horrible cold=best diet ever

ok, just kidding.

but seriously, not being able to taste anything makes not eating more than i should cake. and funny how when i'm sick i all of a sudden only eat things that are good for me and just stop eating when i feel full...such a difficult concept most of the time.

maybe i should get my tastebuds removed permanently.

...i will however, be glad when i can start walking (anywhere) without hacking. and i will also be glad to have my voice back in its normal register instead of about 2 octaves lower than my brother.

bob wiley vs. superwoman

"the simplest way to put it is, i have problems...dizzy spells, nausea, cold sweats, hot sweats, difficulty swallowing, blurred vision, involuntary trembling, dead hands, numb lips, fingernail sensitivity, pelvic discomfort."


on monday this week, i woke up with the worst neck/back pain i have had in about 5 years. i don't know what i did exactly, but i haven't been able to turn my head either way for the past few days, despite several visits to the chiropractor, the massage therapist, physical therapist and handfuls and handfuls of advil etc. etc. aside from being just generally inconvenient, i am mostly ticked because after thanksgiving last week, i started being good about walking again. but this neck thing makes the treadmill impossible, and it pretty much just hurts to move. i also had to miss both of my pilates classes this week. boo.

urrgh. it's always something. i just get annoyed w/ myself because, especially as it relates to exercise, there are many, many times that i feel willing and motivated to exercise, but something else (like a bum knee, bad back, migraine headache, allergies etc.) gets in the way.

or in other words, i feel like i'm bob wiley. only with real symptoms...

i guess i inherited my mom's somewhat fragile physiology, much to my chagrin. i'm just still in denial that i am, in fact, HIGH MAINTENANCE. instead, i like to pretend that i'm superwoman. (please, anything but bob wiley!) i hate feeling fragile. i hate having to take the time to go to all of the various appointments that my body apparently requires just to maintain basic function. it's annoying. it's not "me." i hate being one of "those" kind of people... and sometimes i get a little careless, or rebellious or pretend that all of my "ailments" don't really exist. like last week, i skipped my weekly massage to save a few $$, i didn't go to pilates, i didn't stretch at night like i know i need to, and i spent wayyy too much time on the couch which always causes huge neck/headache issues for me. dumb, right?

so, it's time to be a grownup and deal with reality. it's time to accept that i am, in fact, HIGH MAINTENANCE. and unfortunately, reality for me is that skipping a massage or sitting on the couch too long will cause problems. problems that prevent me from exercising...or even moving normally.

funny too, that the times in my life that i've been most focused on just general/overall total-body health/wellness--not being skinny or trying to avoid dealing w/ "ailments"--were the times that i was magically the skinniest. connection? hmm.

"i feel good, i feel great, i feel wonderful. i feel good, i feel great, i feel wonderful..."

oh, and p.s., if you didn't grow up in a family that watched "What About Bob?" every week for about 10 years like i did, that is where these ridiculous quotes come from.

process vs. results

so, i was flipping through channels the other day, while on the treadmill (yay!) and happened upon a sound bite that got me thinking...(i have no idea what the people were talking about)

anyway, one of the commentators said that our culture tends to be focused on results instead of process. and when people are trying to make changes in their lives, focusing just on results is one of the worst things you can do.

interesting.

i think that is at least part of my problem. i focus way way way too much on that size i wish i were, or the magic number on the scale...the ever elusive "someday when i'm skinny." and at least for me, focusing on results makes me depressed, anxious and impatient. i want results NOW. no, actually i want results YESTERDAY. and i'd rather they just magically happen instead of requiring actual work.

so, whoever it was that i saw on the tv was talking about having a destination in mind, but focusing on the process instead of the destination.

for me, i think that means focusing on what i'm doing every day instead of constantly thinking about "when i'm skinny" and wondering why i'm not there yet. so that's what i've been working on for the past few days. more walking, less snacking, smaller portions, more water. you know, the basics.

and thinking back to 04-05 when i was actually much skinnier than i am now...i'm pretty sure that's how i got there then. i wasn't counting points, i wasn't weighing myself, i wasn't even trying to lose weight. i just was involved with lots of other exciting projects and discovered yoga and was eating healthier because it felt good. hmm.

so, i think i'm going to not weigh myself. resurrect the daily cardio/pilates abs routine. keep eating healthy foods, stop snacking when i'm not really hungry. eat less, move more. and hopefully in the process, get back into my old jeans again.

It, I am

i think i was tagged by thickchick about...umm...a week ago. (sorry, things have been a little crazy here at mi casa) so, here is everything you wanted to know about me:

10 years ago (1998):
1. i started my freshman year of college.
2. was obsessed with abercrombie and fitch jeans. (?!)
3. struggled through my first semester of college music theory. ouch.
4. routinely went to bed between 2-4 am, and took a 4-hour nap in the afternoon.
5. thought i was very busy and grown up, but in fact was not

5 things to do today:
1. errands: post office, bank, groceries etc.
2. start pillowcase sewing project
3. come to terms with my basement...ugh
4. laundry
5. phonecalls i've been putting off for awhile

5 jobs i've had:
1. file clerk for medical office
2. data entry for medical office
3. floral designer
4. production designer
5. freelance musician/music teacher

5 things i'd do if i had millions:
1. hire a personal chef and housekeeper
2. pay off debts of everyone i know/love
3. start a childrens music program in an underprivileged neighborhood
4. travel
5. start a foundation for finishing funds for indie filmmakers

i tag...oh i don't know. is there anyone who hasn't done this yet?

another birthday (cake) down the drain

yep. i'm 29. the birthday i've been dreading for the past 365 days has come and gone. surprisingly, i'm not really depressed like i thought i might be. although now i'm gearing up for the really big birthday that comes after 29. ugh.

i did a bit of birthday celebrating...but mostly kept things in control. i use the word "mostly" very liberally.

i was given a carrot cake (w/ cream cheese frosting), which is like meg-kryptonite. luckily, in a moment of clarity and willpower, i threw about 3/4 of the cake down the disposal. (see above pic for evidence)

i was contemplating announcing that i will attempt to lose 30 lbs. by the time i turn 30. that gives me about 362 days. doable? probably. i'm just having trouble mustering up any sort of zeal in the weight-loss department. hmm. maybe i'll just settle for 3.0 lbs by the time i turn 30. ok ok, i'm kidding.

i should probably weigh myself, but i really don't want to. i can't decide whether i should join weight watchers again. mostly, pants and shirts that were feeling tight a few weeks/months ago feel a little looser. (emphasis on little) i know i really need to step things up if i really want to lose. the question is...how? motivation, where art thou?

fashion + fitness

a few years ago i was a bit obsessed with clothes. and by a bit, i mean really obsessed with clothes. when i was in school, i was all about wearing something cute every single day.

fast forward to now.

i work from home, and i teach kids. so not only are my cute dressy outfits not appreciated, they aren't practical. over the last 5 years since i graduated and started teaching in my studio at home, my wardrobe has become significantly less interesting. it has devolved into what is now known by friends and family as "the uniform."

