bob wiley vs. superwoman

"the simplest way to put it is, i have problems...dizzy spells, nausea, cold sweats, hot sweats, difficulty swallowing, blurred vision, involuntary trembling, dead hands, numb lips, fingernail sensitivity, pelvic discomfort."


on monday this week, i woke up with the worst neck/back pain i have had in about 5 years. i don't know what i did exactly, but i haven't been able to turn my head either way for the past few days, despite several visits to the chiropractor, the massage therapist, physical therapist and handfuls and handfuls of advil etc. etc. aside from being just generally inconvenient, i am mostly ticked because after thanksgiving last week, i started being good about walking again. but this neck thing makes the treadmill impossible, and it pretty much just hurts to move. i also had to miss both of my pilates classes this week. boo.

urrgh. it's always something. i just get annoyed w/ myself because, especially as it relates to exercise, there are many, many times that i feel willing and motivated to exercise, but something else (like a bum knee, bad back, migraine headache, allergies etc.) gets in the way.

or in other words, i feel like i'm bob wiley. only with real symptoms...

i guess i inherited my mom's somewhat fragile physiology, much to my chagrin. i'm just still in denial that i am, in fact, HIGH MAINTENANCE. instead, i like to pretend that i'm superwoman. (please, anything but bob wiley!) i hate feeling fragile. i hate having to take the time to go to all of the various appointments that my body apparently requires just to maintain basic function. it's annoying. it's not "me." i hate being one of "those" kind of people... and sometimes i get a little careless, or rebellious or pretend that all of my "ailments" don't really exist. like last week, i skipped my weekly massage to save a few $$, i didn't go to pilates, i didn't stretch at night like i know i need to, and i spent wayyy too much time on the couch which always causes huge neck/headache issues for me. dumb, right?

so, it's time to be a grownup and deal with reality. it's time to accept that i am, in fact, HIGH MAINTENANCE. and unfortunately, reality for me is that skipping a massage or sitting on the couch too long will cause problems. problems that prevent me from exercising...or even moving normally.

funny too, that the times in my life that i've been most focused on just general/overall total-body health/wellness--not being skinny or trying to avoid dealing w/ "ailments"--were the times that i was magically the skinniest. connection? hmm.

"i feel good, i feel great, i feel wonderful. i feel good, i feel great, i feel wonderful..."

oh, and p.s., if you didn't grow up in a family that watched "What About Bob?" every week for about 10 years like i did, that is where these ridiculous quotes come from.

process vs. results

so, i was flipping through channels the other day, while on the treadmill (yay!) and happened upon a sound bite that got me thinking...(i have no idea what the people were talking about)

anyway, one of the commentators said that our culture tends to be focused on results instead of process. and when people are trying to make changes in their lives, focusing just on results is one of the worst things you can do.

interesting.

i think that is at least part of my problem. i focus way way way too much on that size i wish i were, or the magic number on the scale...the ever elusive "someday when i'm skinny." and at least for me, focusing on results makes me depressed, anxious and impatient. i want results NOW. no, actually i want results YESTERDAY. and i'd rather they just magically happen instead of requiring actual work.

so, whoever it was that i saw on the tv was talking about having a destination in mind, but focusing on the process instead of the destination.

for me, i think that means focusing on what i'm doing every day instead of constantly thinking about "when i'm skinny" and wondering why i'm not there yet. so that's what i've been working on for the past few days. more walking, less snacking, smaller portions, more water. you know, the basics.

and thinking back to 04-05 when i was actually much skinnier than i am now...i'm pretty sure that's how i got there then. i wasn't counting points, i wasn't weighing myself, i wasn't even trying to lose weight. i just was involved with lots of other exciting projects and discovered yoga and was eating healthier because it felt good. hmm.

so, i think i'm going to not weigh myself. resurrect the daily cardio/pilates abs routine. keep eating healthy foods, stop snacking when i'm not really hungry. eat less, move more. and hopefully in the process, get back into my old jeans again.

It, I am

i think i was tagged by thickchick about...umm...a week ago. (sorry, things have been a little crazy here at mi casa) so, here is everything you wanted to know about me:

10 years ago (1998):
1. i started my freshman year of college.
2. was obsessed with abercrombie and fitch jeans. (?!)
3. struggled through my first semester of college music theory. ouch.
4. routinely went to bed between 2-4 am, and took a 4-hour nap in the afternoon.
5. thought i was very busy and grown up, but in fact was not

5 things to do today:
1. errands: post office, bank, groceries etc.
2. start pillowcase sewing project
3. come to terms with my basement...ugh
4. laundry
5. phonecalls i've been putting off for awhile

5 jobs i've had:
1. file clerk for medical office
2. data entry for medical office
3. floral designer
4. production designer
5. freelance musician/music teacher

