't get up and running early enough to get it done first thing. my brother and i have often talked about how we need to invent some type of catapault device that will launch us out of bed in the morning...i really wish i was more of a morning person and got up at 5 or 6 am. but alas, it seems that after brief flirtations with being a morning person, i always return to my night owl ways.

anyway. instead of just giving up on walking if i don't get it done in the morning, i've started walking in the middle of the night. (cue that billy joel song...) oh, i should mention i walk on a treadmill. not out in the streets or anything.

i'm not sure if it's the greatest idea, as i'm sure it goes against some type of health guideline somewhere...but i feel better when i exercise regardless of the hour of the day.

how about you? when do you like to exercise?

Victory!

2007-10-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

i officially declare today as VICTORY OVER THE CRAFTY TABLE DAY!

for those who haven't been reading from day one...i work with my brother in the film industry (sometimes)...it's one of my several random "jobs"...anyway, this summer we filmed a movie over a period of about a month and i gained approx. 15 lbs from the craft services table (aka "the crafty"...as it's known in the biz). the crafty is usually stockpiled with insane quantities of snack food-- treats, bagels, candy, cookies, donuts, soda, juice, chips, crackers...basically anything to keep the movie crew and actors happy and caffeinated.

crafty tables and i have a bad history. the first movie we shot (2004) i gained about 10 lbs...then lost most of that. the second movie we shot (2005) i gained about 10 lbs which i've never been able to get rid of...and then this movie (#3) i gained another 15 lbs..which i'm now trying to get rid of.

typically, i just lose all self control in the face of crafty. when i think back to this summer and my bad bad swedish fish+bagels+red vines+cookies+donuts crafty-binges it seems like a miracle that i didn't gain 50 lbs. no seriously. if anyone has ever been on a movie set, you know how much waiting around you do...you scurry to get something done, and then you sit and wait, sometimes for 3, 4, 5, 6 hours...but you can't leave. there's nothing to do..you're stressed, tired and grouchy and bored. and everyone hangs out at the crafty and eats and gabs. and then lo and behold, you gained 25 lbs. without even trying. and you develop a nasty sugar habit that is really really hard to break.

WELL. anyway. today we had to shoot some stuff that we didn't get during the summer...so, i was confronted with my arch-nemesis again.

but this time i won!

i didn't eat any of the cookies, no crackers, i didn't eat the fries that came with lunch and i exercised incredible restraint and only had 1 (!) almond joy mini candy bar. 1 people. just one. i couldn't believe it. i have never had just one of anything candy-related. ever. i came prepared with my kashi granola bars for snacks and i just didn't eat everytime i got bored. miracle. it's like an out-of-body experience or something.

really, truthfully, i didn't think i had it in me. but, i'm glad i proved myself wrong.

so...all told i have 24 flex left for the week...not too shabby.

ok, enough bragging.

Happy Birthday Bri!!!!!

2007-10-28T16:07:00.001-07:00

BRI is the BIRTHDAY GIRL!!!!!

Happy Birthday!!! I hope you are having a fabulous time in Europe... and eating some sort of yummy pastry (with a candle in it) and doing something fun!!

up up and away

2007-10-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

I gained .5 lbs this week. boo-urns. I have too many other things to worry about than my weight though, so...whatever. Luckily, my scale and I won't be seeing each other for a few weeks. I'll be back mid-Nov. Until then, Meg is going to hold down the fort. And I'll do my best to resist going overboard on the lovely foods I run across. Austrian pasties are yucky, right? Anyway, have a good couple weeks - I'll have to catch up on everyone's blogs when I get back.

Save the fishies!

2007-10-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

A post by HotThickChick today reminded me that I keep forgetting to post about the seafood watch list. If you eat seafood, you should take a look - the list helps you see what foods are best for the environment and sustainability, and which are the best for you. They have regional guides that print out to fit in your wallet. Ever since seeing the list two years ago, I've been trying to behave myself...I find it easy to follow except for the shrimp - domestic only? That's rough. Even Whole Foods only sells two kinds of U.S. shrimp and I don't like either. Boo. (I got blinky here)

Confession

2007-10-25T16:31:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. Yesterday I went over my flex points. You see, I am cleaning out the fridge, and we had these meatballs (Ikea, so yummy and fatty) in the freezer to eat up, so I had some. Then I went to TJ's to get snacks for the cat sitters. Then we decided we should sample some of the snacks, because the sitters will be more likely to eat from an open package. S-M-R-T. So, I kinda stopped counting.

