this weekend=utter disaster

i had all kinds of high hopes for getting back in control and back on track. i don't know exactly what happened to get in the way...but it just didn't go down like that.

it probably has a lot to do with spending the whole weekend working on projects at home and hanging out with my brother. somehow when he's eating cookies all the time i just feel like i'm entitled to eat cookies too. i can only hold on for so long until i cave. i didn't actually eat any of his cookies...but i did buy a package of animal crackers at the grocery store (5 points) and ate those...along with numerous kashi cherry chocolate chunk granola bars, sugar free jello pudding and popcorn...which are my vices of late. yea, they don't sound too bad, but when your portions are out of control, it's not good no matter what you're eating. i've been keeping track for the most part and i'm already nearly out of flex points for the week. NOT GOOD! i'm heading into a majorly stressful week when i won't have much time for exercise, so...it is going to be tricky (read: i feel like throwing in the towel).

and speaking of exercise...one of my major hang-ups this week has been that i somehow hurt my knee last week and i haven't been going walking because it keeps getting worse. my knees always act up whenever i walk really fast or get anywhere close to running speed...and last weekend after i upped the speed on the treadmill my left knee started freaking out.

rahh.

i keep telling myself that if i can give up diet coke i can conquer the portion control thing. i just always feel like i'm out of control.

oh yea, and i had to try on 3 skirts to find one that fit this morning. grrr. i really need to get my act together--STAT. the problem is the more things i feel like i need to fix and change, the less i want to do anything.

Rub a Dub Dub...

...i feel like a tub.

i seriously don't know what my problem has been. i just can't seem to get it together in the eating department lately. and by lately, i mean since...umm...december. there have been multiple 'chocolate incidents' as of late...cookies, m&ms, skinny cows, dessert at restaurants etc. etc. plus, i just haven't been counting, or caring. at all.

exercise, yea, i do it. but it doesn't really matter when i'm eating anything and everything all day every day.

seriously. time to get a grip.

so. this week is "GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, WOMAN!" week.

i will weigh in on friday. (eek)

and i will post pics of me in my pre-mylifebecameinsaneandimdoingwaytoomanythingsandneversleep jeans circa May 2005. those are the new goal. (double eek. no, better make that a triple eek)

and i will food journal. because as much as i hate it, it does work.

and i will stop all of the cookie/chocolate/sugar madness. i mean really. this blog is called 'skinnify', not 'tubbify'...

Soooo tired...

I'm so tired of dieting. I'd like to just turn that part of my brain off, but I can't. History shows me that when I turn that off, I gain weight. Pre-blog days, feeling this way would lead to quitting, so I have to thank you all for helping me stay motivated.

today: ate 25, exercised 5, flex left 10.

up up and away

harumph. well...let's not get into exact details...but i am very nearly back where i started.

am i surprised? not so much. i've been supremely naughty on the eating front. i am proof that you can't be on board for 4 days and then be a slacker for the next 3. the weight will creep back.

sigh. so. the mission for today is to not get depressed about this and not use it as an excuse to eat. i need to stay on track and be good for this whole weekend. i did just get back from pilates, so already i feel like i'm putting a better foot forward this weekend.

from the brownie front: yes, there was yet another batch of brownies made last night (#5). no, i am not making this up. i really wish i was. anyway, the bro and i had a little scuffle about said brownies and while i'm probably being childish, at least i didn't eat any of them. i got upset at him for telling me that i "wasn't allowed" to have any and he kept asking in a teasing sort of way how many points there were in a brownie (as he ate 1/2 a pan). i'm sure he was trying to be helpful in a little brother sort of way, but i really don't react well to being told i can't have something (food-wise) by members of my family...even if it is for my own good. it literally makes me *furious* and makes me want to eat massive quantities of whatever it is that i'm forbidden to eat. i don't get it. but, this is a huge issue for me...(um, yea, can you tell that my mom used to tell me i wasn't allowed to eat certain things because they were "for my brother.") anyway, sorry to go all oprah on you...i think i just need to buck up and stop feeling sorry for myself and start making better choices. and just ignore the fact that some people in my family can eat 6000 calories and i can't, even though i'm insanely jealous and find it extremely annoying. good news is that i went and walked very fast on my treadmill instead of eating the brownies like i wanted to...sigh.

here's to a weekend of being good! (whiny, but good)

rebel without a cause

ummm....this is me. a rebel without a cause. but apparently i have chosen myself as the cause to rebel against.

i seriously don't know what my problem is. i just can't get on board the weight loss train. i just keep gaining. i could blame my schedule, stress, working at home, eating out too much and the endless parade of chocolate chips, cookies, brownies, ice cream and chipotle that is brought in the house or eaten in front of me by you-know-who....

but really it's just me. i have no willpower.

ok, sometimes i have willpower. but it runs out after about 72 hours.

ay ay ay. i just need to get over it and stop putting food in my mouth. why is this so hard? bri, remember how i've always said that if i ever get too fat you are to put duct tape over my mouth and tie me to a treadmill? well...now might be a good time... just as a precaution. an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, right?

ok. tomorrow i stop being a food lunatic and start counting again. umm...but seriously, am i the only crazy person out here in the weightlossblogosphere who sometimes doesn't really care about losing weight? (gasp!) who sometimes really just likes brownies and hates hates hates hates counting points? (oh my!) who really resents having to exercise "portion control" and/or "self-control?" (horrors!) who for some reason doesn't like being "satisfied" by "fake treats" that are in the 1-2 point range instead of real treats that are in the 5-10 point range? (scream!)

yea yea, i know. time to be a grown up, face reality and get back on board.


goals for tomorrow:
water--drink it
walk 20 min after pilates
count all points
no more silly business.

math

ok, i'm sorry people, i seem to constantly be blogging about cookies. i'm not obsessed or anything...

i just wanted to rant a little aboout how life is sooo unfair...which, i'm hoping will keep me from putting more cookies in my mouth.

you see, my skinny bro bought 2 boxes of 24 cookies. (2 x 24 =48 cookies.) i've had 4 total over the last 2 days.

he just opened box #2 and ate 6. meaning, he has..(so far)...eaten 26 cookies.

26 cookies x 5 points each=130 points.

130 POINTS!!!????

and that's just the cookies...he's also had 5-6 cans of regular coke, a STEAK, 2 yogurts and chicken and rice...

sigh. he still weighs less than me and is 6 feet tall.

boo.

(ok, enough whining. i'll go chew on my sugar free gum and get over it)