"the uniform" is a pair of paige robertson jeans (32), a black v-neck t shirt, some colored tank top underneath and a 3/4 sleeve black sweater. i own nearly 20 black v-neck t shirts (!) and 6 3/4 sleeve black sweaters, and 4 pairs of jeans in various washes.

for the past year or so, i've just kind of stopped caring about what i wear. which is nice...sort of. it has saved some money, i don't have to worry about what to wear. i don't spend all morning trying on everything i own to come up with a new outfit. no more depression-inducing jeans-buying trips because, hey, i've found the perfect jeans and they always fit in size 32. black t-shirts don't get dirty easily. the 3/4 sleeve sweater makes me look a little bit more "put together" than just a t-shirt. it's easy. no thought involved whatsoever.

but i think all of the black t-shirts have really taken a toll on my weight loss efforts. see, they just do too good of a job of concealing any unsightly rolls...which i am noticing all over my thorax.

plus, i'm bored. i notice that when i get dressed up for something and actually put thought into my clothes, i'm happier. and for me happier=less likely to eat.

so, here's the plan. i'm getting re-obsessed with fashion.

i am going to:
1. try and wear a colored shirt (other than black) every other day. (baby steps)
2. go shopping and try stuff on, even if i don't buy because it's wayyy too easy to get complacent when the only jeans you have to fit into are the ones you've been wearing everyday for 9 months.
3. shop my own closet. there's some great stuff in there...which hasn't seen the light of day for awhile... because it can't be worn in public due to severe muffin top issues.

in other news, i've been on the treadmill every day for about a week. still trying the "real foods" thing. still addicted to craisins, which seriously taste like candy, but i can somehow magically stop eating them.

progress!

at the beginning of the summer i bought a skirt at gap without trying it on. (size 12) (silly me, just assumed it would fit.) well, said skirt did not fit, so it's been sitting in the closet since june just waiting for me to get my act together.

i wore it yesterday.

yay!

in other news...i broke up with WW online. i haven't used it in months and figured i could use the $16.95/month for something else. i feel like i need a break from the points system. it was driving me berzerk. i've quit and signed up again like a bajillion times, but for now i feel good about not doing it.

i've been working on eating more 'real' foods...i've stopped baking cookies and muffins every other day (you think that could be part of my problem??!!)...i'm back to treadmilling regularly...i've stopped weighing myself...i've started eating salads instead of the pizza that my brother orders every other day (literally)...i've become a big fan of oatmeal, apples, almonds and yogurt. (not together, but maybe that wouldn't be too bad...)

i read "the quest for peace, love and the 24in waist" by deborah low. highly recommend it. i'm going to read it again. a lot of it is kinda touchy-feely, love your body kind of stuff, which i usually really hate...but i'm beginning to think that maybe that really is the problem.

i think the next goal is getting back into my 2005 jeans. maybe i'll post pics. but for now, i think i might be done w/ the numbers games. we'll see. i seem to change my mind a lot...

you know it's time to get back on track when...

...your four year old student asks

"are you having a baby?"

back to the treadmill i go.

100 calories of yum

new favorite snack. i looooove craisins, but can't ever seem to stop eating them. these help a lot.

happy anniversary (a little late)

i was just thinking..."hmm...i think bri and i started the blog around this time last year..." so i checked the archives, and we did. aug 1, 2007.

holy crap.

what happened to this year??? it has flown by. unfortunately, the pounds have not been flying off of me. i think i was looking for another magic answer when we started this. turns out its not a magic answer...but it is a great accountability tool, and a great forum for venting frustrations and sharing ideas. most of all, it is great to meet other people out there who deal with the same struggles. i had no idea the blogging world could be so supportive. (thanks guys!)

as for me... i'm slowly getting back on the exercise wagon. i've been back on the treadmill 2 days in a row. my eating is still all over the place though. i'm reading a book called "The quest for Peace, Love and a 24 inch Waist" suggested to me by my good friend katieo. so far it has raised some interesting points. i'll let you know how it goes.

just a quick post...

to say that i baked cupcakes AND chocolate chip cookies for a party for my students, and i only had 1 of each.

normally, i would have eaten like...11 of each.

and then i gave away all the leftovers.

(and this is a major victory because it was the *magnolia cupcake* recipe and the *extremely-evil* ny times choc. chip cookie recipe...!)

i won't post links to the recipes because that would be too mean. i credit the magnolia cupcakes with igniting the two-year-sugar-fest that i'm trying to end. and the ny times recipe? it's amazing. and evil.

life in my post-diet coke world

i haven't had a diet coke since may. nope, not even one. and i've had nothing but positive results. here's the scoop:

- i am saving between $20-25 a week. (yes, i really did drink that much diet coke. i know. gross)

- i have noticed a huge reduction in mood swings. even my brother has noticed--"wow, you're not cranky anymore all the time."

- i've also noticed a huge reduction in headaches. i used to have one..um..just about everyday. not anymore.

- i have more energy. i used to feel tired all the time--no matter how much dc i drank. i feel so much more awake now that i have in years.

- and here's the BIG one: my hair is getting thicker!

for years--since i was about 15-16, i've had problems with my hair falling out. most of my friends probably didn't really know, since it's not something that i ever talked about (i was super super self-conscious about it), and i did a pretty good job of hiding it. but i haven't been able to wear my hair down w/o clips or bobby pins or something since i was about 14. anyway, i've had my thyroid checked a gazillion times, all kinds of other blood work done and no one could ever figure out what the problem was. i've tried a bajillion different shampoos and other topical treatments, some kind of worked, some didn't...but my hair just kept falling out. usually the dermatologist would be like, "well, it looks like you got the genetic shaft. talk to your hair stylist about how to cover it up." so, that's what i've been doing since i was about 15...lots of highlights and clever hairstyles so that no one could see. i had pretty much resigned myself to just having thin hair. sucky, right? but there are worse things in life, so i just stopped caring. the only time it really upset me was when i would go to get a haircut with a new stylist who didn't know that i was part-bald. i hated, dreaded getting my hair done and the inevitable questions and suggestions that i should get my thyroid checked or try rogaine.

anyway, long story short, i got my hair cut a few weeks ago and my stylist (who i've been going to for over a year) was like "holy cow, you have twice as much hair as you used to! all these bald spots are starting to grow in. what have you been doing?"

i think it was the diet coke. for real.

i've never believed any of the crazy "diet coke ruined my life" stuff that you read on the internet, but i really truly believe that diet coke made my hair fall out. i started drinking it a lot around age 15-16, which is when i started to have the hair problems. and it seems as my consumption increased, so did the hair loss. i've read several other people's "stories" about diet coke, and have seen other people mention it too....i know, sounds completely crazy. and i don't think that diet coke will make everyone's hair fall out--i know tons of people with super thick hair who drink it. but for whatever reason, not drinking diet coke has made a HUGE difference in my i-dont-have-any-hair-and-i-want-to-die problem.

too much information? maybe. but, i know for me i've felt self-conscious about hair loss for years and felt like i was the only one who was dealing with it (especially at a young age!). so, for whatever it's worth, that's my story.

and now i'm off to drink a big glass of water...

image from here

why i eat

i've got a lot on my mind lately. life is good--but i've also got a lot of crazy anxiety swirling around in my brain. and it's manifesting itself in my eating.

so, instead of trying to deal with anxiety by eating, i'm going to blog about all the things that are bugging me instead.

