100 calories of yum

new favorite snack. i looooove craisins, but can't ever seem to stop eating them. these help a lot.

happy anniversary (a little late)

i was just thinking..."hmm...i think bri and i started the blog around this time last year..." so i checked the archives, and we did. aug 1, 2007.

holy crap.

what happened to this year??? it has flown by. unfortunately, the pounds have not been flying off of me. i think i was looking for another magic answer when we started this. turns out its not a magic answer...but it is a great accountability tool, and a great forum for venting frustrations and sharing ideas. most of all, it is great to meet other people out there who deal with the same struggles. i had no idea the blogging world could be so supportive. (thanks guys!)

as for me... i'm slowly getting back on the exercise wagon. i've been back on the treadmill 2 days in a row. my eating is still all over the place though. i'm reading a book called "The quest for Peace, Love and a 24 inch Waist" suggested to me by my good friend katieo. so far it has raised some interesting points. i'll let you know how it goes.

just a quick post...

to say that i baked cupcakes AND chocolate chip cookies for a party for my students, and i only had 1 of each.

normally, i would have eaten like...11 of each.

and then i gave away all the leftovers.

(and this is a major victory because it was the *magnolia cupcake* recipe and the *extremely-evil* ny times choc. chip cookie recipe...!)

i won't post links to the recipes because that would be too mean. i credit the magnolia cupcakes with igniting the two-year-sugar-fest that i'm trying to end. and the ny times recipe? it's amazing. and evil.

life in my post-diet coke world

i haven't had a diet coke since may. nope, not even one. and i've had nothing but positive results. here's the scoop:

- i am saving between $20-25 a week. (yes, i really did drink that much diet coke. i know. gross)

- i have noticed a huge reduction in mood swings. even my brother has noticed--"wow, you're not cranky anymore all the time."

- i've also noticed a huge reduction in headaches. i used to have one..um..just about everyday. not anymore.

- i have more energy. i used to feel tired all the time--no matter how much dc i drank. i feel so much more awake now that i have in years.

- and here's the BIG one: my hair is getting thicker!

for years--since i was about 15-16, i've had problems with my hair falling out. most of my friends probably didn't really know, since it's not something that i ever talked about (i was super super self-conscious about it), and i did a pretty good job of hiding it. but i haven't been able to wear my hair down w/o clips or bobby pins or something since i was about 14. anyway, i've had my thyroid checked a gazillion times, all kinds of other blood work done and no one could ever figure out what the problem was. i've tried a bajillion different shampoos and other topical treatments, some kind of worked, some didn't...but my hair just kept falling out. usually the dermatologist would be like, "well, it looks like you got the genetic shaft. talk to your hair stylist about how to cover it up." so, that's what i've been doing since i was about 15...lots of highlights and clever hairstyles so that no one could see. i had pretty much resigned myself to just having thin hair. sucky, right? but there are worse things in life, so i just stopped caring. the only time it really upset me was when i would go to get a haircut with a new stylist who didn't know that i was part-bald. i hated, dreaded getting my hair done and the inevitable questions and suggestions that i should get my thyroid checked or try rogaine.

anyway, long story short, i got my hair cut a few weeks ago and my stylist (who i've been going to for over a year) was like "holy cow, you have twice as much hair as you used to! all these bald spots are starting to grow in. what have you been doing?"

i think it was the diet coke. for real.

i've never believed any of the crazy "diet coke ruined my life" stuff that you read on the internet, but i really truly believe that diet coke made my hair fall out. i started drinking it a lot around age 15-16, which is when i started to have the hair problems. and it seems as my consumption increased, so did the hair loss. i've read several other people's "stories" about diet coke, and have seen other people mention it too....i know, sounds completely crazy. and i don't think that diet coke will make everyone's hair fall out--i know tons of people with super thick hair who drink it. but for whatever reason, not drinking diet coke has made a HUGE difference in my i-dont-have-any-hair-and-i-want-to-die problem.

too much information? maybe. but, i know for me i've felt self-conscious about hair loss for years and felt like i was the only one who was dealing with it (especially at a young age!). so, for whatever it's worth, that's my story.

and now i'm off to drink a big glass of water...

image from here

why i eat

i've got a lot on my mind lately. life is good--but i've also got a lot of crazy anxiety swirling around in my brain. and it's manifesting itself in my eating.

so, instead of trying to deal with anxiety by eating, i'm going to blog about all the things that are bugging me instead.

