big ideas

this is a really, really, really great article. (by Michael Pollan, in the NY Times)

Here is the last line of the article, a quote from Harry Balzer, a person who has been studying American eating habits for the last 30 years:

“Easy. You want Americans to eat less? I have the diet for you. It’s short, and it’s simple. Here’s my diet plan: Cook it yourself. That’s it. Eat anything you want — just as long as you’re willing to cook it yourself.”

hmm.

i wonder what would happen if i stopped eating packaged foods? just stopped, you know, entirely. i wonder a) if i could do it, and b) how my diet would change.

hmm.

last year, as you may recall, i stopped drinking diet coke. i was hoping that this would help me crave sugar less and that i would lose weight. wellll....it didn't quite happen that way. turns out i was using/abusing dc as a food-replacement device of sorts. whenever i felt like putting something in my mouth, i could reach for a dc and not be eating any calories...

so, quitting has caused me to gain weight...now whenever i feel like eating something, i usually reach for something carby. like granola bars. without the diet coke there as a zero-cal choice, i end up eating wayyy more than i used to. (i used to drink upwards of 6 bottles of dc a day.) (yikes) i still haven't found a low-calorie substitute for dc that isn't full of chemicals. i do drink tons more water than i used to, but water just doesn't have the ability to satisfy as diet coke did.

am i healthier? oh yes. for sure, without a doubt. (i am also richer. turns out i spent a massive chunk of change on my diet coke habit.)

around the same time, i also stopped buying things like 100 cal. packs and skinny cows, and any WW "food products" and decided to only eat 'real' food. but, i still eat 'real' food that comes in packages...(kashi granola bars, craisins, cereal, real ice cream, store-bought wheat bread etc.)

i believe this has also caused weight gain....you see, i am still very much a sweet tooth/carby person, and when i reach for something, i'm still not reaching for the veggies. so instead of reaching for a 100 cal pack or skinny cow, i reach for real ice cream. or a 200 cal granola bar. or 2 pieces of whole wheat toast, with real butter. less chemicals? yes. more calories? yes.

so, i'm thinking about possibly considering if i could get rid of all packaged foods/snacks...and only eat things that i make, or fresh vegs/fruits etc. would i eat less ice cream if it was ice cream that i made? maybe. i tend to ration items that are "special"...and homemade ice cream is more special than a 1/2 gallon that i could easily replace as soon as it's gone. same for homemade bread.

there is also the added bonus of knowing exactly what you put in whatever you are eating...the image of putting a whole container of heavy cream and 6 egg yolks did actually make me eat less of the last batch of homemade pear ice cream that i made. the same thing gave me the incentive to give away all but one of the last batch of choc. chip cookies that i made--seeing the 2.5 stick of butter going into the dough gave me more than a moments pause.

hmm...

i'm going to think about that for a few days.

ok, seriously

this whole "intuitive eating" concept still eludes me. it has been roughly 2 years since we started this blog...and i believe i am probably heavier than i was in fall 2007. actually, i know i am. the pants don't lie.

i've been putting off getting on the scale for...18 months? i hate the numbers game. but i am starting to think that maybe i need to. harumph.

i quit WW online awhile back because the points system was driving me nuts. but, now i'm starting to think i should go back...i need to journal and keep track of what goes in my mouth.

good news is, i've maintained whatever number i'm at for...18 months. i am still technically a 32 in jeans, and a size 12 dress/skirt/pants....but i find some of those 12's to be *very* squishy and constricting. (i.e. shouldn't be worn out of the house.) in fact, there is just 1 pair of jeans that i like wearing, and i have 6 skirts/pants that i feel comfy wearing. yikes. i'd just like to be able to pick up anything in my closet and put it on without worrying about muffin tops and other unsightly bulges.

rahh.

so. to weigh in, or not to weigh in? to WW or not to WW? those are the questions.