1. i've got a birthday coming up that i'm really not excited about. 29. how can i be turning 29? it's one more birthday closer to the big 3-0. ouch.

2. i'm close to 29 and still single. i know, i know. i just haven't met the right guy yet...29 is not that old...age is just a number etc. etc.. but, i can't help feeling like there's something really wrong with me that i haven't met anybody. literally all of my close friends are married, most with kids...and well, i'm jealous. yea, being single is fun, i can do whatever i want, i've done tons of cool stuff that i couldn't have done if i were married...but really, i'm dying to find someone awesome and do the married w/ kids thing.

3. my 10 year high school reunion is coming up this fall. i don't really know if i even want to go. but i feel like i should be skinny if i do go. but ironically, thinking about trying to become skinny just to look good at an event makes me want to inhale brownies by the fistful. weird, huh?

4. along with #2, i'm moderately scared of being alone forever.. and in the words of bridget jones "will die fat and alone and be found dead, half eaten by wild dogs." yea, i can take care of myself, and i really do have a pretty cool life. but i really don't want to morph into the spinster/old maid/crazy cat lady etc. (i know, becoming a crazy cat lady is a choice, one that i would never make...i just don't want to be perceived that way. and i think i care too much about what other people think.)

5. i worry that if i don't get skinny (i.e. to a healthier, more "attractive" weight), i will be doomed to spinsterhood. again, this thought makes me want to inhale brownies. strange, i know.

6. i'm feeling self-conscious that i never finished a masters degree. that was always the plan...and then random life events happened and here i am 5 years after i graduated and no masters degree. at this point, i'm not sure if it would be worth all the headache because i've got tons of experience that makes up for it...but i still really want those letters after my name.

7. i feel overwhelmed by the lack of organization around my house. life has been moving at such a fast clip for the past 2 years that i really haven't done a good job keeping things neat and tidy. (basically, it is a disaster...at least to me.) so there is a TON of work to do to get my house back into martha stewart shape. and i don't even know where to start. most of the time i end up starting in the kitchen with a "snack".

8. i am filled with dread every time i go to find something to wear in my closet. i've spent years building up a fabulous wardrobe. and now most of it doesn't fit. which makes me want to inhale brownies.


so. here's the plan:
i'm going to take things one at a time, starting with the house. because it's the easiest place to start--and one of the things on the list that i can actually control. (besides diet and exercise...but i'll get to that next. i need a distraction first i think.)

i'm going to take on my office this week and get it back to the martha-level organization that it was two years ago. and my office is the room that is furthest away from the kitchen.


oh, and p.s. i'm not trying to throw myself a giant pity party...really, i'm pretty happy. i just felt like i needed to purge some of these crazy thoughts from my brain and stop all of the anxiety eating.

weekend update

yea, this week i've been an especially bad girl. i don't know what my problem is. but a combination of laziness, stress, and some emotional eating has led to some spectacularly bad choices by moi.

i was feeling so great last week, but somehow i got derailed. i think it started when a friend brought over a plate of brownies last sunday. and it went downhill from there. i should have put the brownies directly in the trash...but instead i put them directly in my mouth. oops.

i need to get back on the exercise wagon. i went to pilates once this week, but didn't do any walking. my knee has really been bugging me whenever i go on the treadmill, so i've been avoiding it.

i'm also realizing that i've been using snacking as a procrastination device. i'm the world's worst procrastinator...and lately when i'm trying to put off doing something, i find myself munching in the kitchen thinking "as soon as i'm done then i'll start _____" this is stupid. then i end up spending a ton of time in the kitchen (eating) because i'm trying to avoid whatever project i'm dreading.

seriously, sometimes the dumb things i do w/ regard to diet and exercise just blow my mind. i'm not a stupid person. but wow, do i ever make some really really stupid choices when it comes to food.

arrgh.

boys

i don't know what my deal is. but i've got some crazy mental warp with boys and my weight. let me elaborate:

there was a short-lived romance going on for me during november-january. it was during this time that i got down to 169, without really trying.

as soon as said short-lived romance was over, the scale started to creep up. but anytime there was a new boy on the scene, the scale would go down. when i'm nervous about a new boy, i just don't eat. and it's not like i do it intentionally. i just forget. no really, i forget. and when i'm not forgetting to eat, i somehow have astounding willpower and eat incredibly healthy, low-cal etc.etc.

but when i go on a bad blind date, or get flat-out rejected, the scale always goes up. mostly because i start eating again...and i drown my sorrows in my brother's ever-present cookies.

it's been kind of a roller coaster lately, but if i were to graph my weight, the overall trend has been going up for the past 7 months. (holy cow, 7 months??!)

anyway, it's been on my mind this week because there has been a new boy on the scene. and i've been doing the forgetting-to-eat thing again. i know, not healthy at all. but all of my clothes are a whole lot looser. like A LOT. even just after a week. (and yes, i know it is all just water weight blah blah blah.)

but, now that the new boy is gone (another one bites the dust!), i found myself today suddenly starving and (big surprise) all i wanted to eat was ice cream, cookies and cake. luckily, i didn't have any within reach. it's like my brain has either two settings: BOY or FOOD.

here's what i don't get:
1. if i forget to eat when i'm thinking about a boy, why can't i forget to eat if i'm thinking about other things...like work or something?

2. why don't i ever learn? every time this happens, i think "ok, this time i'm going to capitalize on all of the progress i just accidentally made and eat right and exercise so that i don't just gain back everything and then some." but usually i end up going for the cookies.

seriously, it's ridiculous. this vicious cycle has been happening for ever. like since i was about 10. (and i think it has probably taken a serious toll on my metabolism...)

so, i don't know what to do about it. check myself in for some intense therapy? maybe. but blogging about it feels therapeutic.

ctrl-alt-delete

Welllll... I've been off of the "let's not act like a total pig" bandwagon for errr, 3-4 months now. Surprisingly, the damage was only a few pounds. But it has been enough to make me feel different about how I look and fit into clothes. Now that I'm back from Italy, its time for a reset. Luckily, I was a bit sick last week, which wiped my appetite for me, allowing me reset it back into "reasonable" mode. Result? I've lost 2.5 pounds in a week and a half. We'll see if this trend sticks around.