5 things i'd do if i had millions:
1. hire a personal chef and housekeeper
2. pay off debts of everyone i know/love
3. start a childrens music program in an underprivileged neighborhood
4. travel
5. start a foundation for finishing funds for indie filmmakers

i tag...oh i don't know. is there anyone who hasn't done this yet?

another birthday (cake) down the drain

yep. i'm 29. the birthday i've been dreading for the past 365 days has come and gone. surprisingly, i'm not really depressed like i thought i might be. although now i'm gearing up for the really big birthday that comes after 29. ugh.

i did a bit of birthday celebrating...but mostly kept things in control. i use the word "mostly" very liberally.

i was given a carrot cake (w/ cream cheese frosting), which is like meg-kryptonite. luckily, in a moment of clarity and willpower, i threw about 3/4 of the cake down the disposal. (see above pic for evidence)

i was contemplating announcing that i will attempt to lose 30 lbs. by the time i turn 30. that gives me about 362 days. doable? probably. i'm just having trouble mustering up any sort of zeal in the weight-loss department. hmm. maybe i'll just settle for 3.0 lbs by the time i turn 30. ok ok, i'm kidding.

i should probably weigh myself, but i really don't want to. i can't decide whether i should join weight watchers again. mostly, pants and shirts that were feeling tight a few weeks/months ago feel a little looser. (emphasis on little) i know i really need to step things up if i really want to lose. the question is...how? motivation, where art thou?

fashion + fitness

a few years ago i was a bit obsessed with clothes. and by a bit, i mean really obsessed with clothes. when i was in school, i was all about wearing something cute every single day.

fast forward to now.

i work from home, and i teach kids. so not only are my cute dressy outfits not appreciated, they aren't practical. over the last 5 years since i graduated and started teaching in my studio at home, my wardrobe has become significantly less interesting. it has devolved into what is now known by friends and family as "the uniform."

"the uniform" is a pair of paige robertson jeans (32), a black v-neck t shirt, some colored tank top underneath and a 3/4 sleeve black sweater. i own nearly 20 black v-neck t shirts (!) and 6 3/4 sleeve black sweaters, and 4 pairs of jeans in various washes.

for the past year or so, i've just kind of stopped caring about what i wear. which is nice...sort of. it has saved some money, i don't have to worry about what to wear. i don't spend all morning trying on everything i own to come up with a new outfit. no more depression-inducing jeans-buying trips because, hey, i've found the perfect jeans and they always fit in size 32. black t-shirts don't get dirty easily. the 3/4 sleeve sweater makes me look a little bit more "put together" than just a t-shirt. it's easy. no thought involved whatsoever.

but i think all of the black t-shirts have really taken a toll on my weight loss efforts. see, they just do too good of a job of concealing any unsightly rolls...which i am noticing all over my thorax.

plus, i'm bored. i notice that when i get dressed up for something and actually put thought into my clothes, i'm happier. and for me happier=less likely to eat.

so, here's the plan. i'm getting re-obsessed with fashion.

i am going to:
1. try and wear a colored shirt (other than black) every other day. (baby steps)
2. go shopping and try stuff on, even if i don't buy because it's wayyy too easy to get complacent when the only jeans you have to fit into are the ones you've been wearing everyday for 9 months.
3. shop my own closet. there's some great stuff in there...which hasn't seen the light of day for awhile... because it can't be worn in public due to severe muffin top issues.

in other news, i've been on the treadmill every day for about a week. still trying the "real foods" thing. still addicted to craisins, which seriously taste like candy, but i can somehow magically stop eating them.

progress!

at the beginning of the summer i bought a skirt at gap without trying it on. (size 12) (silly me, just assumed it would fit.) well, said skirt did not fit, so it's been sitting in the closet since june just waiting for me to get my act together.

i wore it yesterday.

yay!

in other news...i broke up with WW online. i haven't used it in months and figured i could use the $16.95/month for something else. i feel like i need a break from the points system. it was driving me berzerk. i've quit and signed up again like a bajillion times, but for now i feel good about not doing it.

i've been working on eating more 'real' foods...i've stopped baking cookies and muffins every other day (you think that could be part of my problem??!!)...i'm back to treadmilling regularly...i've stopped weighing myself...i've started eating salads instead of the pizza that my brother orders every other day (literally)...i've become a big fan of oatmeal, apples, almonds and yogurt. (not together, but maybe that wouldn't be too bad...)

i read "the quest for peace, love and the 24in waist" by deborah low. highly recommend it. i'm going to read it again. a lot of it is kinda touchy-feely, love your body kind of stuff, which i usually really hate...but i'm beginning to think that maybe that really is the problem.

i think the next goal is getting back into my 2005 jeans. maybe i'll post pics. but for now, i think i might be done w/ the numbers games. we'll see. i seem to change my mind a lot...

you know it's time to get back on track when...

...your four year old student asks

"are you having a baby?"

back to the treadmill i go.