Status Update

pants: tight

motivation level: low

fear of bathing suit level: extremely high

laziness level: high


sigh. i went to san francisco and napa valley last week and had possibly the best food week of my entire life.

miette--check
the french laundry--check
bouchon--check
bouchon bakery--check check
chez panisse--check check

oh. my. gosh. i heart thomas keller and alice waters. to die for.

and now i am feeling the after-effects. and my mouth is craving baked goods and things made with lots and lots of delicious butter, and oil, and cream and...i digress.

so. time to get serious. yet again. i just feel so blah about the whole diet and exercise department lately. i'm sick of being a dieter, of thinking about calories and constantly feeling like i need to exercise more or eat less or something. boo.

Sigh

Oh, diligence.  Why have you let me down?  I have been eating well and logging everyday (except for one).  I feel good.  But I haven't lost any weight in weeks, in fact, I appear to have gained a few back.  I keep thinking that the weight was leftover from exercising (water retention, etc) but I'm now realizing that perhaps that was just wishful thinking.  I weighed 141 this morning.  URGH.  (even after 6 hours of xc skiing this weekend?  WTF?)

I suppose there is nothing for me to do but keep doing what I'm doing.  I eat different things, and don't eat the same number of calories every day, so I'm not really sure what the problem is.  Perhaps I'm just meant to be at this weight, so maybe I should just be content that my blood sugar feels right and accept my size for what it is?

oh, where have my boobs gone?

I suppose I should be happy. With proper eating and a bit of exercise, I feel in control, my blood sugar doesn't seem wonky anymore, and I've lost 5 pounds (placing me back in the 130s). But, I miss my boobs. Until yesterday, I didn't notice that seemingly all 5 lost pounds have come directly from my chest. And I really didn't have much there in the first place. Oh well. Onwards!

RAVE...and rant

RAVE!!! Love love love the "Lose It!" app for iPhones. Seriously, best "tool" for weight loss/nutrition/exercise I've ever seen. And it is free. Always with you. And doesn't even require internet access. I'm tracking for full nutrition because I'm getting increasingly worried about my diabetes risk (family history - some skinny relatives get it too!!!). When I used to do WW online, I thought it was good. But I'd never go back. This is a lot easier. And more complete. (Why pay for WW when you can put that $$ towards your iPhone's data plan?) I think it should work for the iPod Touch too, actually...

RAVE!!! The boy is being really nice - he walks 30 minutes in the cold at night even when he's hungry to walk me home (another 30 min in the cold) from the train station, helping me keep up with a part-of-life exercise plan. The treadmill just hasn't been working for me. I just never get on it. So that means I'm getting (except for bad weather, which isn't that unusual for New England) 1 hr of walking per day.

RAVE!!! Cross-country skiing. The boy is also to thank for this - he got us $5 (perfectly fitting) sets at a yard sale and we've been going out every weekend for ~2hr of skiing. Its also free. and fun. And burns soooooo many calories. I love it, and actually look forward to it snowing now.

RAVE!!! I weighed 141 this morning. That 3 lbs down so far. I have 13 more to go.

Rant - OK, so not everything is peachy. I've been stuggling with mini pity-parties. My friends and work colleagues are all (seemingly effortlessly) skinny. Even those women who have had babies (and twins!). I keep feeling sorry for myself that it isn't that easy for me. And that I have to worry about a top showing my love handles, whether those pants are too small in the thighs, or if my blood sugar is going to tank today. And I feel like I'm the only in my local world. I know I just need to get over it, and accept it as something I need to work on and "accept" forever, but...waaaaahhhhhh.

a horrible cold really is the best diet ever

so the cold that i mentioned way back in december really did turn out to be the catalyst i needed!

for me it usually takes about 3-5 days of not-ridiculous eating to break the cycle. not being able to taste anything for a few weeks was just what i needed to remind myself that i don't need to be eating all the time.

funny how that works.

anyway, i've just been trying to keep eating a reasonable amount of food...i'm exercising...but not counting calories or weighing in. but i am seeing results--jeans are much looser and shirts that were super tight last month are starting to fit.

so, i'm just going to keep doing this for awhile. i like not counting and not feeling like i'm on a diet. and i do feel like i'm in control. diets seem to make me kinda go crazy.

that is all. (for now)

Returned

I have returned. I missed blogging for the past, errr, 8 months or so. (has it really been that long). During those 8 months, I finished school, wrote a few papers (well, I'm still writing those papers...), started a new job, worked CRAZY hours, and gained a few pounds. Miraculously, it was only a few pounds. I've been weighing in at 144 for the past few weeks.