I have a major issue with free food at work - free food is normally nasty and does not fit in with my "no fake food" diet that I stick to at home. So why do I eat it? WHY? Well, I seem to be resisting it for now, though I each eat a donut for dinner last night - I am crazy busy right now and really need to get some food to leave at work for emergency dinners. The good news? I actually turned the donut into my dinner, instead of just a snack, which is what I would have done a few weeks ago. (I ate some grilled veggies and a little cheese and cold cuts when I got home to get some low-cal nutrition in...)

the wake up call

this morning i had an official IT'S REALLY TIME TO ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS wake up call.

i got stuck in my dress.

i was trying on outfits this morning and put on one of my favorite dresses--a white cotton 3/4 sleeve shirt dress from j crew. it looked great last year.

this year? well, after putting it on and deciding that i needed to lose 10 lbs, i was trying to take it off...and i got stuck. somehow, my arms were stuck in the sleeves and i couldn't get the dress back over my head.

so i'm sitting there, with the dress halfway over my head thinking "great, i'm either going to have to cut the dress off of me, enlist my brother to come help me pull the dress off....or, someone will find me here with the dress stuck over my head after i have died of embarrassment."

luckily, after about 3-5 minutes of shimmying, i got the dress off.

but seriously, it's time to take action.

just now i was in the kitchen and the mortifying image of myself in the stuck dress was enough to keep my paws out of the cookie jar.

seriously. i have to laugh...because otherwise i'd cry!

location, location, location

i read an interesting article in the nytimes about habits (see it here)

it said, among other things, that a lot of our habits come from cues that we see and then cause us to repeat the same behaviors over and over again. it talked about how when you want to change a habit, having a new location (like being on vacation, or moving) can make it easier because you don't have any of the old cues there to trip you up.

hmm.

so, as i've been thinking about this, i've realized (again) that i have been pretty much unsuccessful in the weight-loss department since i moved my main workstation upstairs, right next to the kitchen. every time i see the kitchen, i want to eat something...and now everytime i sit down at my computer i want to eat something. i think the computer has turned into a snack cue for me. and i have very easy kitchen access. this is bad. (i spend a lot of time at the computer...)

so, i'm going to move my workstation. i'm not sure where, but something has to change stat! i really think my snackiness is the culprit.

getting back on track. again.

soooo....let's see. it's been like, um, i don't even know how long since my last post. here's the short recap:

1. my knee has totally been bugging me, so i have been a total slacker about exercise. lame-o? yea, probably.

2. bri and i took a fanfreakingtastic trip to italy! yes, that's right. italy! the worst place to be on a diet. well, maybe that's not true... we walked A LOT.

3. i'm still craving all of the yummy pasta, bread and gelato.

4. i recently discovered the best choc. chip cookie recipe ever on the NY Times. (cue the thunder and lightning/foboding sound effects). seriously yummy. big problem.

5. i don't know how much i weigh and don't want to find out.

6. i'm really unmotivated most of the time. until i try on something that fit last year, and doesn't fit so well now. and then i vow to get serious. which usually lasts until i encounter a cookie or something, and then..well, you get the idea.

soooo....time to get with the program. any program. i figured blogging would be a good first step. sigh.

Checking in

Soooooo. I'm weighing about 143 these days - which isn't so bad considering my lack of exercise and lack of restraint when it comes to eating. The defense is over and done. Graduation festivities have closed. And the family has left. My smaller jeans are feeling tighter and I'm suddenly aware of my love handles and the dreaded tire. I need to get back to it.

Luckily, it's bike riding season again (I really don't have time for much exercise right now - even though I've finished "school" I have a ton of work to get done this summer and I'm traveling a LOT). But what I'm really having trouble with is the food. WHY WHY WHY do I have to eat SOOO MUCH? I don't understand why it is so difficult for me to just eat less.

this weekend=utter disaster

i had all kinds of high hopes for getting back in control and back on track. i don't know exactly what happened to get in the way...but it just didn't go down like that.

it probably has a lot to do with spending the whole weekend working on projects at home and hanging out with my brother. somehow when he's eating cookies all the time i just feel like i'm entitled to eat cookies too. i can only hold on for so long until i cave. i didn't actually eat any of his cookies...but i did buy a package of animal crackers at the grocery store (5 points) and ate those...along with numerous kashi cherry chocolate chunk granola bars, sugar free jello pudding and popcorn...which are my vices of late. yea, they don't sound too bad, but when your portions are out of control, it's not good no matter what you're eating. i've been keeping track for the most part and i'm already nearly out of flex points for the week. NOT GOOD! i'm heading into a majorly stressful week when i won't have much time for exercise, so...it is going to be tricky (read: i feel like throwing in the towel).

and speaking of exercise...one of my major hang-ups this week has been that i somehow hurt my knee last week and i haven't been going walking because it keeps getting worse. my knees always act up whenever i walk really fast or get anywhere close to running speed...and last weekend after i upped the speed on the treadmill my left knee started freaking out.

rahh.

i keep telling myself that if i can give up diet coke i can conquer the portion control thing. i just always feel like i'm out of control.

oh yea, and i had to try on 3 skirts to find one that fit this morning. grrr. i really need to get my act together--STAT. the problem is the more things i feel like i need to fix and change, the less i want to do anything.

today=new day

what is it about the scale? it has the power to totally throw me off and induce insta-depression.

anyway, yesterday was...not my best day. i'll just label it a full on 'cheat' day. i was keeping track of everything until about 5 pm (when i had 2 points left) and then i just kind of stopped caring..and started eating whatever i wanted. bad bad bad. that kind of behavior is exactly how i ended up back here and square zero. why is this so hard to learn? the only victory of the day was that i managed to avoid eating any of my brother's cookies (which the nutrition label says contain 270 cal and 15g fat! yikes!!)

i did try a new pilates video last night which i'm really excited about.

so, today it's back to food journaling, and clean eating. and no more of this pity party nonsense.

urrgh

so, i was just a tiny bit excited to weigh in today because i have been on *best* behavior for this whole week. i've been journaling...i've kept track of everything i've eaten and i didn't go over my flex points. i've been eating healthy stuff--salads, lean chicken, yogurt, veggies and fruit etc. i haven't been cheating at all! i've worked out every day. i'm drinking all my water. i haven't eaten after 10 pm.

so how did the scale go up??!! 1.5 lbs? RAAH!

seriously. i was so expecting a 3 lb. loss...or at the very least -.5 or something. how can this be??

arrgh.

hate the scale. the jeans don't lie though...and those definitely feel looser.

i just have to keep doing what i'm doing and not let the numbers freak me out.

but seriously. URRGH!

the 7 pm rule

i've heard all kinds of people swear by the no-eating-after-7pm rule--several of whom are the super skinny 40+ year olds that i go to pilates with...

i don't think there's anything magic about the number 7. but i do think there is something magic about having a cut-off time when you stop eating. i think i'm going to try it this week...however, 7 doesn't feel realistic for me, since i often don't get done teaching until 9 pm.

this week, i'll try the no-eating-after-10pm rule. because seriously, i've been eating up until bedtime--which is usually around 1 am. that can't be good. wish me luck!