1. i've got a birthday coming up that i'm really not excited about. 29. how can i be turning 29? it's one more birthday closer to the big 3-0. ouch.

2. i'm close to 29 and still single. i know, i know. i just haven't met the right guy yet...29 is not that old...age is just a number etc. etc.. but, i can't help feeling like there's something really wrong with me that i haven't met anybody. literally all of my close friends are married, most with kids...and well, i'm jealous. yea, being single is fun, i can do whatever i want, i've done tons of cool stuff that i couldn't have done if i were married...but really, i'm dying to find someone awesome and do the married w/ kids thing.

3. my 10 year high school reunion is coming up this fall. i don't really know if i even want to go. but i feel like i should be skinny if i do go. but ironically, thinking about trying to become skinny just to look good at an event makes me want to inhale brownies by the fistful. weird, huh?

4. along with #2, i'm moderately scared of being alone forever.. and in the words of bridget jones "will die fat and alone and be found dead, half eaten by wild dogs." yea, i can take care of myself, and i really do have a pretty cool life. but i really don't want to morph into the spinster/old maid/crazy cat lady etc. (i know, becoming a crazy cat lady is a choice, one that i would never make...i just don't want to be perceived that way. and i think i care too much about what other people think.)

5. i worry that if i don't get skinny (i.e. to a healthier, more "attractive" weight), i will be doomed to spinsterhood. again, this thought makes me want to inhale brownies. strange, i know.

6. i'm feeling self-conscious that i never finished a masters degree. that was always the plan...and then random life events happened and here i am 5 years after i graduated and no masters degree. at this point, i'm not sure if it would be worth all the headache because i've got tons of experience that makes up for it...but i still really want those letters after my name.

7. i feel overwhelmed by the lack of organization around my house. life has been moving at such a fast clip for the past 2 years that i really haven't done a good job keeping things neat and tidy. (basically, it is a disaster...at least to me.) so there is a TON of work to do to get my house back into martha stewart shape. and i don't even know where to start. most of the time i end up starting in the kitchen with a "snack".

8. i am filled with dread every time i go to find something to wear in my closet. i've spent years building up a fabulous wardrobe. and now most of it doesn't fit. which makes me want to inhale brownies.


so. here's the plan:
i'm going to take things one at a time, starting with the house. because it's the easiest place to start--and one of the things on the list that i can actually control. (besides diet and exercise...but i'll get to that next. i need a distraction first i think.)

i'm going to take on my office this week and get it back to the martha-level organization that it was two years ago. and my office is the room that is furthest away from the kitchen.


oh, and p.s. i'm not trying to throw myself a giant pity party...really, i'm pretty happy. i just felt like i needed to purge some of these crazy thoughts from my brain and stop all of the anxiety eating.

weekend update

yea, this week i've been an especially bad girl. i don't know what my problem is. but a combination of laziness, stress, and some emotional eating has led to some spectacularly bad choices by moi.

i was feeling so great last week, but somehow i got derailed. i think it started when a friend brought over a plate of brownies last sunday. and it went downhill from there. i should have put the brownies directly in the trash...but instead i put them directly in my mouth. oops.

i need to get back on the exercise wagon. i went to pilates once this week, but didn't do any walking. my knee has really been bugging me whenever i go on the treadmill, so i've been avoiding it.

i'm also realizing that i've been using snacking as a procrastination device. i'm the world's worst procrastinator...and lately when i'm trying to put off doing something, i find myself munching in the kitchen thinking "as soon as i'm done then i'll start _____" this is stupid. then i end up spending a ton of time in the kitchen (eating) because i'm trying to avoid whatever project i'm dreading.

seriously, sometimes the dumb things i do w/ regard to diet and exercise just blow my mind. i'm not a stupid person. but wow, do i ever make some really really stupid choices when it comes to food.

arrgh.