I haven't been exercising, and I can tell I'm not fit or strong. Let's just say that I'm so out of shape that I can feel my blood sugar going out of whack (I had the same feeling when I weighed almost 170 a few years ago) and I have trouble lifting heavy pots with one hand in the kitchen. Pathetic.

So I have returned to Skinnify. I am counting calories with the free Lose It app on my phone. And I am committed to walking to and from the train station (total 1 hr per day) unless there are extreme conditions out. The boy will walk to the train station at night to walk me home! I am also going to step up the pilates to make it routine...and am thinking about asking friends if they want to make dates of it to keep us honest.

This time, I'm really doing it to stay healthy. I don't want to get diabetes. So I need to fix this is a way that is sustainable. It was about time for me to recommit...and I feel really dorky that I'm doing it around New Years...

***quick update: have lost a few pounds already. its surely water weight, but its enough to keep me going. the "Lose It!" app has a corny name, but works very well - i have no excuse not to log because I can do it during my commute... My body seems to be slowly adjusting to eating a bit less. (The first few days on cut calories were pretty harsh.) I'm still having trouble with exercise because of the weather, but I'll keep trying. onwards!

horrible cold=best diet ever

ok, just kidding.

but seriously, not being able to taste anything makes not eating more than i should cake. and funny how when i'm sick i all of a sudden only eat things that are good for me and just stop eating when i feel full...such a difficult concept most of the time.

maybe i should get my tastebuds removed permanently.

...i will however, be glad when i can start walking (anywhere) without hacking. and i will also be glad to have my voice back in its normal register instead of about 2 octaves lower than my brother.

bob wiley vs. superwoman

"the simplest way to put it is, i have problems...dizzy spells, nausea, cold sweats, hot sweats, difficulty swallowing, blurred vision, involuntary trembling, dead hands, numb lips, fingernail sensitivity, pelvic discomfort."


on monday this week, i woke up with the worst neck/back pain i have had in about 5 years. i don't know what i did exactly, but i haven't been able to turn my head either way for the past few days, despite several visits to the chiropractor, the massage therapist, physical therapist and handfuls and handfuls of advil etc. etc. aside from being just generally inconvenient, i am mostly ticked because after thanksgiving last week, i started being good about walking again. but this neck thing makes the treadmill impossible, and it pretty much just hurts to move. i also had to miss both of my pilates classes this week. boo.

urrgh. it's always something. i just get annoyed w/ myself because, especially as it relates to exercise, there are many, many times that i feel willing and motivated to exercise, but something else (like a bum knee, bad back, migraine headache, allergies etc.) gets in the way.

or in other words, i feel like i'm bob wiley. only with real symptoms...

i guess i inherited my mom's somewhat fragile physiology, much to my chagrin. i'm just still in denial that i am, in fact, HIGH MAINTENANCE. instead, i like to pretend that i'm superwoman. (please, anything but bob wiley!) i hate feeling fragile. i hate having to take the time to go to all of the various appointments that my body apparently requires just to maintain basic function. it's annoying. it's not "me." i hate being one of "those" kind of people... and sometimes i get a little careless, or rebellious or pretend that all of my "ailments" don't really exist. like last week, i skipped my weekly massage to save a few $$, i didn't go to pilates, i didn't stretch at night like i know i need to, and i spent wayyy too much time on the couch which always causes huge neck/headache issues for me. dumb, right?

so, it's time to be a grownup and deal with reality. it's time to accept that i am, in fact, HIGH MAINTENANCE. and unfortunately, reality for me is that skipping a massage or sitting on the couch too long will cause problems. problems that prevent me from exercising...or even moving normally.

funny too, that the times in my life that i've been most focused on just general/overall total-body health/wellness--not being skinny or trying to avoid dealing w/ "ailments"--were the times that i was magically the skinniest. connection? hmm.