(and oh yea, did i mention i'm still not drinking diet coke?)

water is the new diet coke

i know, i keep blogging about how i'm not drinking diet coke anymore. but seriously, this is huge. no, make that so HUGE! i started drinking it in my early teens, and never stopped. it slowly escalated into a complete addiction/obsession, magnified anytime i had a stressful day or week. i would venture to say that i haven't gone more than 48 hours without one since i was about 16. no, i'm no kidding. (my parents are total addicts too) i've "quit" before--but it was always with the 'i can drink it when i'm out of the house and/or eating out' clause.

i haven't had any for almost 2 weeks now. if you would have asked me even a month ago if i could have gone even 24 hours without one, i would have said "no way."

funny thing is, people who don't know that i've switched to h20 have even commented that i seem like i have more energy and seem happier. and guess what, i feel better--fewer headaches, fewer muscle aches, i just feel...better.

i have never ever believed in all the crazy stuff you read on the internet about how nutrasweet will kill you and makes you feel yucky...until i stopped drinking it. and now i kind of believe all the anti-nutrasweet hype out there...they just might be on to something...

more importantly though, i feel like i have control. i am no longer a slave to the coca-cola company. and controlling that is helping me control my eating.

so, that is why water is the new diet coke.

that explains a lot...

yesterday was the first day in i don't even know how long that i really kept track of everything i was eating--journaled every single thing that went into my mouth.

i ate 35 points. (!!) and i felt like i was being "good"!!...hmm. suddenly, the too-tight clothing isn't such a mystery.

i hadn't been counting fruit, which can add up really fast...and i've generally stopped keeping track after about 3 pm, which is when i really start eating most days.

so, step 1 will be continuing to journal.

step 2 will be to stop the eating when i'm out of points. (why is this concept so difficult?) i need to eat more zero-points veggies.

good news is that i'm still off diet coke. and i'm eating less refined/packaged crap. 7 of yesterdays points were from fruit. baby steps.

news from the front

well, the battle continues here at casa de meg...i haven't made much progress in the weight loss department over the past few weeks--still fluctuating between 179 and the scary numbers. sigh. i weighed in this morning and was completely horrified, though i'm not going to put too much stock in that weigh-in...it was kind of a bad week/weekend.

i officially quit diet coke, though. that is BIG news. i've had about a 4-6 16oz. bottle a day habit now for i don't know how long, and i very suddenly decided that i didn't want to be chained to diet coke for the rest of my life. so i switched to a 4-6 bottles of water a day habit. it's been a week, and so far so good! i'm hoping it will help to get rid of my sugar cravings. so far it has helped some i think. mostly though, i'm just wanting to clear all of the artificial sweeteners out of my system.

i do feel motivated again, which is good. i want to be skinny and fit so bad i can taste it!...and too bad it doesn't taste like the freshly baked choc. chip cookies that my brother just pulled out of the oven...(arrgh)

yay!

minus another lb. this week. yippee!

i've been exercising every day. i seem to be getting better in the will power department and am passing on sweet stuff more often than not.

still need to work on eating fewer carbs and more vegs/fruit...and being more consistent about counting/food journaling.

that is all.

top of the muffin to you! (part 1)

so...as anyone who has read this blog knows, i have a constant stream of baked goods paraded in front of me by my brother, which i really think is the single biggest factor contributing to me not being able to get and/or stay skinny. (more hard evidence on that later)..anyway, i've decided to fight back. kind of.

i am a bakedgoodsaholic. but i am discovering that to a certain extent, it doesn't really make a difference what kind of baked goods. for now anyway, i seem to feel ok about eating a muffin while watching my brother eat his weight in chocolate chip cookies.

so, last weekend, i made 3 batches of healthy, high fiber, low point muffins. i individually wrapped each muffin and put them all in the freezer.

so far, it has worked brilliantly. a) because the muffins are in the freezer, they are out of sight/out of mind. b) i have baked good available when faced with cookie envy...baked goods that only take 35 seconds to heat up in the microwave. c) each muffin is all wrapped up so it's "special"---but it also installs a trip switch--i.e., do you really want to unwrap and heat up another muffin?

anyway, they have been in the freezer for a week and i'm happy to say that they're not even a 1/3 of the way gone. not even close. i think i've eaten about 10 small ones over the last week. most of the time if i bake something it's gone in about 3 days.

plus, i got my baking fix. i love baking. too bad i'm not one of those naturally skinny people, otherwise i'd open a pastry shop tomorrow.


RECIPE #1: Apple Cinnamon Muffins (1 pt)
via Hungry Girl

Take the Fiber One Muffin mix (IGNORE box directions), add 1 cup canned pumpkin, 1 cup water, and 1/2 cup Egg Beaters (or egg whites). Mix until just blended. Pour the mixture into 18 of the muffin cups, and bake as directed (refer to the box). The recipe makes 18 muffins instead of 12, and each one has just 95 calories & 2g fat and still has close to 4g fiber. (1 point!) (and they're YUMMY!)

more recipes to follow...

Alert!!!!

Thesis writing is over...until I get comments back from my advisors, then committee. One of my advisors is really really picky, so I'm a bit nervous about that.

But the alert is that I just spent 30 minutes rummaging through my closet trying to find something that fit me and looked decent. And no, I don't need to go shopping. I need to lose weight. I weighed in at 143. That is 3 pounds higher than my comfortable 140lb set point. And, 13-15 pounds higher than goal.

I can bike to the train again, which is 30 mintues of exercise, 5 days a week. Add in weekend exercise of more biking, walking, and kayaking, and I should be a-ok. But I need to get my eating back in check. I'm going to start counting again before I gain more weight! I know we aren't supposed to set goals dates for weight loss goals, but I'd really like to shed 5 pounds or so in the next 6 weeks (yeah, I probably won't make it) and another 5 pounds by July...

mini-update

i'm still just a little bit in denial about the *exact* numbers on the scale...but last week the scale read 4.5 lbs higher than it did today...more evidence that numbers make very little sense for me...(-4.5 lbs in one week?) but the jeans are feeling looser too, so that is a good sign. the scale was the wake-up call that i needed though to kick start the motivation.

i have gotten my act together and stopped the cookie insanity. it also helps that the bro was gone last week and will be gone this week too...so i feel more in control without the constant stream of goodies coming through the house.

i'm still just kicking myself for letting things get so out of hand in the first place. but oh well, that is life.

i will post more later ...pics and some great new recipes i've tried!

Rub a Dub Dub...

...i feel like a tub.

i seriously don't know what my problem has been. i just can't seem to get it together in the eating department lately. and by lately, i mean since...umm...december. there have been multiple 'chocolate incidents' as of late...cookies, m&ms, skinny cows, dessert at restaurants etc. etc. plus, i just haven't been counting, or caring. at all.

exercise, yea, i do it. but it doesn't really matter when i'm eating anything and everything all day every day.

seriously. time to get a grip.

so. this week is "GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, WOMAN!" week.

i will weigh in on friday. (eek)

and i will post pics of me in my pre-mylifebecameinsaneandimdoingwaytoomanythingsandneversleep jeans circa May 2005. those are the new goal. (double eek. no, better make that a triple eek)

and i will food journal. because as much as i hate it, it does work.

and i will stop all of the cookie/chocolate/sugar madness. i mean really. this blog is called 'skinnify', not 'tubbify'...