Then today, I just kind of gave up. I didn't do anything horrible. But I did decide that I needed a caramel macchiato and an espresso brownie from Starbucks. bad bad Bri. Lesson? Don't ever allow myself to go over flex points, because I can't control it after that. Thankfully, I reset tomorrow. I was trying to decide if I should count while I'm in Europe or not, but I think I have my answer. MUST...ALWAYS...COUNT.

chugging along...slowly

2007-10-25T08:40:00.001-07:00

hello, all. sorry i've been mia this week too...though i'm not nearly as busy as bri, i somehow keep finding that it's suddenly 1am and i don't know where the day went!

anyway, i'm still here...plodding along. i weighed myself yesterday and was 1 lb less than last friday. yay. hopefully it will be a little less tomorrow. it's amazing that you can gain 3 lbs. in one week so easily, and then it takes for-freaking-ever to lose it. rahh. i could never be an actress an have to gain/lose weight for roles. well, i could gain it no problem, but losing it again would suck. i don't know how they do it.

so...the seasons are changing here and therefore so is my wardrobe. and i'm coming to the realization (again) that i really have gained some weight since last winter..since none of my trusty black pants or favorite winter/fall skirts seem to look as good as i remember them...you see, i've never been a scale person. i never even had a scale until i started this blog! i'm fairly muscular and i have a slightly larger frame, so numbers just never seem to make sense to me (and they still don't). i've always felt like the numbers on the scale don't make sense with my pants/clothes sizes... so even when i was "skinny", i don't really know how much i weighed. part of the mental challenge of losing weight this time is i don't really know what i'm aiming for. i'm pretty sure i was around 165 last winter...and i have a feeling that my skinniest adult weight (in 2005) was somewhere around 155-160. is 145 even realistic for me? who knows.

the other frustrating thing is that even when i do lose weight, the clothing numbers don't really change--they just look better. even when i was "skinny" in 2005, i was still a 12 or a 32...granted, i can't wear those same 32's in public right now...but still--sometimes i feel like ok, even if i do make all these radical changes and get skinny, i'm still going to be the biggest size on the rack just because that's my frame. rahh. so, part of me hates the scale, but then in a lot of ways, that's really the only concrete way to measure my progress.

anyway...those are my random thursday thoughts. what about you? any thoughts on scale vs. clothing sizes?

goals for today:
20 min walking after pilates
journal everything
water. why is it so hard to drink water?

Going up

2007-10-24T04:54:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been a little MIA this week. You haven't been missing anything interesting over here. I've been eating as well as can be excepted during conference/too much work mode. And exercise? Um, no. Though I consider walking around all day in heels a workout in and of itself (don't be fooled ladies, even dansko heels are painful). My weight is still climbing, which is a real bummer. I was expecting it just stay put for a while. But I'm not that alarmed...I can tell that I feel thinner because I keep wanting to go shopping he he he. I have 3 flex points left for the next two days, so it's going to be a little rough, because I won't have the time to exercise.

life after 10/20...

2007-10-22T21:22:00.000-07:00

ahhh...i am so so so so so glad that october 20 is over. you see, most of my students have been preparing for this oct. 20 concert since july...it was a concert where 3000 kids (nope, not a typo. there were actually 3000 kids) played a concert together and everyone had to have their parts 100% memorized. and we teachers had to keep these 3000 kids from going bezerk during the 2.5 hour concert and all of the bajillion rehearsals. (lucky me, i got to be in charge of the 3.5-6 year olds for my instrument!!) anyway, i've been looking forward to 10/21 for a really long time. now i'm ready for all my students to move on to something new. and for some reason, it feels like a mini-spring to me. like a fresh start. and i think it's transferring over to the weight-loss exercise facet of life too...

anyway, i've been doing ok at the eating thing. being out of the house from 6 am-midnight on saturday really seems to do the trick. i managed to make it through the weekend with 20 flex left. i exercised today and still have 3 points left. maybe it is just the enormous weight that has been lifted from my shoulders from the concert being over, but i'm feeling oddly positive about trying to lose weight...i dunno, but i hope it sticks around.

goals for tomorrow:
walk 20 min after pilates
write down everything i eat
water. must drink water.