"i feel good, i feel great, i feel wonderful. i feel good, i feel great, i feel wonderful..."

oh, and p.s., if you didn't grow up in a family that watched "What About Bob?" every week for about 10 years like i did, that is where these ridiculous quotes come from.

process vs. results

so, i was flipping through channels the other day, while on the treadmill (yay!) and happened upon a sound bite that got me thinking...(i have no idea what the people were talking about)

anyway, one of the commentators said that our culture tends to be focused on results instead of process. and when people are trying to make changes in their lives, focusing just on results is one of the worst things you can do.

interesting.

i think that is at least part of my problem. i focus way way way too much on that size i wish i were, or the magic number on the scale...the ever elusive "someday when i'm skinny." and at least for me, focusing on results makes me depressed, anxious and impatient. i want results NOW. no, actually i want results YESTERDAY. and i'd rather they just magically happen instead of requiring actual work.

so, whoever it was that i saw on the tv was talking about having a destination in mind, but focusing on the process instead of the destination.

for me, i think that means focusing on what i'm doing every day instead of constantly thinking about "when i'm skinny" and wondering why i'm not there yet. so that's what i've been working on for the past few days. more walking, less snacking, smaller portions, more water. you know, the basics.

and thinking back to 04-05 when i was actually much skinnier than i am now...i'm pretty sure that's how i got there then. i wasn't counting points, i wasn't weighing myself, i wasn't even trying to lose weight. i just was involved with lots of other exciting projects and discovered yoga and was eating healthier because it felt good. hmm.

so, i think i'm going to not weigh myself. resurrect the daily cardio/pilates abs routine. keep eating healthy foods, stop snacking when i'm not really hungry. eat less, move more. and hopefully in the process, get back into my old jeans again.

It, I am

i think i was tagged by thickchick about...umm...a week ago. (sorry, things have been a little crazy here at mi casa) so, here is everything you wanted to know about me:

10 years ago (1998):
1. i started my freshman year of college.
2. was obsessed with abercrombie and fitch jeans. (?!)
3. struggled through my first semester of college music theory. ouch.
4. routinely went to bed between 2-4 am, and took a 4-hour nap in the afternoon.
5. thought i was very busy and grown up, but in fact was not

5 things to do today:
1. errands: post office, bank, groceries etc.
2. start pillowcase sewing project
3. come to terms with my basement...ugh
4. laundry
5. phonecalls i've been putting off for awhile

5 jobs i've had:
1. file clerk for medical office
2. data entry for medical office
3. floral designer
4. production designer
5. freelance musician/music teacher

5 things i'd do if i had millions:
1. hire a personal chef and housekeeper
2. pay off debts of everyone i know/love
3. start a childrens music program in an underprivileged neighborhood
4. travel
5. start a foundation for finishing funds for indie filmmakers

i tag...oh i don't know. is there anyone who hasn't done this yet?

another birthday (cake) down the drain

yep. i'm 29. the birthday i've been dreading for the past 365 days has come and gone. surprisingly, i'm not really depressed like i thought i might be. although now i'm gearing up for the really big birthday that comes after 29. ugh.

i did a bit of birthday celebrating...but mostly kept things in control. i use the word "mostly" very liberally.

i was given a carrot cake (w/ cream cheese frosting), which is like meg-kryptonite. luckily, in a moment of clarity and willpower, i threw about 3/4 of the cake down the disposal. (see above pic for evidence)

i was contemplating announcing that i will attempt to lose 30 lbs. by the time i turn 30. that gives me about 362 days. doable? probably. i'm just having trouble mustering up any sort of zeal in the weight-loss department. hmm. maybe i'll just settle for 3.0 lbs by the time i turn 30. ok ok, i'm kidding.