The sweet finish

Does being in a constant state of stress and anxiety burn increase one's resting metabolism? I sure hope so. Until this week, I was doing alright. I was walking a little bit and eating well (except for those candy bits...more on that later). But this week, I'm been a raving lunatic when it comes to portions. Over 5 days my breakfast and lunch portions practically doubled. But I was seriously HUNGRY. Blood sugar levels crashing, can't walk, can't think CRAZY HUNGRY. I'm not sure what the cause was... It could be the stress, my freezing work environment (62 degress - come on!), or my change in BC methods (sorry if that's too much info, but hormones might be playing a role here). We'll see how I do with portions this week - at least I haven't lost sight of how much I should be eating...

Over the past few months, I've fallen into a bad pattern of needing a sweet finish to meals (and snacks). At home, that means dark chocolate and at work that means a dip into the admin's bottomless candy bowl or a fist full of whatever free refined carb, sugary, transfatty evil is lurking from meetings. There was also the 5-10 (who's counting? not me!) tragic incidents with cupcakes that I made for my husband's birthday. I made two kinds of frosting, so naturally, I had to eat twice as many cupcakes. They say that successful dieters decrease the variet of food they keep at home - they might be on to something. (Did you know that toast takes good with frosting on it? It does, not that's I'd know first hand...really...) I've tried finishing eating with coffee or tea or small bits of chocolate, but it's just not taking. I suppose the problem is will power, but I need to get this fixed. fast. ideas?

Thesis writing has begun. Which poses a new problem for getting skinny. When I open that "thesis" folder, I want to start eating, mindlessly. Needless to say, I've just ordered a massive amounts of popcorn to get me through these next few weeks... Apologies for not commenting on your blogs for a while - I probably won't get around to commenting again until, um, June. But, my good old google reader keeps me fully updated and you all are so GOOD. and motivational! OK, back to work for me...

in a funk/rut

hmm...funk/rut could be a cool name for a band...

ok, as you've probably guessed, my motivation level has taken a nosedive since..umm...december. and it has pretty much stayed in a tailspin since then. i just can't seem to pull myself out of it.

i am still exercising every single day. pilates or treadmill. but my eating? holy all-over-the-map, batman. i can sustain self control until about 11am, and then i just start eating indiscriminately. and i just don't really care. i always wake up with these grand intentions of counting everything i eat and being good and then...bam! it's 11 pm, i'm still hungry, i have no idea what i've really eaten that day except for some vague memories of a sandwich...and oh, there was that bowl of cereal...and did i eat 2 kashi granola bars or just one? and i think i might have had a cookie. and some popcorn. wait, did i have 2 cookies? etc. etc. you get the idea...

i dunno, maybe it's the lingering winter-ish weather...or maybe i've just got a case of the blahs. i know it's a lot of stress eating combined with emotional eating. i still want to lose weight, but i just can't muster up the motivation to do all of the work it will take to actually lose it.

and see, this is always the problem...i'll lose some weight...like 10 lbs, everything is great, i'm totally motivated and doing great and then i'll hit something like a holiday or vacation and that ignites that i-don't-care demons and then 3 months later i'm pretty much back where i started.

grr.

so, for now i think i'm going to focus on maintaining my exercise regimen...and keep hacking away at the eating bit. i'm sure sooner or later i'll get up the gumption to start really trying...i'm just not feeling it right now....

would a J Crew model eat that?

for years i've been lamenting the huge injustice that i was not, in fact, born to be a j crew model. if i could return my body and get a new one at the store, this is the one i would choose.

but, don't worry, i'm not torturing myself with some impossible (and airbrushed) ideal that is (sniff) not in the realm of possibility for my set of dna.

however, asking myself "would a j crew model eat that?" or "would a j crew model eat that much of that?" has proven to be a pretty effective portion control device.

well, at least for this week... which is why i'm labeling this the "tactic of the week"

Hanging on, kinda sorta

Sooooo sorry that I've been MIA. I've missed blogging and the support and your blogs! But I've been working a LOT for the past few weeks. My time at home is shrinking rapidly and it looks like it is only going to get worse over the next few months. But there is light at the end of the tunnel - we are currently scheduling my thesis defense. Finally. (Though, the work won't stop when I have the degree...booo!)

As you all recommended, I've been hanging onto the dieting, which is pretty much keeping me at maintenance if you count in all of those little sins. When I work late, I need to buy dinner. Or if I don't stop for that snack break, I end up stuffing my face with BAD foods later on.

The good news is that I've been walking to the train (35 minutes, walking fast, each way) in an attempt to cram some exercise into my day. And I've been making a big vat of soup every weekend to carry me through the week.

I'd still like to lose some more weight, and I think that times like this are excellent times to lose weight if I plan well, since I don't have time to sit around craving food. I need to get better about packing dinners and more snacks to work. I need to start really keeping track of how much I'm eating. And I need to build in some pilates and strength training on the weekends. That's the plan. Hold me to it, k?

learning to say no

no is a very tough word for me. and not just in the weight-loss department. in all facets of life, i just hate saying no. (cue that song from...Oklahoma? I'm just a girl who can't say no...) i'm constantly getting myself into situations where using the word "no" would prevent sooo much frustration. and yet, i keep on saying yes. old habits die hard, i suppose.

i am a yes kind of girl. i like to make people happy. people like it when you say yes. yes-- you'll help them with this even though you have to rearrange your entire life to do it...or yes you'll take on this massive project that you know you don't have time for....you know...we all do it, i'm sure.

i also like saying yes to treats. yes, sugar. yes, ice cream. yes, cookies. yes. yes yes yes.

until i look in the mirror...then i think no no no no no.

hmm.

a connection? yes, i think there is.

i need to embrace no. i know i know, i shouldn't deny myself treats, i should just eat in moderation. i totally believe in that. but eating in moderation requires saying "no more" after treat numero uno. no more treat numero dos...

sigh.

does this make any sense? hmm. well, it's been quite a weekend. it was the brother's b-day. luckily he didn't want a cake...but for some reason i felt possessed to make him his favorite double chocolate cookies. so now there are 3 doz. cookies in the house--- and this time it's my fault. there were also some ill-advised cinnamon rolls as part of the celebrations...chipotle...and pizza. ugh.

this week i need to say yes to exercise, vegetables, water and more exercise. yes to counting points. yes to weighing in. yes to getting back on track. and no to the treats.

ok, what am i going to eat next?

am i the only one who does this?

please say no. sometimes i really think i'm C-R-A-Z-Y. it's been one of those days. one of those days when i can't stop putting food in my mouth. when i feel HUNGRY ALL THE TIME. one of those days where, as i'm chewing on something, i'm thinking, "ok, this is good, but what should i eat next?"

i'm pretty sure that skinny people don't do this.

well. i did manage to keep the things that were flying into my mouth from the (mostly) healthy list...apples, 60-cal jello pudding, carrots, salad, kashi granola bar and fiber 1 bar, nutri grain waffles and no pudge brownies. along with a very tasty hamburger. oh, and some yogurt. and smart pop popcorn.