i should probably weigh myself, but i really don't want to. i can't decide whether i should join weight watchers again. mostly, pants and shirts that were feeling tight a few weeks/months ago feel a little looser. (emphasis on little) i know i really need to step things up if i really want to lose. the question is...how? motivation, where art thou?

fashion + fitness

a few years ago i was a bit obsessed with clothes. and by a bit, i mean really obsessed with clothes. when i was in school, i was all about wearing something cute every single day.

fast forward to now.

i work from home, and i teach kids. so not only are my cute dressy outfits not appreciated, they aren't practical. over the last 5 years since i graduated and started teaching in my studio at home, my wardrobe has become significantly less interesting. it has devolved into what is now known by friends and family as "the uniform."

"the uniform" is a pair of paige robertson jeans (32), a black v-neck t shirt, some colored tank top underneath and a 3/4 sleeve black sweater. i own nearly 20 black v-neck t shirts (!) and 6 3/4 sleeve black sweaters, and 4 pairs of jeans in various washes.

for the past year or so, i've just kind of stopped caring about what i wear. which is nice...sort of. it has saved some money, i don't have to worry about what to wear. i don't spend all morning trying on everything i own to come up with a new outfit. no more depression-inducing jeans-buying trips because, hey, i've found the perfect jeans and they always fit in size 32. black t-shirts don't get dirty easily. the 3/4 sleeve sweater makes me look a little bit more "put together" than just a t-shirt. it's easy. no thought involved whatsoever.

but i think all of the black t-shirts have really taken a toll on my weight loss efforts. see, they just do too good of a job of concealing any unsightly rolls...which i am noticing all over my thorax.

plus, i'm bored. i notice that when i get dressed up for something and actually put thought into my clothes, i'm happier. and for me happier=less likely to eat.

so, here's the plan. i'm getting re-obsessed with fashion.

i am going to:
1. try and wear a colored shirt (other than black) every other day. (baby steps)
2. go shopping and try stuff on, even if i don't buy because it's wayyy too easy to get complacent when the only jeans you have to fit into are the ones you've been wearing everyday for 9 months.
3. shop my own closet. there's some great stuff in there...which hasn't seen the light of day for awhile... because it can't be worn in public due to severe muffin top issues.

in other news, i've been on the treadmill every day for about a week. still trying the "real foods" thing. still addicted to craisins, which seriously taste like candy, but i can somehow magically stop eating them.

progress!

at the beginning of the summer i bought a skirt at gap without trying it on. (size 12) (silly me, just assumed it would fit.) well, said skirt did not fit, so it's been sitting in the closet since june just waiting for me to get my act together.

i wore it yesterday.

yay!

in other news...i broke up with WW online. i haven't used it in months and figured i could use the $16.95/month for something else. i feel like i need a break from the points system. it was driving me berzerk. i've quit and signed up again like a bajillion times, but for now i feel good about not doing it.

i've been working on eating more 'real' foods...i've stopped baking cookies and muffins every other day (you think that could be part of my problem??!!)...i'm back to treadmilling regularly...i've stopped weighing myself...i've started eating salads instead of the pizza that my brother orders every other day (literally)...i've become a big fan of oatmeal, apples, almonds and yogurt. (not together, but maybe that wouldn't be too bad...)

i read "the quest for peace, love and the 24in waist" by deborah low. highly recommend it. i'm going to read it again. a lot of it is kinda touchy-feely, love your body kind of stuff, which i usually really hate...but i'm beginning to think that maybe that really is the problem.

i think the next goal is getting back into my 2005 jeans. maybe i'll post pics. but for now, i think i might be done w/ the numbers games. we'll see. i seem to change my mind a lot...

you know it's time to get back on track when...

...your four year old student asks

"are you having a baby?"

back to the treadmill i go.

100 calories of yum

new favorite snack. i looooove craisins, but can't ever seem to stop eating them. these help a lot.

happy anniversary (a little late)

i was just thinking..."hmm...i think bri and i started the blog around this time last year..." so i checked the archives, and we did. aug 1, 2007.

holy crap.

what happened to this year??? it has flown by. unfortunately, the pounds have not been flying off of me. i think i was looking for another magic answer when we started this. turns out its not a magic answer...but it is a great accountability tool, and a great forum for venting frustrations and sharing ideas. most of all, it is great to meet other people out there who deal with the same struggles. i had no idea the blogging world could be so supportive. (thanks guys!)

as for me... i'm slowly getting back on the exercise wagon. i've been back on the treadmill 2 days in a row. my eating is still all over the place though. i'm reading a book called "The quest for Peace, Love and a 24 inch Waist" suggested to me by my good friend katieo. so far it has raised some interesting points. i'll let you know how it goes.

just a quick post...

to say that i baked cupcakes AND chocolate chip cookies for a party for my students, and i only had 1 of each.

normally, i would have eaten like...11 of each.

and then i gave away all the leftovers.

(and this is a major victory because it was the *magnolia cupcake* recipe and the *extremely-evil* ny times choc. chip cookie recipe...!)

i won't post links to the recipes because that would be too mean. i credit the magnolia cupcakes with igniting the two-year-sugar-fest that i'm trying to end. and the ny times recipe? it's amazing. and evil.

life in my post-diet coke world

i haven't had a diet coke since may. nope, not even one. and i've had nothing but positive results. here's the scoop:

- i am saving between $20-25 a week. (yes, i really did drink that much diet coke. i know. gross)

- i have noticed a huge reduction in mood swings. even my brother has noticed--"wow, you're not cranky anymore all the time."

- i've also noticed a huge reduction in headaches. i used to have one..um..just about everyday. not anymore.

- i have more energy. i used to feel tired all the time--no matter how much dc i drank. i feel so much more awake now that i have in years.

- and here's the BIG one: my hair is getting thicker!

for years--since i was about 15-16, i've had problems with my hair falling out. most of my friends probably didn't really know, since it's not something that i ever talked about (i was super super self-conscious about it), and i did a pretty good job of hiding it. but i haven't been able to wear my hair down w/o clips or bobby pins or something since i was about 14. anyway, i've had my thyroid checked a gazillion times, all kinds of other blood work done and no one could ever figure out what the problem was. i've tried a bajillion different shampoos and other topical treatments, some kind of worked, some didn't...but my hair just kept falling out. usually the dermatologist would be like, "well, it looks like you got the genetic shaft. talk to your hair stylist about how to cover it up." so, that's what i've been doing since i was about 15...lots of highlights and clever hairstyles so that no one could see. i had pretty much resigned myself to just having thin hair. sucky, right? but there are worse things in life, so i just stopped caring. the only time it really upset me was when i would go to get a haircut with a new stylist who didn't know that i was part-bald. i hated, dreaded getting my hair done and the inevitable questions and suggestions that i should get my thyroid checked or try rogaine.

anyway, long story short, i got my hair cut a few weeks ago and my stylist (who i've been going to for over a year) was like "holy cow, you have twice as much hair as you used to! all these bald spots are starting to grow in. what have you been doing?"

i think it was the diet coke. for real.

i've never believed any of the crazy "diet coke ruined my life" stuff that you read on the internet, but i really truly believe that diet coke made my hair fall out. i started drinking it a lot around age 15-16, which is when i started to have the hair problems. and it seems as my consumption increased, so did the hair loss. i've read several other people's "stories" about diet coke, and have seen other people mention it too....i know, sounds completely crazy. and i don't think that diet coke will make everyone's hair fall out--i know tons of people with super thick hair who drink it. but for whatever reason, not drinking diet coke has made a HUGE difference in my i-dont-have-any-hair-and-i-want-to-die problem.

too much information? maybe. but, i know for me i've felt self-conscious about hair loss for years and felt like i was the only one who was dealing with it (especially at a young age!). so, for whatever it's worth, that's my story.

and now i'm off to drink a big glass of water...

image from here