i eat a a lot.

but it could have been worse. i was seriously lusting after my brother's giant bowl of movie butter popcorn. and i watched him eat 3 ice cream drumsticks. and real caesar salad dressing (the whole packet). and more ice cream. sigh.

accountability

welll.....

it's been one of those weeks. cookie detox has so far been successful. this was aided immensely by having the stomach flu for a day.

however, after recovering from said flu, i've been kinda eating whatever because, you know, i didn't eat for a WHOLE DAY, so that means i'm entitled to do whatever i want, right?

hmm.

today was dinner at the grandparents which involved pot roast, potatoes, homemade rolls and...lemon pie. yumm.

to make matters worse, i was sent home with a gourmet mint truffle candy bar. and it just opened itself and jumped right into my mouth. all 22 fat grams. just couldn't wait to hop in my stomach and make their way to my thighs.

hmm.

so....tomorrow is another day. beginning with an 8 am pilates class. and no more mint truffle bars. ever.

cookie detox

the bro decided unexpectedly to leave town for the next few days, so it will be a cookie and junk free zone at least until monday! yippee skippee!

i celebrated by going to the store and loading up on fruit and vegetables.

i feel better already.

(thanks for the comments, by the way...it's nice to know that i'm not the only one who just can't resist baked goods...)

where's the reset button?

ok, seriously. i really suck at the whole "weight loss" thing.

i seem to be able to make it to 169.something fairly easily...and then i start feeling invincible or something and then BAM, i'm back around 175. actually, i don't even know how much i weigh right now. i've been avoiding the scale for the past few weeks...but if the way my jeans are fitting is any indication, i'm well past the "comfort zone"

soooo....exercise has been ok. i've been getting an hour of something in everyday. but for me, the real battles are fought and won in the food department...which has been where i'm losing big time.

i think my major losses during nov/dec were entirely due to my brother being out of the house and in china. when he was gone, i had nothing but healthy food around the house, no cookies, no pizza, no ice cream, nada. and shazam! i lost a ton and gained self control. enough self control to make it all the way through christmas.

but, january has been one bleak month for the Department of Weight Management at la casa de meg.

i think i've been averaging somewhere between 12-50 cookies per week for the last 6 weeks or so. no, i'm not kidding. he bakes up a pan of 24 choco chip cookies *everyday*...and if it's not cookies, then there's pizza, or there's ice cream, or he wants to go out to my favorite mexican place etc. etc.

i know, i know. i should make healthy choices for me, no matter what my brother brings in the house or where he wants to eat. i know i know, i should make him hide his food...or i should just " have some self control" or just "don't eat it" as he has said.

but, i sometimes just don't have the willpower. willpower for me is more about avoiding the temptation, not staring the temptation in the face day after day after day. seriously.

so, am i just a wimp? do i just need to buckle down, get over it turn a blind eye to all of the high-cal treats around? hmm.

well, in any case, thanks for letting me whine.

I'm gross.

I am totally gross. I don't know what came over me yesterday. Since last week, I've been on best behavior - eating well and exercising regularly. But yesterday was a day of minor stresses and I ended eating really yucky bad for me things that I would never had eaten when I'm being sane. Or had Kashi TLC or Larabars on hand (I certainly have them at work today).

The trouble is that we have several weekly meetings. And at each of them are Dunkin Donuts bagels and donuts and coffee. I normally try to stick to the coffee since the bagels and donuts are yucky and make me hungrier if i eat them. But I usually end up eating about a 1/3 of one in a moment of weakness. No biggie.

Well yesterday, I ended up picking at the leftovers (there were a lot this time) throughout the bay and ended up eating a whopping 2.5 donuts and a third of a bagel with cream cheese. I am so gross! Although I'm know to have my moments, this was particularly bad. Especially because one of the donuts looked just like that pink one that they use to promote the Simpsons Movie. Yucky, right? I'm so gross. I also had my normal meals: grapenuts, coffee, banana, pear, white bean kale soup, string cheese, and a small bit of shepard's pie. Oh, and Lindt truffle thingy (white chocolate - I don't even like white chocolate!)

Anyway. I'm doing a bit better today, though I did just scarf down a Larabar (not low cal, but better than eating MORE bagels and donuts).

In better news, my school has a yearly fitness team challenge. Basically, you get into teams of 6 and everyone tries to exercise a minimum of a certain number of minutes per week. It goes on for something like 10 weeks and ramps up the minutes. This week is 150, so I should be able to make it easily. I'm glad I signed up, especially in light on the donut madness. Certainly, minor stresses are about to add up for me in the coming months.

The Tire

As you may have surmised from my lack of blogging lately, I haven't been the 200% dieter that I wanted to be lately. I'm not exactly sure why - probably a combination of being busy, being lazy when I'm not being busy, and liking food too much and exercise not enough. I haven't quite fallen off the wagon yet, but my leg is kind of dangling off...if you know what I mean.

I've been kinda exercising (thanks to marking my calendar when I exercised) and eating has been so so, but there have been more sweets than I care to admit. (Oh, and just because chocolate covered peppermint marshmallows are "not as bad" as cookies doesn't mean a dieter should make a double batch and leave them out in a clear container. Oy.)

Last week I weighed in at 141.5 which was higher than I wanted and after a small incident with come cake, whip cream, and marshmallows, I was starting to feel my "tire". It's getting a bit squishy and just more THERE than it was a few weeks ago. It's not very apparent, but I don't feel as comfortable in tight shirts.

So, I need to do something about this. I need to firm up on points (I keep cheating here and there) and exercise more. The problem is that work is ramping up again and I'm just not sure I have the energy to bother right now. I'll be graduating this semester, so these next few months are going to be really rough (paper writing, paper re-writing, finishing experiments, writing dissertation, giving talks, finding a post doc position, etc.). Often when I get home from school, I am totally zonked and feel lucky that I at least have healthy food around (um, except for those darn marshmallows and spice cake. sheeet.) Exercise is totally out of the question. And on weekends, I'm way more interested in spending time with the boy and my friends, and relaxing or fixing up the house.

So, help!!! What would you do if you thought life was about to get a whole lot busier, your waistline was getting a whole lot flabbier, and you're not sure you care enough to do something about it but care enough to try a little and feel guilty about it the rest of the time? I know I should put my foot down and declare war on my weight but I don't know if I have it in me right now.

(image credit)

Reality Bites

i decided to face my fears and step on ye olde scale this morning.

hmm.

well, it could have been much much much worse, but i'm still none too pleased with my post-christmas tailspin. yes, i have been exercising...but my eating has been downright sinful. too many brownies, cookies, pizza, bread, chipotle and unrepentant eat-whatever-i-want behavior.

yes, reality bites. when i eat like crap, the number on the scale goes up. sad, but true. exercise does help...but it can't make all those extra calories disappear.

i am hoping this will provide the motivation that has been lacking this week. i think at least part of the problem is that it's january. we're deep in the thick of winter coat/bulky sweater season, so i'm feeling nice and comfy with any weight gain neatly hidden beneath my very cute winter coat. time to take the coat (and gloves) off.

(the number on the scale was 172.2...up from 169.4 the week before christmas. boo.)

All over the map

no, i haven't been globetrotting, unfortunately. my eating has been all over the place though. wiggity-wack, if you will.

some days i'm super good...then i'm super duper BAD, followed by some mediocre days, followed by stretches of cookies and eating out.

sigh.

it's all emotional eating. it's been non-stop dramarama + stressarama around these parts for a few weeks, so my mind has been elsewhere. i haven't been counting. i haven't weighed in since before christmas. i'm bad. the worst part is i don't really care. although i know i will very shortly.

i have been exercising everyday, however. that seems to be the one good thing goin' on in the weight loss department. and hallelujah i had the foresight to invest in that treadmill a few months ago--that has probably kept me from gaining about 20 lbs this winter.

any suggestions for pulling myself out of this rut? (before i have to call in a crane to lift me out?!)

note to self: MUST STOP EATING!

i don't know what my problem is.

i am hungry.

all

the

time.

i just can't stop eating. seriously. i'm munchy-munchy/starving all day. i think my stomach got really stretched out from christmas and now my body thinks it needs like 2500 calories to survive. or something.

any advice? (besides duct tape over my mouth?)

exercise is going fine...i'm doing pilates 3x a week and i go walking everyday (treadmill or mallwalking) for 60+ min.

but seriously, i'd need to be running several marathons a week to justify this much eatiness. i just need to break the cycle and get back to "angelic" meg. where did she go?!

On again, off again

That should actually read: "off again, on again...hopefully".

This weekend, I kind of had a couple (read: lots) of needless incidents with chocolate covered pretzels, whipped cream (no, not like that!), peppermint marshmallows, blueberry pie, espresso chocolate, craisins, bread, cheese.

It wasn't even worth it, and I'm not sure what caused it. Maybe I will trying to fill the void of the mac and cheese I've been craving. At least I burned some calories sanding the walls in the bathroom (ouch).

Anyway, I've pretty much used all of my flex points which don't reset until Friday. So, I cleaned out the fridge and make the following to help me eat well, but low calorie, for the rest of the week: chicken curry, steel cut oats, apple sauce with cranberries, and split pea soup. This weekend I also made up some pureed white beans with garlic and rosemary to go with some scallops - soooo good and healthy. I think I'll be making more bean purees.

b

Weigh-ing in the New Year

(I know I know, lame title, but I couldn't help it.) I weighed 140 this morning. I'm very pleased with that, considering my luxurious (read: buttery, inactive) holiday season. I'm also glad that my body seems to have some kind of stopping point around 140. I still hope to lose an additional 10 lbs or so in the next 6 months, but I don't need to, so if I just maintain from here, that's ok too.

The important thing now is keeping my eating habits and making exercise regular. I have diabetes running on both sides of the family so I need to ramp up my exercise for my health, not my looks. So far (erm, ok, just 2 days), marking my new calendar is working for me.

BTW, does anyone have a link (or book recommendation) for good Thera-band workouts?

how do you like them apples?

i've discovered a new, pre-packaged friend.

apparently, i'm the laziest person alive because i find it *very* difficult to cut up an apple. i don't know why. for some reason, when i want a snack, cutting an apple (or peeling an orange etc.) always feels so...labor-intensive? i know. it's sad, but true. for some reason, i always think opening up a granola bar wrapper will be so much faster.

well, i've started eating these pre-sliced apples and i love them.

i'm sure that there are multiple reasons i shouldn't eat these (i.e. chemicals on the apples to make them not go brown...), but for now, it's helping me eat more fruit and less non-fruit/veg pre-packaged foods. (such as evil granola bars, cereal, cookies etc. etc.) i figure i'm already ingesting enough chemicals via diet coke to kill a small animal...so, what is a few more?

yesterday...well, i was a bad girl yesterday. the bro made choc. chip cookies and i just couldn't keep my paws off of them. i don't even want to say how many i ate. let's just say it was more than 5 and less than 8. (gasp!) i spent 90 minutes on the treadmill as penance. and i probably burned off about 1 cookie. go me.

Being good...and clutter free

Being good feels good. I need to remember that. Meg wrote about this a while ago too, but I'd just forgotten about it until today when I was actually good and didn't suffer from it - it just felt good. I think I'm not alone is this all or nothing "goodness" behavior. Though today, I was just so happy to be able to put two silver dots next to Jan 2 on my new super cute letterpress calendar that I got from Meg (thanks!). Baby steps...baby steps... But seriously, I feel like I'm either "together" and good or "disheveled/lazy" and not good.

I remember a while back there was discussion on the blogs about being organized and clean and keeping on track (again, the "on" or "off" mode). Well, we aren't alone. Check this out: purging your clutter and weight-loss go hand in hand.

This makes a lot of sense to me - living in a mess (as I usually do) is stressful , a time drain, and makes me feel bad about myself. It's time to get my act together - last night I purged my magazines and books and mugs and we have plans to load up the car with our "give away" pile in the basement this weekend - I can't wait. (Do I get to count lifting as exercise?)

I love work

I know, not a typical statement out of a finishing, disgruntled grad student, but I love work for the sake of my diet. I drink more water and eat fewer calories when I'm not at home. Needless to say, I need a "schedule" to get back on track from my vacation time. I had a nice, relaxing break - but it did include a lot of eating and not much exercise. This year, I simply need to get on track with my exercise again. So far, the scale has been kind to me and I've been weighing in just under 140, but I think my body just hasn't had time yet to churn the recent calorie influx in to fat... My game plan for exercise is a little childish, but worked for me beofre: put up a calendar and circle or highlight days that I exercised... Seems simple enough, so I'll keep you updated as to how it goes.

I know it is supposed to be "bad" to set timelines for weight loss goals and such, but this year I want to be skinny and fit by June. The fam is coming out for graduation and (hello vanity!) I want to look good. My mom ALWAYS gives me a hard time about my weight, and I don't want to hear a peep out of her about it this time around. (Last time she visited, it took her only 25 hours before saying something about the size of my rear...real nice.)

In other news, I can pee upstairs now. I'm SO EXCITED about that. We made a lot of progress on our bathroom redo and hope to put up some pictures for you when it's really finished. I'm hoping that all of the bathroom building worked off some of my extra calories too...

Happy New Year to everyone!

back on the wagon

so...let me see if i can give you a brief tour of the last 2 weeks.

i ate A LOT.
a lot of sugar. more sugar. and more sugar. cookies, cake, dessert, chocolate, bread, ice cream. you name it, i ate it. and i didn't count it.

i don't know what happened to the motivation that was keeping me so...good?...angelic?...or at least just on track from thanksgiving until christmas...

well, in any case, it's high time to get back on track.

i start counting today. and not just counting until about 3 pm when i stop caring. all day. everyday.

i did manage to keep up with the exercise, which is good. but, i haven't stepped on the scale in a few weeks and i'm really nervous about that...scary stuff!